How Do We Learn About Grieving?

When I used to work in hospice, I noticed that people had a lot in common. In our society we focus on how we are different.  There are pluses in differences. We are unique. But it can also make you feel alone. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I was very frightened.  I focused on me going through this alone.  I couldn't imagine anyone else hurting like me. I really didn't want to hear about other people's experience.  I was completely self-absorbed.   As a result, I hurt a lot more than I had to. 

The problem with that was I missed a lot of support I needed. When I saw patients and families, they were sharing the same thoughts and feelings I was having.  As I noticed this, I would share what they had shared with me and what I saw. Then people would ask me how did I know that about them. I told them I didn't.  I felt like this and other people shared the same things I was feeling. It was a real eye opener for me. The more I shared, the more others shared with me. We had a lot in common.  That helped me to cope better.

As much as I would have liked me to be that insightful then, I don't think I could have been. I've become aware that the learning curve takes life experiences and then work. There are experiences we need to  have before we have that insight.   It was later when I was told there was nothing more that they could do that I looked at this differently.  I made myself think about my death, my dying.  Of course, many people saw this as negative and not helpful.  They were wrong.  It helped me break through the barrier of fear that kept me from living my life the way I wanted to.

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I got a knock on my door after seven in the evening.  I didn't have the front light on and the knock was loud.  I was nervous about checking but sometimes my kids and grandkids stop by.  I  turn on the outside light and look through the high window in the door.  There is my neighbor Dianne who helped me when I got locked out of my house in my pajamas.  She was locked out of her house.  No one else has a key and she put sticks in all the windows.  So she used the phone and called her handyman.  He came about ten minutes later.  I used the opportunity to give her my key and we talked outside (the weather was mild) because she wanted to watch for him.  Her husband died five years ago and she finds the holidays a bad time for her.  I told her I don't try to do it like I did before, but I also prefer the holidays to be over.  So we came full circle.  She helped me and I finally had a chance to help her.

This was my last week of occupational therapy. I learned a lot and I have improved.  It is not all better.  I have better mobility and less pain. My therapist Linda Mather said the other changes are slow going and I will note these moves  at the year and two year anniversary.  What I do understand finally is use it or lose it.  I will always have to deliberately exercise it or I will do much less.

So I'm dealing with a bill from Dignity Health, the same one as before.  Kaiser paid $15.14 of a $302.00 bill.  Being transferred to many departments and being placed on hold is time consuming.  Thank goodness for a phone I can carry around and the ability to put it on speaker phone.  I can also get on my computer while doing this.  We couldn't do this in the past.  It took 25 minutes to get to the person who told me what to do.  She said to photocopy the bill and send it to them and they will attempt to work out the problem of how Dignity Health bills me.  Each visit I am charged $10 (lucky me!) under my Kaiser plan.  It could take another month to see if this is worked out.

Our Red Hat dinner was held in the Belvedere Room at the Padre Hotel.  I always love meeting with this group.  We had a wonderful surprise in that Stephanie McGuffey came after a long absence.  She looked great and said she would be a regular again.  Stephanie used to be the head of a home health and hospice I worked for.  She later noted I liked red wine and offered to Paul and me to join her for a dinner group that met once a month at each other's homes.  That was fabulous.  The problem for me was after Paul died,  I couldn't handle being in a couples group.  It made me too aware of what I had lost.  Anyway, it was wonderful seeing her again.  She suggested we come to Tehachapi (in the mountains) for one of our dinners and have a sleep over at her home rather than driving back down the mountain.  I would love that.  I met with her and Pamela Beane after the dinner in the bar to do some catching up. What a wonderful evening!

My great-grandson is nine months old. It is fascinating watching him gain skills and figure things out. Lots of fun. He is a well loved kid and it is obvious by the look on his face. 

Happy Conner at Nine Months Old

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One mother who lost her child through a stillbirth submitted this to the The Grief Toolbox -   thegrieftoolbox.com/ .   She states the needs well of those of us who grieve.    Her loss is a stillbirth, which is as painful as all other losses. 

How to help a friend who is grieving.  

Submitted by  letterstoleia    

I am not one to reach out to people for help, ever.  I am the person people come to when they need help.  I’ve always been the go – to person.  Suddenly, I found myself at the other end and I could not ask for help.

There is so much you can do to help someone who has experienced a loss.  For me, delivering our daughter stillborn has been the most horrific thing I’ve ever faced

There were lots of people who did come forward, and surprised us.  We did get cards in the mail, flowers and gift cards.  A friend sent an angel with Leia’s birth month on it; another had a porcelain angel made in the likeness of her. These things mattered to us. 

I will never forget those people. To be honest, I remember thinking that more people should be with me.  There were no invites to suppers, no random stop in’s to check on us, no phone calls, and nobody brought food.  For some reason it had always been instilled in me to bring food when there was a death. 

Living in the age of social media, I guess is to blame.  It is easier to shoot off a text, tweet or Facebook message then to actually reach out in person.  Most of our friends and family doesn’t live here to be fair, but still.

I’ve never been one to mince words so I’m not going to start now.  If you want to help me (yes I still need help six months later), here are a few things you can do.  If you are reading this, and you have a friend/family member who is going through a tragedy of their own take notes.  People might not want to admit they need help. 

• Ask questions about the child or baby
• Send a card – flowers are nice but sometimes painful to watch them die
• Drop off food, groceries or a care package
• Buy them a gift – something that will remind them of the child/baby
• Never stop asking how they are.  Keep the emails, tweets, calls coming
• Ask them over for supper or lunch
• Give money – funerals are expensive (even baby one’s) - time off work means no pay either
• Remember the anniversary’s and holidays (especially Christmas – fathers/mother’s day)
• Don’t try to offer words of advice or compare your pet dying to their loss
• Invite them to the movies  or over for a movie night (maybe not right away but in the coming Months)
• Ask how the father is and mean it
• Never assume anything
• If there are other living children offer to take them out
• Listen!

You can reach her at letterstoleia@yahoo.com    She is the mother to Leia Sky "who was born sleeping October 6, 2011."  It started as an online journal for Leia.

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My granddaughter Cassadie is blogging about clothes for college students.  This is her last year at college.  I know she will do well!  Here is the link to her blog:

My Beautiful Granddaughter Cassadie Jerdin

Cassadie Jerdin in the College Fashionista Blog

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Today my friend Barbara and I are going to another Bakersfield Community Concert program and we will go to Rosa's afterwards.  The group is Harmonies Girl's Choir.  I don't know much about it but it has rave reviews as do all the programs the Bakersfield Community Concert series has.

That's it for the week.  Life is going well.  I hope the same for you and I will see you next Sunday.     Rachel

A Bad Fall

I'm going to keep this in the order that events took place. I have generally been adding material as events occur so I'd rather continue that. There was no blog last Sunday because I had surgery that day. The specifics you will get below.

One of my sisters expressed alarm at what I was writing believing that my situation wasn't looking good thinking that I might be actively dying because the writing in my last blog seemed very negative to her. I would like to assure you I am not actively dying at this point. I just know this is my future (as it is for all of us) and I have decided to talk about my situation, what I'm thinking, reading and discussing regarding the subject of death and dying.  So, this is not meant to alarm people, however, I believe this is a common response of many people because of the difficulty of this subject in the American culture. We are so far removed from this until something happens and many people who can be further removed excise themselves from these situations to get back to a life not disturbed by difficult subjects. My thought was the more you inundate yourself in this, the less scary it is. I also don't want to pretend all is okay and be hit again with the news "it's back", and be stunned by this. Two times of that was enough, and I had more than that. This is a much better way for me, and I believe a lot of people around me, so we can be open and support each other in tough times.

B. Smith was on CBS News Sunday Morning. A once fabulous chef, dealing with Early Alzheimer's now.  She and her husband are shining the light on dealing with Alzheimer's and taking it out of the closet.  We need more people to share their experiences to help others going through a difficult time whatever the situation.  There are other people who need to hear so they are encouraged to talk and get the support they need.  I appreciate those willing to be so open which helps others to do the same. Follow the link below to see the news item. It was well presented.

B. Smith and Her Diagnosis of Alzheimers


I had a pleasant talk on the phone with my daughter Ronda Sheldon who had bought her dress for the wedding suggesting we use the hot tub at the hotel.  She will leave early the day of the wedding with Billy to help in setting up.  My plan was to go a little later, check in to the hotel and be there an hour before the wedding. She also plans to see her biological brother and sister while she is here. She's going to be one busy woman!  But she's younger and can handle it.

Talked with my step-mom Kate Gaman. She is in the midst of doing a major kitchen remodel in her home. She plans on sending pictures. The cupboards and many of the appliances are there being stored in her garage and brought in as they are ready to deal with the next step.  Her car is about to be squeezed out of her garage. In the mean time, she has had much "stuff" hauled away. She has boxed what she has in the kitchen, but while doing this has found more "stuff" to get rid of perhaps by hauling. For me, it has been moving that caused me to get rid of the most.  When I decided to go through my pictures, I got rid of a trash can full of pictures; not the people shots, but places I had been. I have saved some for drawing at a later date.  This process has discombobulated her and her cats. It is stretching out much longer than she understood and costs have gone up as problems have occurred such as plumbing issues.  I understand that this is so common with remodel projects. My concern is that she feel free to use her monies saved for retirement if she needs.  It is her money.

Gutted Kitchen

Cupboards Going In

Had my last session with Norma Neil,  Used pastels and some water to soften it. Sister Sherry is leaving The Art for Healing program.  Several of us decided to put a picture that we each did in this class on cards we will give her.  We are thanking her for what she did because we all felt we had experiences that were good for each of us in growing and healing. She is the one that made it happen.  Below are the leaves I did with pastels, wet and dry.

My brother Ben and I have talked about getting together this year, but this time I would go see him in Connecticut.  We agreed to September for about a week and I'll work on that.  He's doing well. I enjoyed talking with him and look forward to the visit.

My art class with Carol Bradshaw was very good.  Carol, my fellow classmates Deb and Wayne were soooo complementary of my beach scene. Even my step mom Kate thought it was very good; they were saying it was "artistic, had attitude and panache". These are very overwhelming words when you see the detailed work these people do. I love what they all do. Okay, so I'm trying to own it. The big thing for me was that I never thought I could do this.  I'm also having my pine cone framed. I have framed some photographs I have taken, but this is a first for drawing.

Beach

Jury Duty was delayed, so it didn't affect my ability to attend my art session and class.  I was very happy about that.  However, on the day that I was told to return to a specific court room for jury selection, June 19,  I fell on my driveway walking back up to the house. My driveway is relatively steep and I was wearing sandals  with a two inch or so block heal. I fell off the side of these shoes (really nothing unusual for me). I tried to get up and was having a lot of pain in my wrist. Periodically I was seeing blood pool out and then I became aware that my wrist seemed completely detached from my hand and even my arm. It so freaked me out I wanted to throw my hand away from me but realized I would cause myself more problems if I did that. My adrenalin was running very high and I was able to get up. I went in my house looking for my cell phone. I didn't just locate it. I was hyperventilating and forced myself to breathe more normally.  Finally located it and called Shelley, at her work. She wasn't in at the moment by was expected at any moment.  I described my situation and believed the man understood it was serious. Shelley called back quite fast and she said she would be right over.

I sat with paper towels over it to attempt to keep the blood under control.  When she got there, she said, "yep, I think we have to go to the ER".  I still had on my pajamas and a robe. I couldn't see how I could get out of this myself.  So this is what I wore until I was finally admitted to a hospital two days later.

So in the ER they saw it was bad and took me back right away.  I was put on an IV pain med which helped immensely.  During our wait, we called the courthouse and let them know I wouldn't be back and why. Shelley wrote a short status report for Facebook and my blog letting them know I probably wouldn't have a post that Sunday. We also called family and some friends to let them know.  Finally they rounded up several people and they said they were going to put the bones where they needed to be. They assured me I'd be out but that it would go fast about 20 minutes. I have no memory of closing my eyes. I felt I was in a spaceship with very bright lights and I heard talking but couldn't make sense of what I heard.  Little by little I could identify where I was and what they were saying. I was shocked to look at my arm and see it wrapped up. They said I would be discharged home with oral antibiotics since it was an open fracture.  We were also told to call Kaiser Permanente to see an orthopedic surgeon who deals with hands.

Shelley called when we got home to get a surgeon. Shelley situated me in bed while she went to pick up pain medication and antibiotics.

We weren't called back by Kaiser and I called at one pm the next day, Friday.  They gave me the name of Dr Wong and made an appointment for Saturday at nine am. I was told not to eat or drink after midnight in case I went into surgery. Okay   So this is set up. In the mean time my arm really hurts and I don't know if I'm overreacting or not. I call my friend Barbara Long to come over and see if she thought it was a problem. She agreed we needed to go to Urgent Care. We didn't have to wait long. I said I wanted my arm re-wrapped very lightly. This doctor was afraid of something being cut or put in the wrong place. We asked if circulation could cause a problem too and he said yes. "Then I want this loosened now". He took me to another room and asked me to lie on my stomach. He thought if my arm was pulled down, it was less likely to cause a problem. With my friend overseeing this and two other staff helping, he got below the table to unwrap and rewrap. Though my fingers remained swollen, I didn't feel they were going to fall off. Barbara and I stopped at a coffee shop for food. I had not eaten, but I didn't think I could. I had a tuna sandwich and when I got home, I crawled in bed and was out.

Shelley picked me up the next morning and we went to see Dr. Wong. He said I should have been admitted to the hospital from the ER because it was an open fracture. He wanted me admitted to another hospital where he had admitting privileges. It turned out I couldn't have surgery that day because I take Coumadin for a blood clot. They decided they would give me frozen packed plasma to lower my Coumadin level that day at the hospital and then have surgery eight am on Sunday.  I was in that ER for hours.  My friend Janet Seinturier said "take a pain pill!!"  Believe it or not, it seemed the closest water fountain was in the lobby to the hospital!  I thought fountains would be more convenient. My friends Sherry Dolan and Valerie Slocum dropped by hen I was in an actual ER room with a gurney. I got a bed late in the evening.  IVs were started for pain and antibiotics. Much later I was given the frozen packed plasma.  I guess there were no other surgeries scheduled the next day, so I waited on a gurney in the halls of the surgery suites. I was introduced to people and then I don't remember anything.

I slept most of the day. If I wanted to pee, they "straight cathedral" me each time. That was very painful. I tried to get up to pee, bit nothing would ever happen. On Monday, Dr. Wong and the hospital it's came by. I was told that the skin under the splint was covered with blisters and he had to cut them all off. He believed this was caused by a too tight splint and the heat under this splint.  I still couldn't pee on my own and when I finally did later in the day it was a dribble. It wasn't enough and they insisted I wait until Tuesday. I requested a foley catheter for overnight understanding I could get an infection, and they finally gave in to my request. I drank lots of cranberry juice and water and did a couple of laps around the floor.  The catheter was taken out at eight am and I never had problems peeing later. My friend Janet Seinturier brought stick veggies while I was there. I felt I was getting raw veggies my body craved. I was discharged late afternoon and my friend Sherry Dolan took me home. Barbara Long met us there and picked up my medications. My daughter Shelley Schmitt also came over to make sure medications were put in a medicine tray.

One item I used in the hospital that was given to me when I was discharged was a small color that most people have to keep foods col when they put ice in it for picnics. This one had a rubber tube attached to a pad that was wrapped around my wrist/arm. Ice and water are in the ice chest. There is an electric hook up and this chilled water is pumped through to keep that area cooler. That helps like using frozen peas, but maybe a little longer and not having to fiddle with it as much.  A very strange affect I have had hanging my arm has been that I sense it next to me rather than hanging  I have sensed this several times and have to see it to believe where it is  it has made me think about people who have had an amputation and experience phantom pain.  The unreality of it is similar.

So this time has been figuring out how to do things with one arm and hand. I am so fortunate for my family and friends. Even with those that are limited to talking on the phone. I actually am not sure if I could have been home without these supports. I can't drive, and that is very limiting. I'm still trying to arrange a ride to and from my art class. I'm also donating all my heals.  Flats and tennis shoes for now on.   When you really feel lousy, it is hard to get worked and looks you get when you are wearing the same pajamas and robe to doctors offices. ER s. and restaurants  Generally, I do think of appropriate dress.  It just drops way down on the list of priorities when more important issues come up.  I felt all the medical staff to be caring.  I'm not sure systems always work well.  Lots of waiting and delays.  I think it can be very difficult for patients and families to advocate for themselves when they are in the middle of a crisis- like having to call to get a surgeon.  It also felt like staff were being pushed to its limit which is when more mistakes occur.  I'm a retired social worker and believe I have a better grasp of the situation, and, it turned out to be very difficult for me.

My grandson Billy Lane realized I couldn't be the photographer for the wedding and they made other arrangements. This took a lot of pressure. I'm glad he brought it up. He was also giving me an out for going to the wedding. But I really wanted to go. My friend Barbara Long agreed to go. She will drive me and stay with me. So we will ask for a roll out bed for Ronda, Barbara and me.

In the mean time my great grandson Conner, age 11 weeks has pneumonia and was admitted to the hospital on Friday. Poor baby!  Loving parents Billy and Meaghan  and Meaghan's mom Dainette are there with Conner and at this point we don't know if plans are going to change.

You might also wonder how I am typing this. I am using my iPad typing with one finger in the notes section.  I'm about to transfer it to my computer and then paste it to the blog program. Then I will transfer a couple of pictures.

I appreciate your reading and if you find yourself limited in what you took for granted, how are you handling it?  One thing I was fortunate to get was an IV pole through my daughter Shelley.  She called her friends and someone had an old one in their garage. With cloth around the splint held by heavy duty elastic bands with a knot at the top so I can hold my arm up better. It is difficult for me to keep my arm up on pillows when trying to sleep. Pillows slid off the bed or my arm fell between pillows.

See you next Sunday with probably a lot to share.  Rachel