When I was going through so much, I just wanted to cry, and I did a lot of that. But, underneath all this, I was also finding humor within me and what was happening to me and around me. I had outpatient surgery at a free standing clinic for mostly eye surgeries where I had my left breast removed. I became aware of what was going on when I was sitting up saying I had a lot of pain. When they asked me how was the pain on a scale of one to ten, I said three because I didn't want to exaggerate my pain (though three was not even realistic!) Well they all ignored me and did not want to give me anymore pain medication. I was so angry, but I put myself in that spot. They brought my husband Paul in and when he was there, they showed him these two plastic balls filled with blood. He immediately fainted and they pushed him into this armchair, put him on oxygen and broke an ammonia ampule under his nose. He kept saying "I can't, I can't". They just wanted me out. So I said to Paul, "Please take me home. I want to get out of here." Paul took me home and felt overwhelmed with what he had to do. He had to "milk" the blood to clear out the tube to measure how much blood came out before emptying the contents so we could check when the blood was slowing down. A friend of mine who was a nurse,Stephanie, came over to show Paul how to do it. Paul had been sitting in the living room fortifying himself with a drink. Later when I called to Paul to help me with this I put out my hand to turn the bedside lamp on. Paul says, "No, I think this is better done with low light." I had pinned the tubes to my underwear so the weight of them would not pull down and hurt more. I needed to pee and Paul helped me to the toilet. Each move I made I felt the pull of my muscles which pulled on my skin making the wound from the mastectomy hurt more. When I was getting off the toilet, Paul pulled my underwear up so fast, it pulled into my butt crack. I looked at him thinking 'What are you doing?' Paul said, "You don't like a wedgy?" I would say I certainly didn't feel sexy then.
Later, when my hair started falling out, I went to a salon to have my head shaved. My hair prior to the shaving looked very patchy. I thought that looked worse than my head being smooth. Paul was away doing a contract job in Macao, so I was on my own for two or three weeks. When I went into the bathroom and passed the mirror, I always took a double take. I never did get used to the person I saw in the mirror. I tried, but it wasn't how I saw myself. I felt like she was a stranger.
The American Cancer Society had a class on how to put on makeup when you lose all your hair (and I mean ALL your hair). I felt I had to draw on a face because there was little to distinguish the front from the back. I wanted people to know I was facing them. They discouraged eyeliner for fear we would get it in our eyes. I felt my eyes disappeared with no makeup with no lashes or eyebrows left. They gave us each a box of makeup complementary from makeup companies.
So when you live with uncertainty, it helps to live in the here and now, do the things you want to do and have a sense of humor to help keep it balanced.
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I had lunch with three friends, Janet, Lisa and Charmaine at Narducci's which is a bar/restaurant that the owner got angry at the manager and closed the place. She recommended her restaurant Pyrenees Cafe to a man who has a show checking out hole-in-the-wall places to eat. Well, obviously it is open again. Pretty tasty and the price is reasonable. The music is too loud, but you need to remember that it's primary purpose is a bar. I liked the pickled tongue but I prefer it more garlicky. So it might be a matter of taste. Next time we'll go to Pyrenees Cafe. I want to check out how all of them do their pickled tongue. That's the key to me.
I actually had two pictures to show at my class. She liked them. She saw them as playful. Her recommendation for my butterfly picture was to make the flower petals look more separated. (These pictures were in my last blog). This class, we worked on washes again, but this time sprinkling salt on them, deciding which salt. We are also painting rocks using the salt to give the stones a porous look.
I had an MRI this week on my lower back which I broke two years ago. I still have pain here. I had been asking for other pain Meds. My primary doctor had looked up the write up on the PET scan and said that it had recommended an MRI which had not been done. I think she was checking to see if the cancer spread. Well it hasn't, which is very good. She is referring me to the Pain Clinic for the possibility of getting Methadone to control the pain better.
After this test, my friend Barbara and I went to the Auto Club to hear a talk from a tour company Trafalgar. Barbara and I decided to take a trip to London, Ireland and Scotland. We put it off until April or May of 2016. I need to save enough money. Being that I don't know what will be happening then, I will get insurance for trip cancellation and health as I have for most of my trips. It becomes more important as time goes by.
I'm going to have an endoscopy at the beginning of March because I have had ongoing stomach pains which I have taken Tums to relieve the pain. This has caused more problems recently (I have overdosed on Calcium!) and now I am taking OTC Prilosec to cut down on the Tums. Whenever I'm going to have surgery or a procedure which might include cutting, I let the Anticoagulation Clinic know because I can't take Warfarin for five days before the procedure. So I was contacted that I will have to have two injections a day of Lovenox which I will do myself during this time and about the same amount of time after the procedure. I did this initially when I developed the blood clot, but made it clear then I wasn't willing to do this ongoing. So I'm thinking "It's very short term!" Ugh!
There were no issues at Chemo this week. I usually read sitting there and play games on my iPad.
The heating element in my oven for baking broke. This is the original oven and they don't make ovens this small anymore. It is built-in which would require cutting the cabinets and fashioning a new cabinet to accommodate a new oven. I'm not willing to pay for that now so I bought an oversized toaster oven from Black & Decker that is a convection oven, broiler, toaster and warmer which works for me. I had to move cookbooks to make room on the counter. It was very reasonably priced.
I will be giving a talk for a fundraiser for Avon in Visalia March 7, 11 am to 2 pm. My daughter Shelley and my friend Janet will be going with me. It's at the Lamp Liter Inn. The cost is $25. Here is a promotion of the event.
There was a very interesting documentary on PBS Frontline entitled "Being Mortal" based on the book with the same name by Atul Gawande. We have the belief that being competent is being able to fix it. But they can't fix old age and dying. It is very difficult to have the discussion about death and dying while holding out the hope that you will be the one to beat it. I downloaded the book to my Kindle and will read it. It was highly rated. Listening as well as talking is important. Need to ask what it means to the person going through Cancer. Doctors generally feel like failures when they can't cure it. Too bad, because there is a lot they can't cure. Here is the connection on Amazon.
Here is a recent picture of Conner. He is really cute and growing like a weed!
So I'm seeing the cutest pictures of dogs that cuddle, well my kitties cuddle too!
Daisy trying to reach my face
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| Pepper pulled herself up after sliding backwards off the chair |
Well thank you for reading. I hope you have a good week and I'll see you next Sunday. A lot is happening this coming week (what's new?) Rachel
