I think I had to find this also. I believe that is what we all have to find, but when your life is threatened, it becomes even more important. What we need to do to find purpose in this life will vary for each of us. I found when I was first diagnosed in 2000 that all the little stuff was no longer important to me. It sure became easier to speak up about issues, because I felt I had nothing else to lose. What death does is put everything in perspective. Initially I didn't want to talk with others about the idea of my death, except to take care of certain things, like the finances, in case I couldn't. But the emotional part of this was too big for me. I was crying all the time. I drove my husband nuts because of it. He couldn't handle it and buried himself in playing games on his computer. I'm sure he just didn't have any idea as to what he could do to help me.
Later, when I found my voice I explained that I really did understand that he couldn't fix what was going on and that the biggest thing he could do to help me was to give me a hug, to hold me. If he felt a need to cry it was okay with me. He did start doing this and it helped our relationship a lot. At work at a later time when I was working in a prison, a young psychiatrist told me to go to group therapy. At the time I was so much into my own pain (when my husband died and my cancer came back as a stage IV), I explained I was hurting so much that I didn't want to hear about anyone else's pain. I was too focused on mine. He then agreed that maybe a group was not what I needed at that point. Really, we are so selfish at the time our lives are in such turmoil. This is not a judgement. This is how I see it for myself, and, I'll guess for a lot of people. We take up other people's time with our needs, and until we can put it in perspective, it is hard to stop this. I think writing, talking and thinking about it helps us to process what is happening. It has all become much easier as I do this.
This week was my Red Hat dinner. We had it at a very nice Japanese restaurant Kan Pai, a little pricey, but very tasty food and a nice atmosphere. My fellow Red Hat members met in the bar until our table was ready. These women are very important to me. They are warm and fun people. They have been reading my blog and I've been encouraging them to talk about the subject of death and dying, living well before you die and planning. Anyway, it was wonderful, we had such an open discussion then. I loved it. I probably would not have in the beginning of this, but I want to take away the fear of it and I think it has to be started by the one going through it. I want more people to do this. One of my friends in the group Claudia Milazzo took a picture of me at dinner.
The other interesting thing this week was spending time with my granddaughter Kayla Kline. She helped me in cleaning a rented storage space I have. It hasn't been touched in about 6 years. It was covered in webs and very dusty. The next move is to take the pictures and split them up for the family. Kayla is going to help, but I am hoping other family members will want to do this with us. I've offered to make a spaghetti dinner with a nice salad. We'll spread them all out and divvy them up. I think it could spur a wonderful conversation about times past. We'll see.
Some external link I think are worth looking at are:
Salon.com by Mario Beauregard wrote an article about Near Death, Explained. Having worked in a hospital and later in hospice care, these experiences did come up for some people. This still doesn't explain it all, perhaps some day, but for me, it helps to take away some of the anxiety about dying.
Near Death, Explained
The next one is from a blog written by the father of a boy who died at age eleven. His blog is about the life of his son who died of Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. This particular one is him grieving about the loss of this son and explaining to his other son that it was okay to grieve. It is called Mitchell's Journey. This is the series, the particular one is called Okay, But Not Okay...And That's Okay. Mitchell's Journey is all very touching and open. I highly recommend it.
Mitchell's Journey
And finally, but not least is a good Op-Ed piece by Brad Stulberg (12/30/2013) that was published in The Los Angeles Times entitled No One Wants to Talk About Death, But You Should Anyway. More reasons to do an advanced directive.
No One Wants to Talk about Death, But You Should Anyway
I just got a call from my daughter Ronda who has found out that my grandson Billy Lane's (her son) girlfriend Meaghan Payne went into labor early this morning, so we should be hearing soon. They expect to have a boy and have named him Conner. So I'm about to become a great grandmother. Hard for me to believe.
Well, thank you for reading and I hope you share this with people you think might benefit or be interested in it. I'll see you next Sunday. Rachel
No comments:
Post a Comment