What Happens When You Think You Should Be There for Everyone Else?

About ten months before mom died, Paul and I were in the process of helping to pull off a wedding for Shelley and her fiancé Steve in Paul's backyard. We had caterers coming the next day.  I was out getting a dress for the occasion on Friday. When I walked in the door, my mom said Paul had called and was very upset. I called him back and he said that Shelley called and said Steve and his cousin may have drowned in the Kern River.  I kept saying, "no, no, it can't be!"  I headed to Paul's home and we went to Shelley's apartment where Steve's parents and several of her friends were. Paul took Shelley in his arms trying to comfort her. She was devastated, grieving having just heard they did find Steve's and his cousin's bodies lodged under rocks in the Kern River. This river is deceptively calm because there are strong current below the surface.  Apparently Steve, his cousin and a friend decided to dive into an area where the water pooled.  After Steve and his cousin dove in, the friend seeing that they didn't appear went for help.

Here we were planning a wedding and then we are planning a funeral. I told Steve's parents I would do anything to help. I said to Shelley I thought she would be more comfortable at her dad's home. I told her we would get her mother over and she needed to be surrounded by people she loved and who loved her.  Paul was really irritated with me saying I would help Steve's parents anyway I could, "because there is nothing you can do". I told him if I could help I would.

That evening we are calling to cancel the caterers and other services which were to be here on Saturday.  We had called the tuxedo company because Shelley wanted Steve to be buried in it. They charged their full fee.  Shelley also wanted her bridal party to wear the dresses for the wedding. This was particularly rough to see since it brought it all home that it was now a funeral and not a wedding.

We started calling family and friends to let them know.  Several were driving from Texas and we had no way of reaching them. They were on their way.  Early the next morning Steve's mom called and said she wanted help in doing the funeral. I said I'd accompany her to the mortuary. As Paul and I were dressing for the day, we would look at each other and fall into each others arms crying. He was my support and I his.

Because of the circumstances, it made it to the news. News people were coming by and most of us didn't want to deal with them. Someone agreed to be the spokesperson.

We went to the mortuary and worked on that arrangement to occur on Monday.  Steve's cousin's parents made arrangements for his body to return to Wisconsin and they had already left. Steve's parents wanted a service here, then fly Steve's body back to Wisconsin where there would be another service and Steve's body would be buried there. We worked on getting bereavement airfares for them. On top of this a friend Sandra used her contacts to get a discount rate to drive Shelley and Steve's parents to go by limousine to the airport.

It is Saturday morning after coming back from the mortuary. Most people coming are aware of what happened. Shelley had very poor sleep the night before. She was lethargic and disconnected, exactly how she would be after a death so close. Lots of food was being delivered by friends. I took on the role of hostess and worker bee. I laid out the food, made sure everyone had what they needed, picking up trash, mopped and swept.  Shelley's mom was there to comfort Shelley. Family came from Texas, the men in their tuxedos not knowing the turn of events. Shelley's grandmother was very kind to me.

Shelley was so exhausted I suggested she lie down for a nap. Later when she woke up she was crying. I asked her what was going on, she said she was dreaming she was Steve and she felt she couldn't breath, she was drowning. I couldn't help but touch Shelley to comfort  her.  I really wanted to hold her. It made sense to me, but I had nothing to say to make it better.

At the funeral on Monday, we sat at the front. I was struck by all the dresses of the bridal  party and gasped at what it meant. I had forgotten they were doing this.  The limousine came as ordered to take Shelley and Steve's parents to the airport in Los Angeles, a good two hour drive.

For months after this, people asked me how was Shelley, how was Shelley's family. I would let everyone know they were still grieving but doing better as time passed. The problem was that I was also grieving. But, being the Director of Social Services, I was trying to deal with it as a professional and not as a family member. That was the problem. I was family and I wasn't dealing with my grief. I needed to do that. The next time I was asked how Shelley and the family were doing, I said "We're not doing very well.  Especially me right now because I haven't been dealing with my feelings at all. I'm not doing well". 

So, belatedly I started letting myself grieve. It was only when I started this that I started to feel better. What did I do?  I cried. I thought about all that happened and the people I loved. I talked to people about it all.  I didn't push myself. I let it happen in its own time. And it did.

So what did I learn?  Being the professional doesn't cut it if you are involved with the parties involved. I think delaying your grief is in general is a bad idea because other things can occur that just complicates that grief. I have seen that a lot in others.  When working in hospice I was told I was telling them to hurt.  Well, yes.  It is a process.  It is not an event.  If you don't allow yourself to go through it, you can't fully heal.  It is a hard lesson.

I read A Grief Observed by C. S. Louis recommended by my friend Mike who lost his first wife to cancer. Mr. Louis was honest with his feelings and you could hear and feel how overwhelmed he was in the beginning. That was certainly how I felt. The writing was his way of coping and healing. It seemed to help.  It was apparent he was doing better at the end of this writing.  It was written in 1961. 

I had the second and final session on Chalk Pastels with Kay Wilson at Art for Healing. It was so helpful to watch the artist at work as she was explaining why she does each stroke. So informative and relaxing. Below are pictures of a  sunset on the beach and a fall scene in a meadow. Last week she spent time on color and blending it.  I'm getting braver with color.  My horizon line is not straight.  I really need to use a ruler!

Beach Sunset

Autumn Meadow

My class with Carol Bradshaw was very good as usual. I'm still working on my parrots. I need to transfer it to better quality paper and work more on details. We are starting on goats. I need to have the outline done by the next class.  I've made several tries and they look odd.  I'll still work on it.  We have been talking about changing to watercolor and we will start in September instead of drawing. We will of course return to drawing. We will work on an owl later and we also will be working on people. Cost is an issue for not doing both mediums at the same time for my fellow student and me.

Outline of a Goat

I took another one of the introduction classes at The Bakersfield Art Center. This was in oil pastels and the instructor was Phyllis Oliver.  She is very good at explaining things and I gained a lot in the class. We played around with color combinations which was very helpful, then watched as she "painted" a picture of gladiolus and then we tried it.  Below is what I did.  I didn't know if I could be there every week in her  regular class but she said at this time it was a drop in session of three hours and people were working on a variety of projects. That would work for me.

gladiolus in oil pastel on fine sandpaper

I was fortunate enough to get the last slot in drawing with Nina Landgraff at Bakersfield College.  The price is right and she is a good teacher. It is the same as last year, but she said she changes it some each time she teaches it.  It starts in September.

Janet picked me up for my appointment with Dr. Wong.  I was so anxious to get this cast off and hoping that would happen.  Well it did.  I have mixed feelings about it. My skin feels so sensitive and my arm is stiff and sore.  I know that is to be expected, but there was a part of me in Fantasyland hoping it would be much easier.  Dr. Wong stated the hardest part will be the therapy and big men have been brought to tears when the therapist worked with them.  That makes me anxious. I know I need it.  My wrist and my fingers barely move. I worry if I push it too much I could break a bone.  We were at Dr. Wong's at least two hours so Janet and I had a late lunch at Mexicali's. Neither of us ate until we were there.  The margaritas did me in, I think because of no food earlier.  I came home and went to sleep not waking until 6:30 in the evening.  I had wanted to see Norma Neil's watercolor demonstration, but my energy was way down by then.

Swollen and Minimal Range of Motion

Meaghan has some cute videos of Conner but I have trouble getting those on here.  He is talking a blue streak, very alert and wants to play.  He is growing fast.

That is it for the week.  Hope to see you here next Sunday.        Rachel