The Impact of Suicide

My friend Marykay called me and said "David is talking about suicide". I said I would come up (she lived 1 1/2 hours from me. I was working in hospice and had a full day. I asked her if I could come the following day so I could work on my scheduling of home visits. She was okay with that. David was her husband then. He was a school teacher and a sensitive soul. This had been going on a while, but it changed into something very scary. He was well liked at school. He had three step-daughters who thought he was very special. Marykay worked for Regional Center and did a lot of art on her own time. It seemed that Marykay and David had a warm relationship. But I don't think those were the issues at all. You see, David suffered from major depression.  It wouldn't matter how well things were going.
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When I came up the next day, Marykay and I drove to a river not far from there and walked along its banks as we talked about what was going on. It turned out that David shared with her his morbid thoughts of suicide. Marykay wanted to make it all better and made contact with a psychiatrist in a large city thinking they might have more to offer. He was started on a different medication. I'm not sure much else was done. Marykay was wringing her hands trying to figure out what else she could do. I couldn't think of much. David wanted to continue what he was doing.

My biggest concern was that I did not feel she should take on responsibility or guilt if David took this option because there really was no way she could prevent him from doing this and he could look at other options but was not willing to do that.  I'd say my biggest role was to listen, let Marykay talk and give support to her.

I'm not sure how much later it was when I got the call from Marykay, that in fact David did commit suicide- maybe a month.  He had taken his car up to a family cottage in the mountains, put a hose into the exhaust to a window in the car lying down on the back seat. I think it might have been June.  It was summer time and they didn't find his body for two days.

Really, I don't know what to say, but I said I'd be up that day. I went to a bookstore and looked for books for survivors who have to deal with this and headed north. Marykay had her daughters there and we sat around the kitchen table. I gave her the books and asked questions really with the idea of getting them to talk. I thought that bringing those books might have come off as an assignment which I had not intended to do.  I told them to read them if they felt it could be helpful, but it was their choice to read them or not.

What do you say? "I'm sorry for your loss. What can I do to help you? Would you like to talk about it?" Some things seem so inane during these times. I think it is okay to say you're sorry for their loss because you would be. If you can go to someone who seems to be in charge, ask them how you can help. Bringing food is very helpful. No one has the energy to cook for themselves, let alone others. Perhaps tidying when stuff is all over the place and mop the floor as needed. Don't take it personally if you aren't the one they would want to talk to you. Not everyone can play that role. It is up to the ones who are grieving to decide who they would select. The biggest thing is to be a listener, sometimes a gentle touch on the hand or arm, though not everyone appreciates to be touched. If you are not sure, ask if you can give a hug or what is okay to them.

A few days later the service was held at a church. There were so many people there! If David could have seen how many people who loved, liked, appreciated him, maybe it would have helped. But I think Robin Williams did get a sense of that and it did not make a difference.

On to current events:

This is the latest picture of my great-grandson Conner. He is four months old!

I met my friend Janet for dinner. As always a pleasant visit. We went to our old standby Mexicali's on California. They make good Margaritas!

I have been organizing all my paper related to art. I got all of them in page protectors in binders. I had ordered this attractive bookcase I was going to put in my bedroom. One of the pieces was drilled wrong and I have been waiting for it. Darn! It hasn't come! I think it will be attractive when put together. My plan is to put all my art books in it. Hopefully it is enough space!

Tonight I went with Barbara and met a friend Jacquie and her daughter Debi.  Jacquie has had lots of medical issues and has been talking about putting her house up for sale and move to the coast. She has family there. So, we went out to dinner at Marie Callender's in case we could miss her before she goes.  When I get back from my trip, hopefully we will go to see a movie.  Barbara agreed to be the host to a backyard potluck.  She has done a lot to her patio, but we want to wait until it is a little cooler.

Tomorrow I'm heading back east to see my brother Ben and my friend Lynn. I'll be gone a week and expect I'll have a wonderful time.  My friend Janet will take me to the airport and pick me up when I return.

My next blog will be the day before I come back.  I'm having some trouble doing my blog on my iPad.  It will not let me see the bottom of my blog, so I can't seem to fix that part.  One thing I have been able to do is in the Notes application and transfer it to the blog program.  I can't seem to put pictures on the notes.  I send them as emails to myself and work on sending it to my blog.  So, the part I can write ahead of time will be at the end.  I have worked on that.  So expect it to be the reverse next time you see it.

See you next Sunday. Rachel