My dad George was diagnosed with colon cancer about a year before I went into treatment for my cancer. He had surgery and they didn't feel he needed chemotherapy or radiation.
He
was married to Kate, his second wife. They had married when I was
fourteen years old. I would say they had a very close relationship.
It
was upsetting when he was diagnosed and had surgery, but my dad talked like all
was going well. I think he didn't want to upset me.
Paul
and I had moved in together Thanksgiving weekend before this. I had found
a suspicious lump in my left breast when we had gone to Texas in December to
see my daughter Ronda and her family. I didn't want to spoil the time we were
having so I waited until we were at the hotel by the airport before telling
Paul and him feeling it. He was so alarmed that he accused me of ignoring
it. I said that I slept on my stomach in the hotel bed we were at and I
woke up feeling very sore and that was when I felt it.
When
I had surgery in January, then chemotherapy, I cried a lot. My dad and
Kate were very supportive. Paul had a contract job in Macao and I urged him to
do this. Though being alone was very upsetting when my hair fell out.
Paul was calling home a lot and I couldn't stop crying, but I think
hormones were the biggest problem, though there was a lot going on to feel sad.
I had to have surgery for something regarding the cancer and I asked dad
and Kate if they would come up. They didn't hesitate. While he was here,
we went out some, and I got a sense that something was wrong with my dad but he
denied it.
There
seemed to be less and less communication from Kate and my dad. That
really worried me and I called leaving message that Kate needed to call me.
I was now getting scared, on the verge of hysteria and I wanted to be
there for my dad if I could, It turned out that the cancer had returned.
He complained regularly when he went in to see his doctor. He had
no energy and just wanted to lay down. The doctor said he wasn't giving
it time and it was just the healing process. Well, that was not the case.
He went back in the hospital and they were talking about chemotherapy
now. Though when he had the first chemotherapy, he became very ill, so
this was not something he could do.
I
went to see him in the hospital. He was miserable and snappy. I
walked out of the room and Kate said, "let's go to the cafeteria and get
tea". While there I was crying and Kate said "Your father
doesn't mean to be nasty to you". I told her I really did understand
this, but that it was a shock seeing my dad this way and I didn't want him to
feel bad and I felt helpless.
I
asked Kate if she had thought about hospice care and she said "What's
hospice?" She did know what it was because I worked in hospice and
told them about it. I think it was more than she could handle hearing.
I said it would be good if dad could be home and that they would make
that more of a possibility than not having them. I ended up going home only
to be called not that much later that dad was not well and hospice had started.
I
headed back to their home and dad was really not well at all. I called
Ben and told him. I sent messages to my sisters but they did not respond.
Ben was coming for a high school class reunion but decided to be with dad
instead. I stayed at the house and Ben got a hotel room. I didn't
think dad would live long so I came to stay calling work and letting them know.
Paul was very supportive but couldn't deal with this so he took a trip
while I was with dad and Kate.
Kate
woke me up one night to ask me to help get dad back in bed. He had fallen
getting up to go to the bathroom. I don't know how we did it, but we did.
Kate also thought he might be tempted to eat more if she got his favorite
food which was Chinese. He did get up to eat but said "if you had
any idea what this was like for me, you wouldn't push this". I did
get a chance to tell my dad that he should have no regrets. I thought he
was a wonderful father. My dad was telling us there was a mouse running
along the wall of his room. He'd say Whoop! and move his head as if it
was moving very fast. We kept watching but never saw this. Then he
said "Obie is here". Now, this flabbergasted me, because my dad
was not religious. I asked him "What do you think about that?"
He said "Interesting!" I would have loved to ask more
questions, but it seemed unfair. He was so weak and all that we did was
an effort for him. He seemed to slip into a coma pretty fast. We each
took turns sitting with dad or we were all in there. Hospice had come
out, brought medications for his comfort, they also send a home health
aide to give him a bed bath and a shave. Kate came out and said
"your dad wants you". I crawled up on the bed to get near his
face and said I was there. He said "I'm cold and miserable."
The home health aide said "I'm just finishing up shaving him"
I repeated this to dad and asked if that was okay and he said
"No". Okay, he said no and that was what he wanted. We
stopped. Ben, Kate and I were in the room with dad one evening and we all
started crying. Dad woke up and he said "What if I didn't want to
die?" We laughed and said maybe he wouldn't die (oh, if only our
wishes could come true!). He slipped back into a coma. Another time dad
was saying, "Mama, mama". I touched his shoulder to comfort him
and he stopped saying anymore.
Kate
called me to eat a bite of lunch. We did and then Kate went in the room
and called out "Rachel!" I ran in. My dad had stopped breathing
sometime during our 20 minute lunch break. We were crying. I sent a
message to Ben and Paul that dad died. Ben didn't get the message.
Paul had returned and did. We called hospice to inform them and
they called the mortuary dad and Kate wanted. When Ben returned we sat together
comforting each other and talking about what we wanted. Dad wanted to be
cremated. We had the ashes taken out to sea by the Neptune Society and
had a memorial service for my dad in Pasadena. Every time I cried I
thought that this was a whole lot worse for Kate than me, because my dad was a
major part of her like.
How
Kate dealt with it was burying herself in her volunteer work at the Los Angeles
Zoo and in her art work. She is a master botanical artist. Many of
her friends had already lost spouses and advised her to stay busy. She
did it, but I think it was very hard.
For
me, Paul and I were moving into a house we had built for us. I kept
turning to the phone to call dad then realizing that wasn't going to happen.
I probably allowed myself to grieve more openly than Kate, but our
personalities are also very different. Kate and I have developed a very
good friendship and we keep in touch with each other regularly. Ben also
has been visiting and we make it a threesome for a week when we get together. I've enjoyed
that.
Back to current time. I lost all the pictures I had on this blog. I think I will look for another blog program because this was upsetting, So now you know why there aren't pictures. Besides, this is my brother's computer and my pictures are not on it.
The plane
ride was uneventful except for a crying baby on the last 3 hours in the air.
Lynn
got to airport and was waiting for me. Lynn Repasky is a clinician at an
adolescent residential treatment center and school. She has been there two
years. Her boyfriend is John who is an accountant. (my Paul was a CPA!
Hmmmm!! What is this social work and financial?!). We worked
together at a prison. We are both social workers and were case managers there.
We
went to her apartment which is bigger than the last one. Her dog Zack
remembered me but did not like face to face contact from me. We went for
bagels and lox (my favorite breakfast) in the morning then soon after we took off for Manhattan
to meet my brother at the hotel where he got rooms for us
We
had pizza at Grimaldi's in Brooklyn. In an area called DUMBO (Down Under
Manhattan Bridge Overpass). The arts and fashion photography are
the main activities in this area. Lynn had taken Barbara Rodriguez and I
when we were here last time and it was fabulous. It still was good, but it was
moved to a much larger building next door from where it had been. Went to see what
was in that building now and there was a large article on the window how the
owner sold Grimaldi's name. I didn't read the whole article, but what is
in its place is another pizza restaurant owned by the original Grimaldi's owner
and now called Julianna's. The place looked empty even though there was
this great review on the window.
We
went to the 9/11 Memorial and Museum. It was quite touching. I understand
tickets are free Tuesday evenings (when we were there). You do need to make a
reservation. We parted with Lynn when we got back to our hotel. Great visit with her.
The
next day Ben and I went to The Museum of Modern Art and then to see The Fantasticks, and enjoyable musical.
The following day we went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Both museums were excellent, but they are so big that if
you don't have days to spend there, it is a better idea to focus on a couple of
areas to explore. We took a train back to Connecticut. Much less stress that way.
My legs were so sore and felt rubbery
walking so much. We took it easy and I worked on my art at Ben's home. So I drew a
chicken and a goat. The chicken I drew upside down except with the head.
I turned it multiple directions to get the right dimensions. That really
does help. I forgot to take the directions to draw the goat, but I did bring a
book that had guidelines. I also worked on drawing loops to loosen my hand.
The
following day we took it easy again. I really needed the rest. We ate out
for our meals because neither of us were open to cooking. We did go to the
store to buy salad fixings for the following day. We were going to have dinner
with his friends Roy and Emily, Trip and Donna.
In
the morning we went to The New Britain Museum of American Art. I loved
it! It was the right size. We could actually see all the art there. There
was a special exhibit Glass Today: 21st-Century Innovations. I particularly
liked two of the glass wall pieces that used light to reflect some od the glass
work. The artists were Sydney Cash, born 1941, the piece called Kemosabe,
2012 and Stephen Knapp, born 1947, and the piece is called Done for the Night,
2008.
We drove to Hartford, not a long drive to Roy's and Emily's home. How lovely!
It is over a hundred years old and well maintained. Lots of
character and many nooks and crannys. Donna made an appetizer and Emily made
the bulk of the meal. The men are AA members. They didn't seem to have an issue with the women having a glass of wine. Good company and good talk. It
was great to meet them all (though I had met Roy years ago). Ben talks about
them all the time, so now I have faces to go with the names,
There
was an article n The Hartford Courant on dealng with loss. There was a picture
as a part of the article that was at The New Britain a museum depicting the
effect off 9/11 on us. The mural had been commissioned by someone who
lost their child in that horrible event. It's called Coping with Loss
over the Centuries.
Today
we went to visit our cousin Helen and her husband Alan. We went to their
lake house in Sutton Massachusetts. Very nice people. Had wonderful food prepared by Alan. He has been a chef and at one time had his own health food restaurant in New York. There home was really nice and they continue to work on it. The conversation was great.
Before we went back to Ben's home we went to see a plaque in honor of our Uncle Elias Snitzer in Southbridge and where American Optical used to be. He was head of the team that developed the glass laser.
My granddaughter-in-law Meagan
(I've been misspelling her name), Billy's wife took another picture of Conner
this week that I would have liked to share. Sorry I can't You might get double the dose of pictures next week.
I go home tomorrow. I'll see you next Sunday. Rachel
See
you next Sunday! Rachel
Sent from my iPad
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