Facing Paul's Death

In 2007, my husband Paul was very private about his feelings. I believe he was aware of something wrong with his health quite awhile before he let on to me that there was an issue. Paul was complaining about congestion in his chest in December before his death. He also sent letters to all his grandchildren telling each one how special he or she was and encouraging each to grow with the strength each had. I urged him to see a doctor about the congestion. He was given oral antibiotics to clear it up.  It didn't help and he was eventually sent to have a lung biopsy. This was done just before a trip we had scheduled to go to Australia.  Paul still wanted to go. 

Paul was having a lot of pain but I was having trouble getting doctors to order pain Meds for him.  I think Paul was playing down symptoms so they didn't realize how serious this was.  I called a friend of mine who was a nurse and told her what was happening. Her partner was a doctor who ordered pain Meds for him.

Our time in Australia was very hard for us. Paul slept a lot and then toughed it out when we went sightseeing and visiting my cousin Louis and his family outside of Sydney. 

The flight back home was very rough. Paul said "I don't think I can walk off this plane".  I told the flight attendant and she said, "Why didn't you make arrangements for this?"  I let her know that we didn't realize it was this bad. When the plane landed there was someone waiting with a wheelchair. I don't know if it was for us or not, but we took it. Everything took so long that we missed our flight from Los Angeles to Bakersfield. 

I arranged a rental car. Paul was having problems holding foods down but was very hungry. He asked for a drive through meal and promptly threw up what he ate. 

We had put our house up for sale to return to Bakersfield to be near our children because we sensed that he was not well. We lost one buyer while we were on the trip because they didn't qualify. 

When we got back, we had a medical appointment on Valentines Day when we were told he had lung cancer that had metastasized and was stage IV.   I wanted to stay home to care for Paul but he insisted I needed to work.  How I handled this was to call early afternoon.  If there was a problem, I left work immediately.  This ended up being very regular. 

Since we were planning to move back to Bakersfield, we changed his insurance back to Kaiser Permanente during the open enrollment period and drove to Bakersfield for his medical care (1 1/2 hour drive). 

Paul wanted to tell his children and grandchildren what was going on and we arranged a time to do this. Paul's daughters were there with their children. 

Paul woke me up often wanting to talk. One time he wanted coffee, so I made it and brought it back to our room where we had a sitting area. After a while, he said "I can sleep now".  I couldn't. This was about three in the morning.  I had many nights like this. So I was chronically exhausted at work. 

We finally had a buyer for our home and made a couple of trips to find a home in Bakersfield. Paul asked "Do you want a house like this or one you will be able to pay off?"  I asked for one I could pay off.  We found an older home that was maintained fairly well and made an offer. They accepted this. 

In the mean time I was packing. Paul was unable to help. Family and friends helped us with this. 

On moving day in Visalia, Paul stayed at a hotel in Bakersfield.  He wanted to help but he knew he couldn't. I was in Visalia when the movers came.  The moving company would place the furniture in our new home the following day. 

On Friday. I went to see my friend who was the head of the hospice organization I worked for.   She was there, but I found out later she was on the road a lot and was rarely there.  She took me to her office where I promptly broke down in tears telling her that Paul was not doing well at all.  I was overwhelmed and we needed help but I couldn't think about what to do.  She agreed to have her doctor friend and her come to talk with us about what was going on.    Jennifer was very direct with us stating that Paul was dying.   She had asked him a lot of questions and took his vitals.  Paul and I reached for each other holding hands with our eyes tearing up.  Paul said "This is what we do when we get bad news.  We hold each other." Jennifer who was a doctor providing palliative care but also a doctor for hospice care gave us prescriptions to control various symptoms.

I stayed with Paul at the hotel in Bakersfield the night before we would be in our new home. Paul did not want me to sleep in the same bed because movement made him have spasms of pain.  He woke me up in the middle of the night and said "Rachel, are you awake?"  I said I was. He said "I have something very important to tell you, are you listening?"  I told him I was. He said "I wanted to tell you I feel absolutely normal as long as I don't move, but I know I'll have to move and then I'll have a lot of pain.  But, at this moment I feel fine". Of course he did have to finally move and he was overwhelmed with pain. 

Family was at our new home. The moving company came and had all furniture in the right rooms and set up within two hours. Family helped organize our home to live in.    Paul's son Jeff and his family stayed here. Paul let them know he did not feel he would live much longer.  He told them that I had been very helpful to him.  He also told us he wanted hospice care. 

During this time his feet were swelling up badly. I was alarmed and said we needed to go to the ER.  He said he wanted one of his children there because he was concerned I would push him to be admitted to the hospital. I told him I would never do that but I was okay if all his children came. Paul made it clear to the ER doctor at the hospital he would not agree to being admitted to the hospital and also stated he wanted hospice care. He was given a prescription to flush this fluid.   

On Saturday we officially asked for hospice care and on Sunday the equipment came to make Paul more comfortable. Paul's children went home. We had the bed set up in the living room and I slept on the sofa. 

Around three Monday morning, five days after we had moved back to Bakersfield into a new home, Paul woke up trying to get on the bedside commode and vomiting. I shot up to help him, but he was too big for me to handle alone. I needed to call his daughters and unlock the door. I was so afraid of leaving him and he falling.  I thought about how I could make a loop to open door and grab the phone, then return to hold him as fast as I could.  I was able to do this and did reach his daughter Jennifer who came over immediately. As we were trying to figure out how to get Paul back in bed, Paul died. Jennifer asked, "Did my dad just die?"  He had. We both burst into tears. I started calling family and hospice.  The hospice nurse came and made the call to the mortuary. Jeff's family said they would come back. In the mean time, the mortuary came to pick up his body. We held them off waiting for Jeff and his family to get here.  Shelley helped in cleaning up. 

When Jeff and his family came, we all said our final goodbyes. We went out to breakfast. All of us felt detached from reality. Jennifer and I made an appointment at the mortuary.

When Jennifer, Jeff and I went to the mortuary, we made arrangements for his cremation and where his ashes would go. Jennifer asked me to also make arrangements for myself to cut down on the trauma of this process. Though initially, I was horrified at this thought, I did it. 

I had a lump growing on my neck and I suspected it was my cancer metastasized. It had been going on for months, however Paul's situation was primary and I didn't think I could deal with both our problems at the same time.   I had made an appointment the day Paul died but rescheduled it the following day since there was so much going on. 

My friend Cathy Seguine went with me. The doctor thought it was cancer so he scheduled a biopsy which was done soon after Paul's service.  It turned out it was now a stage IV and metastasized. I was so glad Cathy was with me. I couldn't retain what I was told and I was devastated.  Cathy took notes and we talked about it later. 

It was difficult to know what was harder, losing Paul or being told there was nothing more they could do for me except for comfort measures. I was a basket case. I attempted to bury myself in my work which helped a lot, but I also needed to grieve. 

Next week I'd like to talk about what happened then with my own treatment, how I coped and grieving over Paul's death. 

Back to current time:

Enjoyed Dolphin Tale 2 with Barbara, Jacquie and Debbie. Family oriented and uplifting. Had dinner at The Great Castle. They have many vegetable dishes in addition to meats. We are talking about going to Mama Roomba next time. 

I stayed home most of Monday to get the bookcases that were being delivered.  Well, in the evening I opened the front door and they were leaning against the house. I have no idea when they were delivered. An email was sent to me to put it in the room where it will go. I'm so glad I have a dolly. I was able to do that. 

I saw an occupational therapist early Monday to learn exercises to become more mobile after the surgery I had.  I thought her name was familiar, Linda Mather, and she also looked familiar.  It turned out we worked together at Kern Medical Center and Kern View in town.  I was 27 when I moved here so our initial meeting was 38 years ago.  Holy cow!  That’s shocking!  That many years?  We knew a lot of people in common.  The only one she mentioned who I still see is Marykay Feit.  Almost like homecoming!  Linda taught me some great exercises and I’m working on them.  I’ll see her next week for a total of six weeks.

I had my art class with Carol Bradshaw. I only had my outlines done but got good feedback to work further. We started on watercolor. I didn't buy anything for it but she was able to loan me some supplies. We worked on the tools we'd need, how to do a flat wash and a graded wash. After class I bought my supplies mostly at Michaels, but some from Aaron Brothers. At both stores young women helped me to locate what I needed.  They were very helpful and kind.

I went up to the Helping One Woman which is held at the Marriott in Visalia. The parking lot was full. There were three men talking by my car.  One was saying to the others "Well, if we have to autopsy all of them, we will."  Definitely not the group I was meeting with. They turned out to be a part of a Coroners Convention. 

It was a good dinner with the Helping One Woman.  The family and classmates were there supporting a young man who has been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and now going through treatment.  A woman nominated this young man's mother for this.  We were moved into the restaurant because the coroners got the ballroom.  People seemed very relaxed and having fun.  I certainly was doing better.  They have people selling arts and crafts and there was someone from Pampered Chef.  That worked out well.  The Occupational Therapist recommended their jar opener, so I ordered it.  I need all the tools to make doing things easier for me.

I stayed at my friend Martha’s home after the Helping One Woman dinner.  She took the battery out of the clock so that didn’t affect my sleep like it did last month.   Next month Martha and I will spend time together the next day.  I needed to get home because of work being done here.

The electrician I called last week was coming that day.  He moved the eye of the sensor and it worked.  He showed me what was happening and what to do next time it would happen.  He didn’t have his tools because they have a contract with PG&E and his son had to go to another job so he checked out what was happening.  He said if I had tools he would see what he could do.  Well,  I did have them because my husband had tools, but before we got together I had my own tools for small jobs around the house.  Wes, Heather’s boyfriend had me order a particular part.  It turned out to be correct, but the holes to screw it to the fan/light were too small.  I had a drill and he was able to widen the holes to get the screws to go through.  I had a bulb that went to 150 watt and he told me that was too high for this and to not go higher than 65 watts. I went back to the store to get the right bulb.

In addition to that going on, the man came to put the bookcases together.  He was from Fresno (a good two hours away) and did't call me to see if I was here until he was about a half hour away.  He was shocked to see the 559 area code which would be the area he was coming from.  I have kept the same phone number I had in Visalia which panicked him.  He was relieved after driving so far that the house was not north of here

The Kern County Fair is an important event here. I went with my friend Barbara and three of her friends. It was senior day and there was no charge for parking or admission.  We limited our interest to the arts and crafts, collections, art and photography.  Last year my brother Ben and I went to the Los Angeles County Fair. That was such a disappointment. It was mostly commercial and little space was given to the work of individuals. I prefer the Kern County Fair even if some collections were hokey.  

This is a short video of Conner trying to figure out how to use a whistle. Interesting watching him think about this. 

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Thanks for reading!  I'll see you next week.    Rachel