Feeling Numb

I was very numb going through this, especially in the beginning.  My memory is scattered and you can tell which things were more important to me by what I do remember.

Paul's memorial service was helpful. Shelley and her husband put together  a DVD slideshow of Paul's entire life including his time with his first wife showing the children and grandchildren growing up. The song was by Johnny Cash singing "I've Been Everywhere".  When Paul died he had gone to 50 countries. I had done 46 because Paul did an around the world trip alone. I had recently become a state employee and not able to leave long. In addition, Paul had enough frequent miles to cover the airfare.  He was already having trouble getting around and later said he would have preferred if I could have gone with him.

We invited people back to the house so people could share their experiences with Paul. Many family and friends were there.  We had Mexican food, wine and beer. My stepmom Kate stayed at the house to take care of things. I wonder why we feel we have to put on a spread in the middle of a major loss.  It's not really a social event, but maybe it is for many. 

Shelley and Jennifer were very concerned about how I'd be, so Jennifer and her three children spent the first night night with me in my bed. That was not restful. Kayla slept next to me throwing her arm over me. I was sleeping on my side and just took up that space on the edge of the bed. When Shelley and Jennifer talked about who would have duty the next night, I told them I was okay. I needed my space. 

I stayed home a total of three weeks since starting our move, but was finding it depressing not getting dressed and watching mindless television.  I called my supervisor saying I had to come back but I didn't want people to spend a lot of time on my loss because it made me emotional. 

The staff on the unit gave me a singing card "I Will Survive". It was very touching and I burst into tears. I thanked them but asked them to do no more. They said they wanted me to know that they loved me. I told them I already knew that, but I wanted a place where it was more regular. That this was where I was taking a break from the emotional side and of this. 

I still found myself very emotional. One psychiatrist thought I should go to a support group but I told him I felt so needy that I didn't feel I could listen to other people's hurts. A psychologist I worked with said I needed to find a way of taking control of my life. 

In addition to all this, my cancer had returned.  It was now stage IV and had metastasized to my neck. The doctors were now saying that all that could be done were comfort measures. That was very overwhelming to hear.  I had a hard time coping except when I was working. 

So the psychologist who said I needed to find a way to take control of my life was right. There was information coming out about a dietary issues affecting people's chances of developing cancer. Whether this was true or not, it didn't seem to be a bad thing to work on changing my diet. The different issues being discussed were MUFA's (monounsaturated fatty acids) to help reduce belly fat, the potential benefit of cruciferous vegetables that seemed to counter the growth of cancer cells, the danger of sugars, especially high fructose corn syrup. And then I read this fascinating book called The China Study by T. Colin Campbell, PhD which did a study of various communities in China to determine if certain disease processes were affected by dietary intake. That then led to other writers looking at diet and disease process. 

So I was not strict in doing this but I did increase my vegetable and fruit intake. For quite a while, I stopped all meat intake.  I talked a friend Barbara into looking at this. Now she didn't have cancer,  but she had many chronic health issues. She was actually able to stop her medications with her doctor's supervision. I didn't get there, but I did feel a whole lot better. The thing I've decided is that if this was our diet from the beginning of our lives, we would be so much healthier.  I still think this would be a good thing, even at my age. I'm just not sure that it would reverse what is going on, but it might slow it down. 

I also did imagery to see myself taking control of my life. I think the messages we give ourselves can influence how we will do.  But I also feel that grief is a real thing.  You're not going to be positive immediately.  That is something we work towards as we allow ourselves to grieve.  I see it as a natural process and the time it takes will vary according to the supports you have and how much you actually allow yourself to grieve.

My stepmom Kate gave me a great book called The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. What was so good about this was how open she was about her own experience which helped to put my own feelings in perspective. 

I had a hard time on the anniversary of his death for about three years.  His birthday, our anniversary and holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas for me were hard at that time without him.  It takes some time and experience to get used to doing things differently and often times alone.

It took about two or three years before I could get rid of Paul's clothes. I did keep a couple of sweaters and shirts to wear when I needed comfort. I had asked Jennifer to help me with this, but she refused. For myself, I found I did better by being more open about all of this. 

Back to current time:

My daughter Jennifer moved in with me temporarily while she gets back on her feet. But what do you do when you don't have a car, don't have a job and no money to make it all work?  Hopefully this works.  She is working on a plan and the latest she will be leaving is November 26 of this year.  I'm trying to enforce some ground rules.  I'm not used to having someone here and our lifestyles are very different.  She is turning in resumes.  Any tips people have to share would be appreciated.  She is redoing her resume today.

In Carol Bradshaw's class, we worked on doing a flat wash with tape on each layer so when it is finished, you'll see all layers. See picture below. The other one is a graduated wash done turning it upside down when starting the next wash.  She sent me a message to bring my drawings back to class because she thought they needed more work but were worth doing.   I also had my second class this year with Nina Landgraff at Bakersfield College.  We drew a man sitting on a chair upside down.  Fascinating.  I'm sure I would have had a much more difficult time if it had been right side up.  I also did a feather which came out nice and a somewhat dried twig with leaves and what looked like miniature pinecones.   I still haven't figured out how to use the iMac for all things.  I took pictures of my pictures, but they aren't showing up for me to pick.

Kayla came by for assistance from her mom on a school assignment. Jennifer and I shopped for the week and she made dinner for Kayla, me and herself. It was very tasty.


My friend Cathy Seguine and I met for lunch at our favorite Thai restaurant downtown.  It is amazing how we can pick up where we left off with no problem.  Each of us has been very busy, so we are lucky to get to have time together.

My friend Martha sent me a picture taken of me at the Helping One Woman dinner.  My shirt is so colorful it makes me look bright.

Me at a Helping One Woman Dinner

My daughter Ronda had her 44th birthday this week.  She was woken by her daughter when I called at noon her time. She is having back pain. I told her to check into developing core muscles. That is what the physical therapist had me do when I broke my back. Hailey posted a picture of her and her mother at an earlier age. I think they both looked good and I was struck by how much Hailey looked like her mom at that age.  Hailey will be twenty in March and now looks like a young woman.

Hailey and Ronda

Had lunch with my friends Janet and Lisa at Sandrini's.  We all love pickled tongue and we think they have the best in town, even better than Woolgrowers and Luigi's.  Then I went on to see my Occupational Therapist Linda Mather. I really am improving after one week but I want more. There are some moves I want to do better and I don't want to be so stiff. It is much better though.

Well, that's about it this week.  I'll see you next week.  Hope all is well.        Rachel