Life in the Fast Lane

I was thinking about when I found the lump in my breast in December of 1999.  Paul and I had gone to visit my daughter and her family in Texas.  I slept poorly in the hotel room we got.  The mattress was a foam mattress and I was trying to find a good position.  I ended up sleeping on my stomach which is not the way I usually sleep.  When I awoke, I felt very sore, I felt my left breast and felt a lump.  I never had noticed anything like that before.  I didn't bring it up until we were at another hotel by the airport the night before leaving.  I told Paul and he felt it.  He was very alarmed and accused me of ignoring it.  I told him I wouldn't do that.  He said, "You need to see the doctor as soon as we get back".  It was actually kind of strange.  He was very upset and became angry I think because there was nothing he could do to fix it.  When we got back I called right away and had a mammogram the following day.  I could sense there was an issue because the technician became quiet.  She left the room and when she came back she said the doctor wanted another test.  I don't recall what it was at the time, but I laid on a pad with water below.  My breast was in the water.  So somehow they took pictures this way.  I was called the following day by my doctor who said he wanted me to see the surgeon that day.  I have to say this was all freaking me out, but if you were to look and hear me, you would think I was very calm.  I had a lumpectomy the following week on a Monday.  I was told they didn't get it all and that I needed a modified radical mastectomy.  The thing that really sticks in my mind is how dysfunctional I became as I was going through all this.  I didn't think clearly and I was an emotional basket case.  Though I did find humor at times through this whole process,(I'll share some of that next week}, my baseline was fear, anxiety- on the verge of hysteria.  I felt I was going to die anytime and I didn't feel I had the energy or the head to handle problems.  I felt I needed a social worker (I'm a social worker) to help me deal with problems.  Really, I was always very good at doing this, but when it is yourself, all that goes out the window.  I was amazed at my inability to deal with all this when I was quite good at doing it for others.  So I really do understand when people are going through all this in the beginning.  It is very frightening and overwhelming.  I thought cancer was cancer.  I had heard some things, but never learned it.  When it is you, you finally start to get the idea. Also, I really didn't want to know that much about it at the time.  It was like the more I knew, the more it is real.  Ugh!

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I was invited to join a group of women called WeSpeak: Women's Story Circle.  In addition to sharing ourselves, there was drumming, dancing, stretching and writing. There were many women from teen to late 60s. So I joined at the second meeting. This is a safe place for women to open up with much support from everyone. I think this will make me braver in sharing what I go through, because I'll hear how others see their experiences and I expect I'll pickup on the universality in these experiences. My only concern is over committing myself because I physically hurt much more if I don't work in enough breaks. Everybody was okay with me sitting on an ottoman while they sat on the floor and when exercising that I did much less than they did. The woman who was leading the exercises said using my imagination by seeing myself doing the moves would help me.  So we put in a word to complete a sentence about ourselves and then it be came a poem. This is mine:

I am honest and caring.
I wonder what's around the corner.
I hear purring
I smell Cedar.
I want to travel.
I am honest and caring.
I pretend I feel well.
I feel happiness.
I touch my kitties
I worry about arguing.
I am grateful to read.
I am honest and caring.

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So I returned to my art class with Carol Bradshaw having lightly drawn the pictures. I ended up having this really neat tool called a ruling pen. Where my lines are very uneven and shaky, this allowed me to put it on more evenly. Wayne, my fellow student, figured it out right away. Carol said you can use with paint too. You can make you lines with different widths. It would be great for doing grass. So I finished applying the mask so it wouldn't run into other areas. Carol cautioned that it would make a hard line and to keep this in mind.    I should have drawn the buildings using a ruler, but it makes it very much mine without the straight lines.  Here is what I have done. 

Boats at the Marina

Butterfly and Flower

I saw an optometrist through Kaiser.  I didn't know that Kaiser Permanente paid some of the cost.  The exam was covered.  I have cataracts, but they aren't bad enough for surgery.  My right eye can't be fully corrected, but it will be an improvement.  My eyesight has gone downhill quite a bit, but there is nothing major going on.  I had Radial Keratotomy around 1987 to correct my vision.  It did help a lot, but there are problems with stability after the surgery.  She felt that was probably the reason I have problems now.  My vision prior to the surgery was 20/800, so I don't feel bad that I had the surgery.

My Red Hat group met at Chef's Choice Noodle Bar. There were seven of us. One thing this allowed was for us to share as one group.  We were very open with each other about what we were going through. It is good to have people where we can do this.  Our next meeting is at T L Maxwells. My granddaughter-in-law's mother Dainette will hopefully join us next month. 

I figured that I had so much to do this week that I couldn't stall. It is amazing how much time the little things take to accomplish.   Well that was a good idea and I probably need to be more like this.  I would get a lot done.

My friend Janet and I went to La Costa a fairly new Mexican restaurant in town (In it's new location in the Icehouse).   We talked a lot.  Though our politics are on opposite sides of the spectrum, we can connect (and quite well I'd say) because of the similarities in losses.  But it is much more than that.  We have known each other for many years and we are just very comfortable with each other.  By the way, the food is quite good.  They have lots of seafood, but there are other dishes you would expect in a Mexican restaurant here.

So my namesake Rachel had a baby shower yesterday in Visalia.   What a wonderful event!. It was great to see her and her sisters Libby and Lacey.  They all look fabulous.   They look a lot like their mom when she was their age.   I didn't get to talk much with Marykay, but we will set up another visit to Livermore in the not too distant future.  Her mom Marykay is a very good friend of mine and I gave her one of my pictures. I have two of hers on my wall.

Standing on left Lacey, Libby, Sitting on left Jordan,
Rachel,  and Johnny (the boys are Lacey's)

At back, my friend Marykay, her daughter Lacey and Lacey's best friend.
Marykay looks fabulous.  This family has great genes!

Rachel, My namesake, and the honored one!

I went to spend the night at my friend Annemarie's home in Hanford.  We went to an Indian restaurant there which was quite good!  They have meat dishes but really quite a bit of vegetarian and vegan food.  This morning we went out for breakfast talking more about working in the prison, our friends and getting together later.  So we have set a date to get together with Lynette, Marc and Mimi, but they don't like to plan way ahead.  For myself, it has to be on the calendar or I probably cannot go.  So we will be letting them know a week or two ahead of the event.  Also Annemarie and I will see if we can go to San Diego and visit her sister.  I haven't been to San Diego in quite a while.   

No picture of Conner this week, but Meagan did go in for an ultrasound. Meagan is 27 weeks along with Kason.  So she had an ultrasound and I find it amazing how clear the picture is of his face!

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This is quite good.  It is very true that what you saw as important changes as your life changes.

What Was Once Important Is Now Meaningless

So it has been a very full week.  I liked all I did and feel a lot was accomplished.  I hope you have had a good week, and I'll see you next Sunday.            Rachel