Periodical Struggles I Try to Deny

I met my friend Janet for a Margarita and a snack at Mexicali's.  She really pushed me saying I was not using the blood pressure cuff or the pulse oximeter because I was afraid of something.  I was irritated with her about doing this and asked that we not discuss it, but then I told her I was worried. I'm not ready to throw in the towel, but I get this sense that more things are going on.  She did not feel I was near death and felt that without checking those numbers regularly, I would have little to share with the doctor.  Her feeling was that it very likely could be an easy fix, but we haven't got to the problem area yet.  This actually was comforting to me. I have thought that when I hit the time of the dying process, I'll be okay about letting go.  This is the sense I got when seeing my mother, father and my husband Paul die. I also worked in hospice as a social worker.  When patients were this close to death, their concerns were about being pain free and seeing certain loved ones and perhaps letting go of emotional issues they might have with them. It is about comfort and I didn't think that was my issue yet.  Most of the time I feel just fine and then periodically, I feel very alone and somewhat frightened.  I feel better now.

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Last Sunday, late afternoon, my daughter Shelley, her son Kevin and my friend Barbara came over to watch a movie, Interstellar, which we never saw.  It came out in 2014. Though it is long, we all thought it was a very good movie. My friend Barbara recommended The Martian which will be coming to theaters soon. That too tied in a lot of science, so both use science as the base of their stories. I finished the book The Martian this week and look forward to the movie. 

At my art class with Carol Bradshaw, we talked about how hollyhocks grow and practiced drawing them.  We also worked on mingling colors  as opposed to mixing and painting with the combined colors with the idea to make that the background when doing a watercolor of the hollyhocks.  Carol invited me to come to her home in the mountains because she knows of many places to take pictures for my art work.  I went up there yesterday morning and spent the day there. We went to see waterfalls. Since the drought, the waterfalls were very little or trickles, but I learned a lot about composition and about layers, what is in front of what. So fascinating.  Carol also showed me where she would set up to paint or draw, where the water runs. Some of it so obvious, but really I never thought about it. So I have to say, my eyes saw so much more than I have in the past. I loved Carol's home. She has different projects going everywhere. In addition to drawing and painting, she quilts, does needle point, sewing. So much more than that. Her home once was around 800 square feet and it is about 3,000 square feet with her doing the planning all the way. I was so impressed. And, on top of that she made a wonderful soup with no meat which was so flavorful. She will give a copy at our class on Tuesday. Her dog, Sofie is such a sweetie!  She introduces me to her as a Aunt Rachel. When she meets people this way, she sees them as okay.  Next time I go up to Carol's we will look for barns.

Hollyhock with Mingled colors in Background
Definitely requires a Redo

Hollyhock with with Bud
I did not understand mingling colors, so it is painted.

Hollyhocks in pencil

Sofie knows me as Aunt Rachel

Very small water fall, but at least you get the idea

Water low but looked and sounded nice going around rocks.

A Leaf Caught Up by the Current

My Teacher and Friend Carol

I have been homebound most of the week. I continue to tire out quickly and sleep long hours.  My friend Barbara suggested I get a stationary bicycle and use at least 20 minutes a day. So I ordered an inexpensive one. I'm too anxious to go walking on my own, though Barbara said she would go with me sometimes to walk at the indoor mall.  The bike came and I will set it up in front of the television today.  I  have a friend Mimi who exercises this way but when she was trying to sell me on doing this two or three years ago, it seemed so unappealing. But now I'd rather do this than end up with diabetes.  Also she had it in her guest room.  I find that unappealing.  I need to have my mind on something else to do it.

This is a blog by Doreen Tapper going through treatment for breast cancer. She started a blog called The Middle of the Journey.  She shares how writing a blog helps her.  I feel the same. Read her story below.   You might want to sign up to follow her.

http://doreentapper.blogspot.com/2015/07/the-3-things-i-learned-from-blogging.html

This woman shares her request to others not to offer platitudes (like "give it time"). Though many of these sayings are true, it absolutely does not help the person grieving. They will come to this in their own time, but you saying that tells them you don't want to hear. That is the problem. That is what we need. We need to talk and cry and we need your comfort, like a hug.  So this is what she shared. It really is universal-  we all go through this.

http://thegrieftoolbox.com/article/pleasenomorewords

This next week I have a lot planned (so what else is new Rachel?!)  I do love that until the exhaustion takes over. I'm hoping getting on the stationary bike helps with this!  I hope you have the week you want and I'll see you next Sunday.                         Rachel