Thanksgiving, Friends and Family

 I am improving movement of my right hand. I'm working now on strengthening exercises.  My fingers are very week and an exercise tool I bought at a music store. It is for fingering maybe for a brass instrument. It requires pressing down on buttons. It is an effort for me because I'm so week. 

I had a MUGA scan on Wednesday. The Herceptin I take has the potential for causing heart damage so I get this  test every six months. I expect it will be okay. 

I went to my friend Janet's home who has seemed to get hit with a lot of things requiring immediate attention. She had to get a break job and found out she has termites. Now she lives in a condo which is joined with a couple of other condos. I would think the association would cover this since it could damage and perhaps destroy all three units. I understand they will cover outside damage and she is to cover inside damage. I think that is shortsighted on the association's part since it eventually effects the whole association. 

So we both talked about our up coming Thanksgiving celebrations. Both of us have family issues but we were going to enjoy the time with those we wanted to be with. 

So my granddaughter Kayla agreed to come over and help me on Thanksgiving Day. Her brother Devin, and my grandson came over with both helping with the preparation of food. As usual, we made too much, but I love leftovers as does Shelley. Part of the problem is that my grandkids have other families to celebrate with besides me. Six of them left but came back after dinner at these other homes. I made two new dishes that turned out delicious and I'm adding them for other celebrations. The turkey turned out dry which is highly unusual at my home. Kayla kept insisting it was time to take the turkey out and she was right.  The problem is that I was cooking it in an electric roaster and felt if I lifted the cover, it would throw the timing off because of the change in temperature.  We watched a football game, watched a movie and the kids played a game. Really, a lovely Thanksgiving.  I really enjoyed Kayla this time. She is usually so reserved showing emotion, but on this day she gave me a kiss and hug. I really do love these kids!

The following morning, my daughter Shelley came over and we cleaned it all up. I had given her all my Christmas decorations earlier and they picked up the tree that day.   I'll do Thanksgiving and she will do Christmas.  Kevin came with his dad. He had his nose in a book that he was obviously enjoying. I would like all my kids and grandkids to get into reading. I think they would find it so good for the soul.   

I met Janet at Mexicali's for our weekly margarita and a snack. She also gave me some of her stuffing for the turkey. So delicious and very different than mine!

I took the train to Hanford to see my friend Annemarie.  Renee who is a Recreational Therapist joined us.  I used to work with her.  It was very nice seeing her again.  Annemarie had two of her pictures she did showing at the Kings Art Center. It was a great showing of local art with appetizers, wine and lemonade. There was a young cat  going around and Annemarie took it to a center in the mall to get it adopted. It was tame, friendly and very cute. I think she'll get a home. The following day we went back to Kings Art Center again to see The Young Masters 2014. Fabulous show!  There are also very talented kids out there!  Here are Annemarie's pictures up in the gallery.

Emu by Annemarie Stokes

Ancient Eyes by Annemarie Stokes

The train was running very late. It was 50 minutes late.   They were saying it was traffic congestion, but the people on the train said there were a couple of adults giving underage children alcohol and trying to get a party started on the train.  They got in a battle with the staff of Amtrak and were removed in Fresno.  It is strange not to see an engine at the front of the train.  I’m sure there was one, probably at the back, but it was weird!

Here are two pictures of Conner with his Daddy (my grandson Billy and his mommy (my granddaughter-in-law Meagan). It is so clear how loved he is, also by extended family. 

Here is a blog called IT's OKAY TO DIE.  It is worth reading.

http://www.oktodie.com/blog/we-signed-4-dnr-orders-this-month-and-youre-telling-me-you-did-cpr-on-her-by-monica-williams-murphy-md/

I was asked to write up something for HOW (Helping One Woman). I get this honor in January and I am very thankful and pleased. This is the write up I provided them:  

In December of 1999 I found a lump in my left breast while visiting my daughter and her family in Texas. As soon as my husband Paul and I returned home, I called my doctor to inform him. He referred me for tests. I could tell after the mammogram that they were worried and another test was ordered. The doctor called the next day said I had to see a surgeon the next day for a biopsy. I thought I could handle this myself so I went alone. Probably not a good idea. I had a biopsy of the tumor in my left breast but the needle missed the tumor and I was asked to do it again. They still couldn't get a good sample. I didn't want to go through this again and asked if they would just remove it. I was a social worker who worked in hospice, home health and the senior advantage assessment clinic for Kaiser. I had lots of nurse friends who advised me throughout this. They suggested I have a sentinel node biopsy where they inject dye into the tumor to see where it goes. Mine went into my chest and as the surgeon said "we don't crack chests to get the lymph nodes there". So the tumor was removed. Then I was told the cancer was beyond the tumor ( it was a stage II) and I had a modified radical mastectomy at an outpatient clinic (very bad idea) the following week. I was stunned and found I withdrew from others initially. When I started chemotherapy a month later, I couldn't imagine I could feel worse than I did. I had no energy, foods tasted off, anything with a smell was offensive to me. Then I cried all the time and had no idea what I wanted. My husband comforted me as best he could.

About two or three years later I started working at Corcoran State Prison in Mental Health as a Case Manager. We moved to Visalia from Bakersfield so I wouldn't drive so far. I found the staff I worked with incredibly supportive. About four years later my husband became very ill and it turned out to be lung cancer. During this time I felt a lump growing on my neck. Paul's needs were priority then and I couldn't deal with my problems. We knew four months later that Paul was dying. He said he wanted to go back to Bakersfield to be closer to the kids. Five days after returning to Bakersfield and having hospice care for not even twenty four hours Paul died. I had a doctor appointment that day but delayed it one day with all that was going on.
I was a basket case with losing Paul. A girlfriend went with me to see a doctor in Bakersfield. He put rushes on tests and a biopsy because he felt it was not good. I returned to see him a week later with my girlfriend and he said my Cancer had metastasized and was now a stage IV. He said any treatment would be comfort measures only. I had radiation two different cycles to shrink the tumor in my neck. I was told I had the maximum amount of radiation I could have.
Since then, I have had two surgeries removing walnut sized lymph nodes above my right breast and now have a gentle sort of chemo every three weeks for the rest of my life. If it was short term, I'd do other chemos, but not for ever.
How do I cope? I have wonderful family and friends. I have been so fortunate working at Corcoran State Prison and also Substance Abuse Treatment Facility (SATF) Such wonderful people - warm and supportive and if I cried, they didn't panic.
I needed to stop working two years ago due to health issues and officially retired a year ago August.
I take art classes, visit friends and family, go to my Red Hat group, travel when I can and now I have a blog. This last bout with cancer was not supposed to happen, but you can't go by that. Life continually throws you curves and you just have to go with it. So my blog is about how I'm living until I die. I find interesting things I hope will interest people and direct them to it. So if you are interested, go to
racheljerdin.blogspot.com 

This video was made by Michael and Kevin Schmitt for Kevin's school project.  Michael is my son-in-law and Kevin is my grandson. So Kevin had an assignment after studying the Greek gods to come up with his own god. He came up with Dunamis which has the closest meaning of gravity in Greek. Shelley, his mom was also in it and so was Devin, his cousin.   A family effort. Good job!

https://www.facebook.com/shelley.jerdinschmitt/posts/10204846045169472

Thanks for reading this week.  I hope you have a good week and I will see you next Sunday.          Rachel

When My Nephew Was Murdered

About a year and a half after mom died, I got a call from one of my sisters saying "Obie's dead!"  I went into shock. My sister was screaming and crying and I said I would leave right then to be with her.  I think she said he had been shot, but I could hardly retain what I was hearing. I called my dad and said he had to go and be with her since he was closest but I was leaving in a few minutes.  It would take me at least two hours to get there.  My sister was on the outs with my father feeling he was responsible for her staying at a job she hated.  As far as I could tell, there was no basis to it, but reason didn't play a part in this.

I left within fifteen minutes to my sisters home in Los Angeles County. I called my work, Paul, and a couple others also adding I didn't know when I'd be back. 

When I got there, my dad and Kate were trying to comfort her, but she was beyond being comforted.  She told us that Obie had not come home the previous night to Ray's home. Ray was Obie's father.  My sister and Ray were divorced and Obie lived at each home for part of the week.  Ray had called my sister to ask if he was there. She then made multiple calls with no luck finding out what happened.  Early afternoon there was a knock at the door and a police officer was there telling her that her son was shot and killed the night before.  She started screaming at him believing the police had killed him. 

I suggested we all go to Ray's home so everyone could be together. I'm somewhat confused about how we all got there, but we did.  I remember a lot, and yet, there are blanks in other places. Ray was crying and said his sisters were on their way.  They lived in the south of the United States, but I can't recall which state.  Ray is African-American. He lived in a neighborhood in Los Angeles that has a lot of gang violence.  I never thought about it when Ray and my sister were married. I went to their home a lot.  I never felt threatened.  Ray was a good person and a great father.  My dad, Kate and I were trying to be support to others, though we were having a hard time also. 

Obie was a senior in high school doing very well.  He had plans to go on to college.  He was 17 and a big kid.  He came from families that spoke up for people being mistreated and tended to be soft spoken. 

We heard that a flyer was passed around at the high school that there was going to be a party at someone's apartment on a Friday night.  Obie did not tell either of his parents about this but he went.  There was a much smaller boy who was being bullied at the party and Obie stepped in between them to stop it.  The word was that the bully challenged Obie and they went out to the street.  It made sense to me he would speak up for someone who was being bullied.  I have no idea what was exchanged except for the bullet which killed Obie. 

Police were called and Obie's body was taken to the morgue where they immediately did an autopsy.  I know this because my sister wanted me to read the report and give her a synopsis.  Of course, her biggest concern at this point was if Obie suffered.  It appeared he died immediately from his injuries. They knew who he was because he had ID on him. The one doing the autopsy thought he was maybe 22, but the officer told him he was 17 by his ID.  They also took his corneas for transplant.  I found this upsetting.  First, they had his ID and didn't contact family until the next day and I thought they had to ask for permission to harvest anything from someone's body, especially a minor. I think the family would have said yes, but I have a hard time with how it was handled.

Ray's sisters showed up hours later from out of state.  They were very warm people and obviously came from a close knit family. I felt so much better when they were there.  We went to the mortuary to make arrangements. They wanted a casket.  The man discussing all this with us was pushing to get them to spend more money in every category playing on their desire to show their love.  I cut him off a couple of times and said that somethings weren't necessary.  No one had money.  I had a credit card.  Ray would be getting money to cover this.  So, I think I put it on my card and Ray paid me later. 

Many of Obie's friends came by.  They heard something had happened, but they were not sure.  It was all so painful.  Obie had taken his mother's car to the party.  It turned out that three of the kids who came were also at the party.  I asked them to take me there so I could retrieve my sister's car.  They did. I asked them where it happened and they showed me. There was much dried blood on the street next to the curb.  I dropped and sat on the curb crying that this could happen to a young person, my nephew, knowing this happens all the time.  I drove the car back looking through tears that refused to stop and the kids followed.

There was a wake and we all went.  Ray couldn't get himself to enter the door to see Obie, but with some urging he did.  He was devastated.  The idea that his son was dead was too much.  At the funeral the next day, the large chapel was filled with kids and adults, white and black and brown.  There were also many of his teachers there. Paul and his son Jerry came.  My sister would not let any of us get close to her, to hug or offer comfort.  It was very painful.

Perhaps Ray's family pulled together after this.  That did not happen with ours.  My sister again would have nothing to do with my dad but he attempted several times to reach out.  My other sister called me at Paul's home to yell at me for something I did.  I didn't want my sister to have the keys to the car because she had been drinking heavily and I saw it as dangerous.  My other sister saw it as controlling.  As soon as I got off the phone I ran to the bathroom where I vomited. When I came out, Paul and his oldest son Jeff were staring at me.  I  said I was feeling sick.  Paul said he thought it was a result of the argument with my sister.  I was rather shocked because I really hadn't thought of it that way, but him putting it in words made it obvious.

My sister has rarely been willing to talk about it.  Even though she has been told by others later about what happened and then told me who had killed Obie and said that that kid was later killed, she forgets this and gives money to people to investigate his murder who are glad to take it but I don't believe anything more has been done or found out.  She doesn't trust most people and is continually looking for answers.

For myself, I have had to let it go.  I cannot handle being in distress all the time.  I've found that if people do not want your support, it does not help to give it.  I used to talk with my dad when he was alive.  I spoke with Paul.  Mainly, I spoke with friends. I did go to a bereavement support group for a while.  I needed more support than I could get around me at the time.  At the support group I was struck with the horrible experiences others were having too.  One woman's ex-husband came over killing all their children and then himself. Absolutely too much!  I couldn't go back. I couldn't bear to hear more of her story and I didn't feel mine was worth sharing after that. Not rational, but there it is.

I don't think I handled all of this right (if there is a right way).  I'm just sharing what I recall happened and how I felt at the time.  I also think as we live, get older we have more experiences with death and dying, that in sharing this it could help someone else.  I can say that in the writing of this, it helps me.

I read this article on Invisible Illness- Maintaining Hope.  Though not related to the above, I wanted to pass it on to anyone who deals with a chronic illness that others cannot see and therefore do not acknowledge what limitations you have:

    http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5567132?utm_hp_ref=tw

This has become an expensive week. I had a headlight go out when I was visiting my friend Martha near Visalia. So I knew it wouldn't be cheap, but with other issues added it became very expensive!  And then a letter from Social Security Administration came stating they over paid me when I was getting widow's benefits and that I owe them about $10,000. Ugh. I had spoken with the worker on the phone when I initially applied and she made it clear it wouldn't be a problem until I was getting state retirement, so I applied and then when the state retirement started, it changed to regular retirement. Very confusing, but I thought I had done it all correctly. I was getting disability from the state, but I was told that wasn't an issue.  Not sure exactly how I'll handle this, but I'll first check  if I really did misunderstand this issue. I will be able to deal with it, but it does cause problems.

I had a great intro class to Acrylics with Toni Lott. I still need to put in more grass, but I was meeting Janet at Mexicali's and needed to leave. Below is that picture.

Seagull on Tree stump done in acrylic

I finally started gathering all the guides, pictures I've taken, practice sheets and started putting them in 3-ring binders. It's a relief because I spend too much time looking for what I need. It's a good feeling. Also my study is looking much neater that I like being in there now.

I met with Barbara Long yesterday.  We went to the Tofu House, a Korean restaurant for dinner. They make very tasty food and have a lot of it.  We then saw The Giver. Both of us enjoyed it. Interesting concept.

Today I had a late breakfast with Valerie at the Black Bear Dinner.  The food was fine and they had vegetarian options.   She is back to teaching. She does a lot of work outside regular work hours, so it is special to see her during this time.  She put up Annemarie's  painting of the sun, done in acrylics after we ate. Below is a closeup and a shot further away.

Annemarie  Stokes's picture is the one on the right done in acrylics

Picture on my patio

Here is my most recent picture of Conner with his mom Meaghan, my granddaughter-in-law.

My wrist, hand and arm are coming along. Less pain every day. I have a bruise on my elbow which has been there since it happened. Next time I see Dr. Wong, I'll ask him about it. I haven't gotten a call from the therapist and I'll call her this next week to see if she got anything from Kaiser Permanente.  I was hoping to get a session in before heading back east to see my brother and my friend Lynn to know what I could be working on.  If not, I'll improvise. As Dr. Wong said, if you are limited in how much you can move a certain way, that's where you can work on to increase mobility.

That's it for the week. Hope to see you next Sunday.        Rachel