Helping One Woman Dinner was a Total Success!

Wow!  I loved the Helping One Woman dinner at the Marriott In Visalia. It was for me and there were maybe 60 people there. I knew so many of them from different times I worked. Of my family my grandson Billy Lane (father of my great grandson Conner), Stephanie Jerdin my daughter-in-law and her daughter, my grand-daughter Meghan Jerdin were there.   The setting and the food were great. There were great vendors, women sharing their businesses with us. I gave a short talk about what I've learned going through this which ended up being good.  One comment many people said to me was that it was fun attaching faces to the names they had read in my blog.   There were many pictures and I selected a few of them.

Deanna (from Central Valley Life & Style with Deanna) and me

Martha Hense (who was there for me when Paul died
and lets me stay at he home when I'm in Visalia) and me

Mike and Marykay Feit (Mike helped me set up blog and
Marykay is a longtime friend and top notch artist) and me

Billy Lane (father of Conner) and my very good friend Barbara Long

Susan Ackermann Price (my friend who is so sweet and makes a t
errific breakfast)

My daughter-in-law Stephanie Jerdin and her daughter Meghan Jerdin
(who have so much going on and still took time to come up for this event - thank you!)

There was a woman there, Margie Van Veen Smith who puts together books (among other things) from the photos and write-ups you do on your computer. In the end, she puts it on good quality paper in a bound book which you can give to people. I'm thinking about this for family and close friends upon my death. She offers guidance along the way by phone.  Her site is www.cmyphotobook.com, her email address is mdutchgirl@hotmail.com or call her at 559-618-0555.  Of course, it isn't just for end of life, but that is why I'd be interested. 

As a result of talking at the Helping One Woman dinner I got an invitation to speak at a fundraiser on March 7 for Avon's fundraiser regarding breast cancer at the Lamp Liter Inn in Visalia  (3300 W. Mineral King) The cost for a lunch ticket is $25. There will also be auctions and drawings for some great items like a homemade quilt and a weekend getaway in the small town of Oakhurst (It is 14 miles south of the entrance to Yosemite National Park in the foothills).   If you are interested in a lunch ticket, call Carol Nava at 559-967-0914.  My daughter Shelley Schmitt will go with me.  Maybe I can talk a couple of girlfriends from Bakersfield to join us. 

Several of us went up to my room to continue talking. It was all wonderful. I got a suite so my friend Barbara Long and my grandson Billy Lane could be with me. Nice suite, but really too expensive for me.  It didn't used to be so expensive.  I would say even a single room almost doubled in price from what I used to be charged. 

The next day, we hit Main Street which was lots of fun. I had in mind particular stores I wanted to go to while visiting Visalia.  We went to Pacific Treasures and Gourmet - it has kitchen supplies and many other fun things - premium quality. Another place I really enjoyed was p.s. i love you too. What a great little store. Many things would be great gifts for weddings and various showers. But it is broader than that. You'll love it.  Say "Hi" to the owner Mary Beth, a lovely woman  No time to go to Brown's Shoe Fit Company. What I like about it is that my feet are wide, I have high arch and instep and thick ankles.   I have told people I have Platypus feet (not quite though).  I'm always looking for shoes that are sensible but also look good. I do well here. It is costly, but they have annual and semiannual sales. We also went to The Discovery Shop for The American Cancer Society. Now here the items are in very good shape and the prices are right.  There is also an excellent one in Bakersfield, actually a little larger.  Keep in mind that many of these stores are not open on Sunday or have limited hours.    Check ahead of time.    

My grandson Billy was a sweetheart. When I told him I didn't write a speech, he said "Speak from the heart grandma, speak from the heart," putting his fist to his heart.  He works a night shift and took it off so he could go with me for some "bonding time" as he described it and that is what it was. 

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So my art class with Carol Bradshaw started up again. Wayne and I are the regulars. While I did no watercolor painting since we last met,Wayne brought a beautiful painting of an old Japanese boat with nets and poles from the dock with mountains in the background. Now he did it from a picture, but I was so impressed with what he did. What talent!   I'm still working on my picture, another hot air balloon using different colors for red, blue and yellow..

I went to have chemo and I'm waiting to be called. This man comes up to me and hands me the sheet you give to the nurse. I look down at it and see his name on it. I say "This isn't mine."  He snatches it away. On the other side of the end table is his wife and in a very general sort of way, we look alike. That was a good laugh for all of us.   When I left after treatment I noted that it was very light in patients that day, which is usually not the case. My nurse said "shhhh!"  Yup. Like I've noticed. We've all gotten into magical thinking!  If only that really worked!

I read a book recommended by Carol Nava who is a vendor for Avon at the Helping One Woman dinner. Very funny and I identified  with a lot of it. It is Bald Sweaty Bitch With One Tit: A Memoir,  A Pink Ribbon Journey by Jane Kay Cisneros.   I downloaded it to my Kindle.  I recommend you read it if you haven't.  The more I read about others’ experiences, I'm struck by how universal a lot of our responses and feelings are. 

Yesterday I cooked up a pot of pinto beans after rinsing and soaking them for over a day.  I thought this would help in cutting down the gas.  It is really good that I live alone!  The beans are really tasty, so I think I just will spend more time alone on those days after eating.

Today Barbara and I are going to another Bakersfield Community Concert.  This one is Alex Depue with Miguel Dehoyes.  As I've said, all of the concerts have been great and a good deal for $80 for the season (8 performances).  If you bought them individually, they are $40 each.  This is the 5th one.  If you are interested in getting a season pass, let me know and I will give you the information to do this.

I want to correct an error from last week.  I told you about this wonderful Indian Restaurant in town.  I had the name wrong.  It is called Zaika Indian Cuisine.  They really are excellent and whether you eat meat or not, you will love the choices and the dishes they serve.  They also have a full bar.  Their address is 5123 Ming Avenue in Bakersfield.  If you want to make a reservation, call 661-836-0100  If you go to their web site you can see the whole menu.   www.zaikaindiancuisine.com.

This is a very good description of the feeling of grief from The Grief Toolbox by Bonnie Borel.  I always described it as a roller coaster with the ups and downs. This one is more complete. 

http://thegrieftoolbox.com/article/howdoesonedescribegrief

Here is something to consider when facing your fears. I did this. I have found the more I deal with fear, the less I'm overwhelmed by it. 

 

CONNER, my great grandson loves standing. He can walk when holding on to something. 

This has been a very busy week.  I'll be seeing my primary doctor this next week about some medical issues I've been having. I stalled seeing her in case this took some time to deal with.  I'll let you know how it goes.  Have a good week and I'll see you next Sunday!     Rachel

Preparing for Helping One Woman

So I have gotten some negative responses for writing a blog. Some have felt it was like hanging out your dirty laundry. Some people feel that talking about death and dying is something that leads to dying, like I am making it happen. There are many other reasons given of why it is a bad idea. 

Let me tell you why I think it is a good idea.  This has allowed me to sort through my feelings about all these problems I have gone through.  I have  worked on my anxiety about dying. What does this do?  It allows me to live my life as fully as I can now. I took care of financial, legal and medical forms so it is behind me. Then it has allowed me to talk with family and friends, because I need people to talk to.  Many of them have questions about where I'm at to satisfy curiosity and concerns they have.  It has also helped me with grieving over all those people I love who've died. 

When we are young, we have our parents to help us with concerns and questions about what we have to learn to grow. We have people who have gone through things we haven't gotten through yet.  They give us guidance.  Well, the same thing  happens later in life. We have experiences but probably don't have many who have gone before us who are able or willing to share. I'm willing to share. This is what we are all going to go through, but our American culture seems to hide death and dying. Once upon a time extended families lived in the same home and death was seen as a part of life.  We were around it. We talked about it.  We supported each other. 

When my friend Janet and I went to dinner this last week (this time at Macaroni Grill), I was sharing with her some of these thoughts, what I want to bring up at the Helping One Woman dinner this Tuesday.  I was sharing how I have been feeling better.  She didn't like that word because it makes it seem that I was doing badly in the beginning instead of experiencing normal grieving.   Her husband died, so she can relate to my feelings.  She didn't like the comparison of good and bad. I didn't see it quite the same way.  I feel calmer and I can talk about it now.  Then I was in pain, both mentally and physically when I lost Paul.  I'm not devastated thinking about him now, though I do miss him.  It is a process.  There is no way to speed this up and to avoid those feelings does not make it go away.  By the way, I can still get choked up at times talking about these people I have lost, but really, I am doing so much better.  I don't want to be wiped out all the time.  So I look at it as growing, working out my feelings.

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The concert last Sunday for the Bakersfield Community Concert Association was changed. The group that was to come disbanded. The group that played, George Kahn Jazz and Blues Revue, was a terrific group!  Perhaps the other group would have been wonderful, but this was no loss. It included three women jazz vocalists. They sang Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holliday, Etta Jones and The Andrew Sisters. The band itself was real quality. I used to play bass in a dance band in high school and college until I changed my major to Social Work. It brought back wonderful memories of when I played.  What a different like I had!

I got a call back from Kaiser Foundation informing me they resolved  the billing issue. I'm sure glad about that. It is really hard when you are dealing with health issues to also deal with financial issues. I think it would be good if there were people who could help us in dealing with this. Though I handled this okay, in the past I have fallen apart crying and feeling so overwhelmed I didn't feel I had a clue as to what to do. 

My granddaughter Kayla wanted her hair color touched up which was near The Westchester Bowling Alley. They make the best fish and chips in town. So we enjoyed talking. She was going to the prom with a girlfriend this weekend. 

I finished the first book of The Maze Runner. My granddaughter Kayla hasn't started yet. I want to read these books so we can talk about them. She had brought up the last time we went out after she saw Mockingjay that she heard this was going to happen to us. We discussed how stories are written in different ways to describe relationships in different ways. I was talking to my friend Barbara about it then. This is an allegory. The problem was how to explain this to her. Anyway, I would rather be around to talk about what she reads and sees so we can talk about it, than say no (not that it is my place to say yes or now).  Saying no does not stop people from what they are going to do and great talks can be had if we are more open.  I have friends who think this is a terrible movie to let kids see.  I'm just going to be there to discuss these movies and books.

My grandson Billy and his wife Meagan invited me to lunch along with her mother Dainette and two of their children Conner and Coco. It was so nice to see them that we will attempt to get together once a month. Billy and Meagan paid. I really appreciated that. 

Barbara and I found another Indian restaurant on the west side of town called Kaika on Ming Avenue.  Very good!  The food was outstanding.  They had a huge variety and we went with the vegetarian.  The ambiance was very pleasant.  Lovely setting and the music was perfect.  I know we will go back.

Great video!  What are your priorities?

https://www.facebook.com/yvonne.love.963/posts/10153012552240692

Daisy found a way to trap The Cat's Meow. But she figured out after a bit she could chase it if she got off it.

I love my kitties. Daisy likes to drape herself on me. Pepper is the poser. 

Daisy loves to drape herself over me!

                                                                      

Pepper will pose until I pet her!

Conner continues to grow. He is a big kid for his age.  

Conner has very long legs!

 

I will speak at the Helping One Woman's dinner.  I'm honored to be selected and will keep it to five minutes.  I've learned a lot through this journey and I know many people who come to the dinner have the same or similar experiences.  I just want to give voice to it.

My art class with Carol Bradshaw starts up again.  She has been off several weeks recovering from surgery.  I haven't been working on my art, so her coming back will get me in the groove.  I'll share what I work on.  We are doing watercolor now.  

So that is it for the week.  Next week is very full!  See you next Sunday!         Rachel

 

How Do We Learn About Grieving?

When I used to work in hospice, I noticed that people had a lot in common. In our society we focus on how we are different.  There are pluses in differences. We are unique. But it can also make you feel alone. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I was very frightened.  I focused on me going through this alone.  I couldn't imagine anyone else hurting like me. I really didn't want to hear about other people's experience.  I was completely self-absorbed.   As a result, I hurt a lot more than I had to. 

The problem with that was I missed a lot of support I needed. When I saw patients and families, they were sharing the same thoughts and feelings I was having.  As I noticed this, I would share what they had shared with me and what I saw. Then people would ask me how did I know that about them. I told them I didn't.  I felt like this and other people shared the same things I was feeling. It was a real eye opener for me. The more I shared, the more others shared with me. We had a lot in common.  That helped me to cope better.

As much as I would have liked me to be that insightful then, I don't think I could have been. I've become aware that the learning curve takes life experiences and then work. There are experiences we need to  have before we have that insight.   It was later when I was told there was nothing more that they could do that I looked at this differently.  I made myself think about my death, my dying.  Of course, many people saw this as negative and not helpful.  They were wrong.  It helped me break through the barrier of fear that kept me from living my life the way I wanted to.

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I got a knock on my door after seven in the evening.  I didn't have the front light on and the knock was loud.  I was nervous about checking but sometimes my kids and grandkids stop by.  I  turn on the outside light and look through the high window in the door.  There is my neighbor Dianne who helped me when I got locked out of my house in my pajamas.  She was locked out of her house.  No one else has a key and she put sticks in all the windows.  So she used the phone and called her handyman.  He came about ten minutes later.  I used the opportunity to give her my key and we talked outside (the weather was mild) because she wanted to watch for him.  Her husband died five years ago and she finds the holidays a bad time for her.  I told her I don't try to do it like I did before, but I also prefer the holidays to be over.  So we came full circle.  She helped me and I finally had a chance to help her.

This was my last week of occupational therapy. I learned a lot and I have improved.  It is not all better.  I have better mobility and less pain. My therapist Linda Mather said the other changes are slow going and I will note these moves  at the year and two year anniversary.  What I do understand finally is use it or lose it.  I will always have to deliberately exercise it or I will do much less.

So I'm dealing with a bill from Dignity Health, the same one as before.  Kaiser paid $15.14 of a $302.00 bill.  Being transferred to many departments and being placed on hold is time consuming.  Thank goodness for a phone I can carry around and the ability to put it on speaker phone.  I can also get on my computer while doing this.  We couldn't do this in the past.  It took 25 minutes to get to the person who told me what to do.  She said to photocopy the bill and send it to them and they will attempt to work out the problem of how Dignity Health bills me.  Each visit I am charged $10 (lucky me!) under my Kaiser plan.  It could take another month to see if this is worked out.

Our Red Hat dinner was held in the Belvedere Room at the Padre Hotel.  I always love meeting with this group.  We had a wonderful surprise in that Stephanie McGuffey came after a long absence.  She looked great and said she would be a regular again.  Stephanie used to be the head of a home health and hospice I worked for.  She later noted I liked red wine and offered to Paul and me to join her for a dinner group that met once a month at each other's homes.  That was fabulous.  The problem for me was after Paul died,  I couldn't handle being in a couples group.  It made me too aware of what I had lost.  Anyway, it was wonderful seeing her again.  She suggested we come to Tehachapi (in the mountains) for one of our dinners and have a sleep over at her home rather than driving back down the mountain.  I would love that.  I met with her and Pamela Beane after the dinner in the bar to do some catching up. What a wonderful evening!

My great-grandson is nine months old. It is fascinating watching him gain skills and figure things out. Lots of fun. He is a well loved kid and it is obvious by the look on his face. 

Happy Conner at Nine Months Old

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One mother who lost her child through a stillbirth submitted this to the The Grief Toolbox -   thegrieftoolbox.com/ .   She states the needs well of those of us who grieve.    Her loss is a stillbirth, which is as painful as all other losses. 

How to help a friend who is grieving.  

Submitted by  letterstoleia    

I am not one to reach out to people for help, ever.  I am the person people come to when they need help.  I’ve always been the go – to person.  Suddenly, I found myself at the other end and I could not ask for help.

There is so much you can do to help someone who has experienced a loss.  For me, delivering our daughter stillborn has been the most horrific thing I’ve ever faced

There were lots of people who did come forward, and surprised us.  We did get cards in the mail, flowers and gift cards.  A friend sent an angel with Leia’s birth month on it; another had a porcelain angel made in the likeness of her. These things mattered to us. 

I will never forget those people. To be honest, I remember thinking that more people should be with me.  There were no invites to suppers, no random stop in’s to check on us, no phone calls, and nobody brought food.  For some reason it had always been instilled in me to bring food when there was a death. 

Living in the age of social media, I guess is to blame.  It is easier to shoot off a text, tweet or Facebook message then to actually reach out in person.  Most of our friends and family doesn’t live here to be fair, but still.

I’ve never been one to mince words so I’m not going to start now.  If you want to help me (yes I still need help six months later), here are a few things you can do.  If you are reading this, and you have a friend/family member who is going through a tragedy of their own take notes.  People might not want to admit they need help. 

• Ask questions about the child or baby
• Send a card – flowers are nice but sometimes painful to watch them die
• Drop off food, groceries or a care package
• Buy them a gift – something that will remind them of the child/baby
• Never stop asking how they are.  Keep the emails, tweets, calls coming
• Ask them over for supper or lunch
• Give money – funerals are expensive (even baby one’s) - time off work means no pay either
• Remember the anniversary’s and holidays (especially Christmas – fathers/mother’s day)
• Don’t try to offer words of advice or compare your pet dying to their loss
• Invite them to the movies  or over for a movie night (maybe not right away but in the coming Months)
• Ask how the father is and mean it
• Never assume anything
• If there are other living children offer to take them out
• Listen!

You can reach her at letterstoleia@yahoo.com    She is the mother to Leia Sky "who was born sleeping October 6, 2011."  It started as an online journal for Leia.

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My granddaughter Cassadie is blogging about clothes for college students.  This is her last year at college.  I know she will do well!  Here is the link to her blog:

My Beautiful Granddaughter Cassadie Jerdin

Cassadie Jerdin in the College Fashionista Blog

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Today my friend Barbara and I are going to another Bakersfield Community Concert program and we will go to Rosa's afterwards.  The group is Harmonies Girl's Choir.  I don't know much about it but it has rave reviews as do all the programs the Bakersfield Community Concert series has.

That's it for the week.  Life is going well.  I hope the same for you and I will see you next Sunday.     Rachel

The Start of a New Year

So seeing everybody posting about the weather and the temperature where they live, maybe our weather was temperate, in a relative sort of way.

Kayla didn't get the books I got her at Christmas.  I found them in my trunk and let her know I had them. I suggested lunch at Loma Linda and while there, we decided to go to The Outlets at Tejon. We invited Devin, but he didn't have dry clothes to wear and was still in the shower when we went to pick him up.  We'll go another day when the weather is pleasant and will eat lunch there so Devin can join us then.    It had been raining all day and was in the high 30's to the low 40's.  Kayla wore a hoodie sweatshirt and refused to take an umbrella. I wore an oversized raincoat almost to my feet, heavy socks, a wool scarf, cap and umbrella - it shows you the difference in age. She looked cute, but was miserable. I looked substantial but was comfortably warm and dry. The rain stopped when we got back to Bakersfield. I don't know if there are any great deals at the outlets.   It was attractive, but we walked outside to go to each store. The cold rainy weather made an indoor mall seem much more appealing.  We saw a dusting of snow on the low foothills, but there was a traffic sign warning of snow on the summit. Since most of us Californians have little experience with driving in the snow, I was really glad we weren't going that way.

Shelley made me a beautiful picture (a stained glass look) for Christmas. It is beautiful. I put it on my back sliding door to the patio. I love it!   She used a black foam cutting it with an exacto knife and gluing the tissue paper on with rubber cement. 

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This picture was taken in the evening

This picture taken during the day

New Years Eve Day, I had chemo first thing in the morning. Afterwards,  I had Occupational Therapy. I bought a few snacks for the rest of the day and evening. I made myself an Irish Coffee. It seemed fitting with it being so cold, a low of 30 and a high of 45. I decided to read. I had gotten my granddaughter books she was interested in so I started The Maze Runner to understand what she was interested in. I settled into bed with layers of blankets, several pillows and my book. This is really appealing to me.   Lots of fireworks set off at midnight and/or maybe gunshots.   The gunshots are scary to me.   My kitties stayed on the bed and didn't get rattled from all the banging.  

I woke up New Years Day morning to Pepper cleaning one  spot on my scalp. When I thought she was about to remove skin I got up, made coffee and checked posts. As I looked down I realize my pajama top is on backwards. The back is at the front!  Who does this?!  It doesn't even feel right!  Then I remember a couple of months back ( so it isn't from eating), that my underwear felt sooo tight.  I'm thinking I have put on an incredible amount  of weight over night.  It turned out I was wearing my hipster underwear with one leg at the waist. No wonder it was too tight!  Ugh!  I know I've done things like this before, but I wonder if it is more often.  At least when I notice it, I know it isn't what should be!

So on New Years Day Barbara and I ate at the Kabob House on White Lane. They have many meat dishes, but we were wanting non-meat. We shared a plate of rice and grilled vegetables. We also got four appetizers -Dolmades, eggplant dip, hummus and cucumber with yoghurt and pita bread. It was more than enough though we both were quite hungry. They also had a Greek salad and another salad of tomatoes, cucumber and onion that we did not get. It was all DELICIOUS!  This is a Persian restaurant.  It was informal, tastier and healthier than any fast food by far. There is no alcohol. Don't let that stop you if you drink. Go to the bar at the Mexican restaurant next door afterwards or before. It was fabulous food. We didn't limit ourselves and it came to $25 for both of us. This was lunch. Dinner would be more expensive and the serving would be larger.   As we were leaving, we noted a new market called Fresh Foods International Marketplace.   It is a market that has some of the things that any market would have, but also foods that are not typical here.  Great bakery, fish and meat, fresh foods, frozen and canned of other nationalities.  Having traveled, I love this!  They have Turkish Delight!  You can find them on line at   www.freshfoodsmarkets.com    Here is the address, phone and hours.  The market was closed New Years Day.

4800 White Lane 
Bakersfield 
CA 93309 
Tel : (661) 836-8090
Store Hours : 7 Days a Week.9 am - 9 pm

We then went to The Maya and saw Wild. I loved it. Actually I was getting hysterical when our heroine was trying to put on her backpack which was really heavy. I could see me doing this.  It was hard to control laughing.  It finally broke through. I always think I need more than I do. My friend Barbara and I were laughing afterwards at the main character trying to light her stove and set up her tent. We had similar problems when we were camping. If language or sexual situations are a problem to see on the big screen, you may not like it.  She was responding to the loss of her mom and this three month hike was a coming to terms with the loss of her mom and thinking about what was important to her.  I don't think I would have been brave enough to do this hike as a woman alone (it's based on a true story).  But, I felt a connection because of her loss and coming to terms with it.  As Kate (my step-mom)  and I talked about it, unless someone has gone through this, they would not understand it the same way as actually going through it, though empathy goes a long way! 

I sent a text message to my brother-in-law Brian, my husband's brother, wishing him a happy birthday. He called back. It has been a long time since we spoke. So he will come for a weekend in February. I passed the word to local family. Maybe we'll do a barbecue.  I really look forward to seeing him. 

And, a young woman Ambure contacted me on Facebook. She wanted to know how we were related. I told her I was an in-law, married to her grandmother's brother. I gave her information on my memories of her grandmother and about my husband.  Brian said he would call her the next day. I let Shelley know so she could call Ambure also. 

Went to lunch with Barbara, Jacquie and her daughter Debra to Fresh Choice Noodle Bar. We all got different dishes and all of us loved what we got.  Then we saw Into The Woods. It was a good musical. Enjoyed it very much. I saw this musical done locally a few months ago at The Empty Space. That was very good too. 

I got a toy for my cats called Cat's Meow. This was the first day I had it up and they were quite curious about it.

Daisy and Pepper playing with the Cat's Meow

Though the holidays were fine, I'm glad they're over. I feel there is pressure to be happy. And though I really felt fine, I don't want the pressure.  What if I blow it?   I'm not sure what that would mean for me, but it is hard to know what people want and I also worry if it is enough.  Plus, I think it is too costly, though I do agree with giving books.  If we could just get together for a great meal and the company. That is what I like. 

Here is a  picture of my great-grandson Conner. He was just diagnosed with asthma. His parents were told this will be a life long issue for Conner.   This of course causes anxiety, but they have insurance and there is treatment available.

Conner has a great smile!

Barbara Long's mother died a year ago today.  I know anniversaries of the death of someone we love is painful.  The getting together with friends, lunch and movie helped yesterday.  I want her to know I'm thinking of her today.

That is it this week.  I'm reading about personal essays and sharing thoughts because I would like to do more of that and less of the diary.  Anyone have thoughts on this, I would appreciate it.  I will tell you that if I didn't do this as a blog, I would probably find excuses not to write.  I think the writing has been very helpful to me.  I would like to make it more helpful to you.  I'm also working on what I want to share at Helping One Woman on January 20th.  That will definitely be more about my thoughts about what I'm going through and what I have learned in going through this.  See you next Sunday.            Rachel