Dealing with Deaths and the Anniversary of Deaths

Here are the top five regrets of the dying. I think most have to do it this way.  We are in a particular place that allows us to look at life differently than when death is not on our mind as imminently.  It doesn't make sense to be thinking about death and dying when you are young and have other experiences necessary for life. 

http://upliftconnect.com/regrets-of-the-dying/

This week was the anniversary of Paul's and my marriage. It wasn't too bad because I was busy that day in a good way.  I feel for my friend Vicki who is grieving the loss of her husband the previous week.  It is very painful. I find it best to acknowledge the pain and get the support I need. Her pain makes me feel tears when I think of all the people who have been so important to us who are no longer here.  

At art class Carol was showing me how to show water around rocks.  I worked on a waterfall.  It is so interesting watching how she does it.   I will continue working on picture with rocks and water. 

Three Level Waterfall

More Detail on Rocks

Barbara and I went to see Jason Coleman, the grandson of Floyd Cramer through the Bakersfield Concert Association.   He played his music in the style of his grandfather which included the "slip note", which was a unique, distinctive touch his grandfather used. Here is a recent picture of Jason and a picture of Floyd Cramer with Jason when he was a child.  This was a good concert.  He was here two years ago and was well received then. 

Jason Coleman

Jason with his Grandfather Floyd Cramer

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

The Bakersfield Concert Association will move their concerts to Harvey Auditorium.  They will be at 2:30 on Sunday's so people will be able to get home before dark if they desire. There will be 5 concerts this next season and the cost will be $75 if you buy a season ticket. Otherwise it is $35 per concert. Of course it is a great deal when you buy the series and doing it in the afternoon makes it so much better for people who cannot handle late evenings.  I really look forward to it. 

We went to a Chinese restaurant called Ching Yen on Columbus. Barbara is vegan and they are willing to make her vegan dishes which are delicious. The owner also gave us cups of tea she makes for herself which had ginger as the base. Very good!  This restaurant consistently gets high ratings!

I had chemotherapy this week. Recently, I have been hearing my heart beat when I lie down to sleep.  There is a squeakiness when it beats.  My nurse told me to contact my primary doctor to see if something needs to be done.  So I will see her the first week in May. And, I will have a MUGA scan tomorrow which measures the flow of blood through my heart.  I also am feeling tired again like I had experienced before. Maybe they are related.  I feel I could sleep a lot!

My friend Janet also is grieving the loss of her husband four years ago. It doesn't feel that long ago. I invited Janet over for a lamb stew dinner over noodles with a unique coleslaw and pears poached in wine for dessert.  She stayed overnight because today is the anniversary of Ron's death. The anniversary of Paul's death is at the end of the month. 

As usual, I made way too much food.  The lamb stew was very good. Janet and I read the directions of the Instant Pot I bought through Amazon.  What is interesting with this food appliance is that it does so many cooking functions like sauté, slow cook and steam. So we sautéed and then used the pressure cooker element for 15 minutes. It had few ingredients and turned out very tasty and tender. I got it because my friend Barbara got one and she cooks beans and vegan soups and stews in just minutes which are very tasty.  

So we were too full and cooked up the pears in the morning. Delicious!  Then we went to the cemetery to visit Ron's grave. I'll be back to visit Paul in a couple of weeks which is near Ron. It will be the 9th anniversary of his death. It seems hard to believe it was that long ago.  In many ways it feels almost like yesterday though I am not as emotionally wiped out as when it happened. 

My refrigerator has gone out of whack.  It started yesterday making a grinding noise and then continuing to emit a loud buzz. It might be time to get another refrigerator, though I remember when these appliances lasted years and years and years. It is too bad they don't make them to last like they used to.  But, I think that is intentional to keep us regular customers. 

So April is rough but it is leveled out with the birthday of my step-mother Kate and my brother Ben, who are two people very important to me. Kate and I went in together to send Ben tamales. Ben loves Mexican food. When he comes out here to visit, he can go to a Mexican restaurant at every meal and he would not tire of it.  Kate and i will get together at the beginning of May. We always have a good visit so I look forward to it.  I also try to be involved in activities to keep the tough times in perspective. I could not have possibly done this when Paul died as my friends couldn't either at the time of their husbands' deaths.  It is just too close and painful. As time goes on, we integrate these deaths into who we are and it is not the same acute pain as when it just happened. 

Here are a couple more photographs of our trip to The Tejon Ranch Conservancy. The first one Shelley my daughter took using my iPhone which has a panorama setting and the second I took of a herd of deer that wanted to keep their distance from us. 

So that is my week. I hope your week went well and I will see you next Sunday. 

Breaking Out of the Fog - My Friend Janet is Coming Around

I worked on the head of a horse.  The same one as last week, but I think this one is better.  When I was visiting my step-mom Kate who is an artist, made some recommendations and copied some pages to help me in the sketching.  It helped.  My teacher Carol had surgery and is getting physical therapy.  She is communicating with us by email and wants to hear of our progress until she gets back in mid March.  I'll send her this.

My horse improved!

Barbara, Janet and I went to a wonderful concert put on by the Bakersfield Concert Association. The group was the Valinor Quartet. There was another violinist this group knew who was in Bakersfield. They asked him to join in with some of the pieces.   This was all instrumental, no singing.  Excellent!  They were an international group which brought the music of their regions to this concert. Their site describes their playing as a unique hybrid of jazz and classical.   These pictures are from their site.  A wonderful group!

While Janet and I went out for dinner, she told me she was thinking about tutoring children in reading. She said "I don't know what happened, but it is like a fog has been lifting."  Her husband Ron died almost four years ago. "I'm bored".  This is good news to hear. She has not been willing to do much, but this year she is going out with Barb and me to the Bakersfield Concert Series which we include going out to eat.   We also went to a concert she had invited me to at Bakersfield College put on by the choir her granddaughter was singing in.   I have also invited her to join my Red Hat group and she finally has agreed to do that and will go to our next one at the Woolgrowers.  She is gradually coming around. She thinks this volunteering to teach children to read  is a commitment of one day a week.  So gradually she is filling her calendar with activities she likes, or at least wants to find out if it is a good match for her.  She also got me a Gwee Gym like she got herself. She is trying to be more active (though she does walk) and is encouraging me to do the same.  It is simple and portable. 

I remember when I was in that fog. When you are in it, it is about impossible seeing yourself feeling better.  It is an experience that someone telling you that you will feel better does not work. We need that time to grieve and each of us are on different timetables. 

There is this wonderful site where a woman reads some great books, shares from them and gives her input.  The site is Brainpickings.org  

When Breath Becomes Air: A Young Neurosurgeon Examines the Meaning of Life as He Faces His Death

The book is by Paul Kalanithi who died in 2013.    The woman who writes Brainpickings.org does a wonderful job of reviewing books.  She does many.  Anyway, I have downloaded this book to my Kindle and I am anxious to read it.  The problem is that I have three books I am in the process of reading and I think I should just wait a bit to give more of my time to this.  Though you can read her material at Brainpickings.org, she would really appreciate a donation, if you are able to.  I say she provides a wonderful service in what she does and she is well worth it.  Tapping on the title above will take you directly to her article.  She also recommends other reading if you liked this book.

Barbara and I went to see  Star Wars: The Force Awakens at the theater at Valley Plaza. They have one theater converted to an IMAX screen and we also received glasses for a 3D movie. The special affects were awesome. It felt like we were in the middle of the scene. Though it isn't the sort of movie I was interested in, I can appreciate all the work that went into making it. 

Afterwards we went for dinner at the Great Castle.  A while back, I had lunch with my friend Vic here which was not up to their standards. Vic made it clear he never wanted to eat there again. Well, I'm glad I returned, because our dinner was excellent and reasonably priced.  I don't believe I would do lunch again though.

My granddaughter Crystal posted more pictures of my great-granddaughter Nylah. She is so cute!

Crystal and Nylah

Crystal and Nylah

Nylah with her Eyes Open!

My great-grandsons Conner and Kason look great. Both are growing like weeds!  They are so obviously well loved.  Their expressions are playful and happy.

Conner

Kason

Kason

Conner

Conner and Kason

I feel so fortunate for the family I have.  It makes it easier to deal with difficult issues when they come up.
So that is it for the week.  All is well here.  I rested a lot.  I don't know if I can bank it or not.  I have some activities happening in the near future.  It would be nice if the rest I had helped for that.  We will see.  I also know that if I take breaks between events, I do a whole lot better.

I hope your week end well and I will see you next Sunday.                          Rachel

Eating and Drawing, Ways to Cope When It Seems So Much is Going On!

Monday night Barbara, Janet and I went to a concert sponsored by the Bakersfield Community Concert Association.  The group was Hits and Grins. They were country western wrote and sang their own songs.  They have written many songs for other musicians that were number one on the charts. They sang well and also played their instruments well.   It was a real pleasure!

Hits and Grins

Excellent Song Writers

Excellent Performers

At my class with Carol, she gave good feedback on my drawings so I'll be working on that this week.  I had the eyes of my cat Pepper different sizes and the pupils off.  I am working on the detail of a deer this week.  

I keep refining Barbara's Dog Patti                                  

My kitty Pepper- Still needs more work on the eyes

Drawing of a Deer.  How do you get the mass and the hair correct?

I went to Martha's home and then we went to the Helping One Woman group in Woodlake which is much closer to Martha's home. I appreciated that it didn't go as long as the one in Visalia. The woman honored this week was Jackie Rojas who is under doctor's care for Hepatitis C and Cirrhosis of the Liver which required a liver transplant in September. The dinner  was held at  the Woodlake Lion's Club.    The food was catered by Charros Mexican Restaurant. It was not Mexican food, but like a great home cooked meal.    The building that was used is being torn down and expanded.  So I don't know where this will be held until this is done.  I sat with my friends Martha and Susan plus a new friend I made, Gloria. We enjoyed talking.   

Jackie Rojas and her husband

Me with my friends Martha, Gloria and Susan

The next morning Susan, Martha and I met for breakfast at the Whistle Stop Cafe in Exeter.   They have a cute electrical train set that runs around the upper wall and over the ceiling of the restaurant. They don't leave it on, so if you want to see it move, you'll have to ask them to turn it on.  The food is good with a great variety of omelettes and other breakfast dishes.

Whistle Stop Cafe with the Train Track and Train

I met with Vic at Tofu House. My feedback on the book he is writing was just in making it flow better. I had a hard time describing this, but he finally got what I was trying to say.   I had a lettuce roll this time and it was delicious, and,  I had enough leftover for anther meal. 

So on my regular get together with Janet at Mexicali's, I told her that my right hip was really hurting these days for the last couple of weeks specifically. I have no idea of an event that could have started this. I told her that I would call to see a doctor about this. She thought since I got shots in my back, they may be able to do the same with my hip. Maybe. I will check into this. We both seemed to have memory issues; she said she would call me when she remembered what she wanted to say.  She thought it was a good point.  For myself, as soon as I remembered I sent her an email. This really stretches out our conversations. Then I told her I was feeling really cold with the change in temperature and it is hard for me to warm up unless I get under the covers. She laughed and said she had the same problem. Then she said, "do you remember how we would go into older people's homes that felt like sweat boxes?"  and likened  it to how we were like them now!  Maybe that is why some family limit their stay  here. Ha ha!

On Saturday, Barbara and I went to see the final movie The Hunger Games, Mockingjay, Part ll.  It didn't follow the book in all areas. Barbara has a great memory and told me where it veered.  I thought the last movie was okay, but I think the first movie of the series was the best. Afterwards we went to an Italian restaurant we like which is close to home-  Rosas.   I had leftovers from my dish of fettuccini and clams in olive oil and garlic. Our waiter suggested serving it with eggs at breakfast. It sounded odd at first to me, but I did add it to scrambled eggs and it was delicious. 

It may not seem like I took breaks, but I slept a lot between events.  I have to build up my energy reserves. Then I do well. I certainly do not have the energy I used to have. It is interesting how I realize I can't do things the same way I used to.  Someone asked a question on Quora.com about coming to terms with getting older. I think you have to go through through it. Perhaps we keep trying to do it like we used to do it, but our bodies scream NOOOO!  Well, if you want to enjoy life you may have to find new ways to do what you were doing or something you.

People here have expressed fear with what the terrorists did in Paris, even though the terrorists have been doing this in other areas too.  I refuse to stop my travels because of terrorist threats. I refuse to live my life in fear, which is what the terrorists want from us. I think my life has been so much fuller, richer because of my travels and meeting people in other cultures.  I have found other people's lifestyles very interesting and as human beings, there is much we have in common.  I believe the United States already has good protections set up for us developed since September 11.  I don't agree with refusing refugees. There are very intricate measures already taken to limit the bad guys coming in. We also have our own homegrown terrorists which have been given a leg up with the support of the NRA.  Why wouldn't we focus on that which has had a major effect on people feeling safe in our country?  It seems very contradictory to me.  Remember that Jewish people were turned away and many of them ended up  dying in Concentration Camps. Remember the Japanese Americans who's properties and businesses were stolen and they were placed in concentration camps in the United States. Most of these people were citizens of the United States and were American patriots. We have done this to Mexicans and other peoples south of the border. We are all immigrants or born of immigrants except for the American Indians.   We did not do this to the Germans which would imply those who look different from us are not worthy of our respect.   It looks like some people need to have someone to look down upon.  This is a land of immigrants.  This makes out country so much more interesting. I would not like us all to be alike. We benefit from the varied cultures in our country. 

Well, that is it for the week.  I hope your week went well.  I will see you next Sunday.  I just noticed that this is my 100th post!      Rachel

Mother's Day Celebration

I ran into a podcast called Laughing with Cancer.  This man Elvis has Leukemia and shares what he and his family are going through. He uses humor which can be a very good coping mechanism. I would know. I use it a lot.  Go to the iTunes Store, then to podcasts. Put Laughing with Cancer in your search. There is no charge and you can listen  or save it for later. 

On Monday was a concert arranged by the Bakersfield Concert Association.  This small brass combo (5 men), called Brass Precidio. They were quite good and used humor teasing each other. My friend Barbara gave me her pass because she would be out of town, so I asked my friend Valerie to go.  We ended up joining two other friends Sherry and Margaret, meeting at a nice Italian restaurant called Uricchio's which is close to the Rabobank Theater where the performance was held. The weather was warm, balmy with a soft breeze. It was a very pleasant evening. 

I had Carol , my art instructor to myself because my fellow student Wayne was helping someone with a big repair job.  Carol was complementary on the amount of work I accomplished.  I want the green around my butterfly to be even  darker, so we mixed colors to see what worked.  For my poppy, we went through the color circles we have made and changed the red to get the right tone. It was a variation on the standard palette.  So this is what I have been working on this week. Way too much happening so I'll do my work on this Monday.  You'll see it next week.

we also had our Red Hat dinner this week at La Costa de Mariscos. The Margarita was good and I had a fajita taco salad. Very tasty.  The gals there were Jo, Dainette, Judi, Claudia, Stephanie, Pamela, Evelyn and myself. Great company as always. Everyone looked good and had a lot going on in their lives. 

I went to the outpatient surgery center for cortisone injections in back between several vertebrae. I have chronic back pain since I slipped and broke my back over two years. That is a compression fracture. This doctor then told me I had four slipping disks above that. He felt that this procedure had a high chance of success and was worth trying it.  It really wasn't too bad.  I did get versed, but very light.  I remember what was going on and things were explained to me.  I felt virtually pain free the next day and didn't take any pain medication when I went to bed.  I woke up a little sore, but not too bad.  I didn't want to take a chance of having more pain when family would be here the next day, so I did take some.   I will have another done three weeks later to hopefully to catch any spots missed the first. 

I also had  dinner with my friend Janet who had a  birthday this week. We met at our old haunt Mexicali's, having Margaritas with tacos and taquitos with fresh guacamole.  It was way more than we could eat.  Both of us have eyes that are much bigger than our stomachs!

I had chemotherapy this week and nothing different occurred during this time.  It was the day after the medical procedure, but it was fine.

The rest of  the week was cleaning, gardening,  shopping and my granddaughter Heather helping me to get ready for Mothers  Day. 

Mother's Day!  What a great day for us mothers though we did the food preparation.  Thomas did the barbecuing- chicken and tri-tip.   Lots of different salads, baked beans and for dessert check collate cream pie and strawberry pie.    It still was nice getting together and taking it easy.  Weather was pleasant, in the mid-eighties.  Good music, my water fountain going and the chimes lightly ringing with the slight breeze. It is all worth it!  Great family gathering!  Everyone so relaxed!  Some of us having Mojitos that Benji made - so refreshing.   My girls here are remembering their mother today who died five years ago.  My daughter Ronda sent me flowers. They were going out to eat with her husband's parents in Illinois.   My granddaughter-in-law is celebrating Mother's Day with my grandson Billy and her family including mothers Dainette and Sharran.
 .  Anyway, all of us are mother's in some way or another by what we do.  We nuture and we are the ones who make our society civilized!  So important for the next generation!  My mother died the day after Mother's Day 24 years ago. It doesn't seem that long at all!  It is periodically rough for me, but I am fortunate to have the family I have!

Kason is filling in  and coming along quite well. He is over six pounds. Conner is doing very well!

Kason, finally over 6 pounds!

Kason is 3 weeks old!

Conner Helping his Mom with Laundry

My garden is growing.  I have some vegetables showing:

I Think This is a Squash

This is Actually Very Little Green Peppers

These are Baby Tomatoes

Early Evening with my Fairy Solar Lights On

That is my week. I hope yours was fine. I look forward to seeing you next Sunday.        Rachel

How Perspective Changes with Time

When I gave that talk in Visalia I said "I have a different view of what I went through now. That was 15 years ago and it was fresh". Yes it was. I was overwhelmed with all of it. I didn't think very clearly, as I have said I was self-absorbed and I was hurting psychologically.  I easily broke into tears.  I felt like the world was going on as if nothing big happened when it did to me.  I realize now I was grieving the loss of what I thought I had- good health. I feared dying. I was amazed at how little control I had over what was happening to me. This by the way was the same way I felt as I was losing people important in my life. Before all this loss I really did feel I was in control of my life and was so struck that there are limits to this.  I thought of myself as strong, knowing what to do, pretty much what to say and then BOOM!  That's over with. I also found myself forever changed and there was no going back. That is true, BUT, the intensity of the change lessens with time and by allowing yourself to grieve.  I am changed by all that I have gone through.  It is now a part of me.  But in the beginning it seemed so stark, so black and white.  Now I see it as more integrated into me that though I am changed, it is more subtle.  I also think the further you get away from pain, the more you will probably return to what you did before, unless you remind yourself about the lessons learned.  Some lessons are worth holding on to like - you can't control it all, you never know what will happen so enjoy yourself when you can, say the important things to people before it is too late.  There are many more.  If you think about it, you'll come up with some.

............................

So the concert through the Bakersfield Concert Series was excellent.  It was Alex Depue playing "fiddle" and Miguel de Hoyes playing guitar.  There was humor and the sound was top notch.  It was a combination of American and Mexican music and beat.  I bought two CD's.  They had four or five for sale.  All of them sold at the concert.  If you are interested,  you can buy the remaining concerts (3 left), you can pay $45.00 for all of them at the next show which is Windsync on Sunday March 1 at 3 pm at the Rabobank Theater.  In addition, there is a pre-concert put on by the kids at local schools.  This one was from College Heights Elementary School which had a full band and a Mariachi band.  They were 5th and 6th graders and two 4th graders.  Very good.  Kudos to the director of the band and all other staff who support them.  It was hard to believe they were only elementary school children!

College Heights Elementary School Mariachi Band, Director in in the back on the right.

Barbara and I went back to Zaikai's and picked some other dishes.  They were great also. Highly recommended for the quality of the food!

I got a call from my bank because of suspected fraudulent use of my credit card. This happens often enough to me!  One charge was at a Target in Brooklyn Nee York.  So I have to destroy my card and they will mail me another one.

I saw my primary doctor after blood tests and urinalysis about several issues. My back can hurt a lot and even take days to calm down when it is particularly bad.   I also have stomach pains but I've had it for years. I'll be having an MRI and an endoscopy to see if anything more is going on.   I'll also have a MUGA scan at the end of the month which determines force of blood through the heart.  That is a concern while taking Herceptin.  I even made an appointment with a optometrist through a Kaiser program.  I don't have to pay for the exam and if anything bigger is happening, they will refer me to an ophthalmologist. The other issues were relatively minor with ideas as to how to deal with it.

While there for my annual appointment, my doctor said she found a lump in her breast and had a lumpectomy.  She will have radiation starting soon. She isn't sure if she will have chemo yet.  Wow!  That was bad. I gave her a hug and said I'd be thinking of her. I wondered out loud why it seemed that cancer was on the rise. She didn't know but said DNA is very fragile.

I found another Mediterranian restaurant in Bakersfield called SKK Mediterranean. This restaurant started in Italy (over 50 of them) and 2 in Canada. This is the first one in the United States. The most expensive item is $10. The plates run $8.  Adding a soda or ice tea runs $1 with the meal. They also give you fresh oranges to put in their juicing machine for a tall glass of orange juice at $3.50. They have three different sauces- hot, magic and garlic, all flavorful. They are in the mini-shopping center at California and Real Road. They have been open since August and are a wonderful addition to our community. It is fresh and healthy!  They are at 3621 California Ave, 661-328-0200. It's casual. There are tables but they probably do more takeout.

My art class with Carol Bradshaw was good as always.  I told her I was feeling intimidated by doing watercolor, but I decided I didn't have anything to lose, so I did work on another hot air balloon.  It isn't quite done.  Also my classmate Wayne Perman has been working on his watercolor.  I mentioned last week what he had done and he gave me permission to share it.  I think his is excellent, but Carol's role is show us what we can do to improve our pictures.  She is always on the money!

My Hot Air Balloon

Wayne Perman's picture of Japanese Fishing Boats and Fishing

Then in class, we each worked on different projects using watercolor again.  I picked boats on water.  The picture is actually pretty big and Carol suggested I break it up doing perhaps three pictures out of the one.  Anyway, here is where I was attempting to have the colors of the boats reflect in the water.  I had started to draw the buildings above, but I'm going to use my lightbox because I cannot make the lines of the buildings straight.

Practicing Reflection in the Water

I met with four of my friends - Sherry, Tina, Etta and Valerie at Sherry's home yesterday.  We each made something for the meal which was quite good.  It was also really nice to get together.  We have all matured and realize that it is what is in us that really counts- our feelings, character, caring for others, honesty, etc. (Well of course!  We are a lot older than when we started meeting!)  So we are going to keep meeting.  Next time will probably be in May.  I look forward to it.

My granddaughter-in-law Meagan had gone out of town with her grandmother Sharron and was missing her son Conner.  This is such a gentle picture of both of them.  I love it!

Mother and Son

My friend Barbara Long sent me a message that her dog Tavi died.  She was in a lot of pain and very sick, so she had her put to sleep.  This is so painful.    She lost her other dog Patti in February.  Our pets are family and we feel it.  I know I have.  I've invited her to come over to watch the Super Bowl and just take it easy.  We are very comfortable around each other.  She is bringing homemade soup and picking up a pizza that will work for her vegan diet, but also bring vegan cheese we will put on it before baking.  I have a slight cold and want to stay home to let myself heal.

Well, it was a good and busy week.  I hope your week went well.  For those watching the Super Bowl, which team are you rooting for?  I've decided to support the Seattle Seahawks.  I'm not betting, but it just makes it a little more interesting if you commit to a team.  Have an excellent week and I will see you next Sunday.                 Rachel