Can I Write?

On Monday there was a beautiful quilt shared by someone on wimp.com.  This person's step-father had the quilt made from his wife's clothes.  I'll assume it was a daughter who go it, because there is no identification as to who shared this.  Now the daughter pulls it out every Mother's Day in remembrance of her mother.

I already had the thought of taking all the t shirts I have, some having belonged to Paul and making a quilt out of that.  Perhaps I'll take a class in that or see if I can talk Shelley into doing it (or maybe we can do it together).  The problem is that Shelley has an incredibly full life and I don't want her to be burdened with a "have-to".  But even after I'm gone, I think it would still be a great idea.

Here is an incident my mother wrote about.  I very much remember this, because we all started laughing hysterically afterwards, because I think we really did think God had just answered us.

YOU BE JESUS AND I'LL BE GOD

When the kids said they were Jewish, the neighborhood kids

asked them if they wouldn't like to learn to pray so they

could be American.

Before their parents could clarify the situation, the

children were all kneeling in the living room.

Friend Sally said to Ben, "Now you be Jesus and

I'll be God".

"Okay," Ben folded his hands and they all closed their eyes

just as George, their father, was coming up the hallway.

Sally said, "Now, after me:  "Dear God....." as she

piously waited for the response.

George pitched his voice very low and slowly sad:

"Y-e-s?"

Here is a picture of my dad, George with his mother Fannie and a picture of my brother Ben, maybe around four years old.

Here are a few pictures from Mothers Day.  Jennifer and her children Crystal, Kayla and Devin didn't get in the act.  Kayla's friend Mariah also was there.  Shelley always gets pictures.  Alyssa's boyfriend Jeremy, his mother Diana and sister Brooke also came.  Breanna, Alyssa's and Heather's little sister was also there. Heather was with her boyfriend's family.

Rachel and Shelley

Kevin, Shelley and Alyssa

Alyssa, Kevin, Shelley, Jeremy, Diana and Brooke

Heather received an award Monday night for how well she did at Highland High School  She received The Golden State Seal for outstanding achievement in the California Standards Tests.  Her boyfriend Wesley, her parents Shelley and Chris and I went.  Got pictures, but Wesley is not in them.

Chris, Heather and Shelley

Heather and Shelley

Rachel and Heather

We agreed to go out Saturday night to Macaroni Grill for a celebration.  Heather, her boyfriend Wesley, Shelley and I were there.  Very nice get together.  I "grilled" Wesley on his future plans.  He is working to become an electrician.  That is a good profession.   Heather's plan is to go on to Bakersfield College first.  She was a GATE student which is way beyond the regular student in intelligence.  She finished high school early and finds the talk of most kids her age as superficial.  I think she could be really bored with the things most of us do and perhaps even by the talk of people who are not where she is.  If she had a higher degree, she has a better chance of working independently or doing something she really loves that she wouldn't see as just a "job".  I saw her becoming an engineer, doctor, scientist, geologist, anthropologist, mathematician, something using that great intelligence she has.  I gave her the talk about it being much easier to do things earlier in life because life interferes with plans later.  She has so much to give the world.  I hate to see us denied of this.

I enjoy going to The Art and Spirituality Center.  I had another session on drawing in the healing garden. Below is the result of that.  Another fountain there.   There are at least five fountains in that garden.  I really love it.  Also, the open studio there is a great setting for just working on what you have.  The music and setting are soothing.

 My friend Kimberley who volunteers at the Art and Spirituality Center recommended a musical at The Empty Space called Into the Woods which she praised highly saying her children, Kenna and Jackson wanted to go again.  They are still playing next weekend if you want to make reservations (give them a call). A friend and two of my grand kids were tied up so I decided to go alone.  I am so glad I went.  It was a fantastic musical done by a fantastic theater group.  I promise, you will not be disappointed if you go. Recommended donation is $15 each, students and seniors are $10 each (this is a real deal).  Call 661-327-7529 to reserve seats.  Leave a message saying which show, your name and phone number and how many seats.  If there is a problem accommodating you, they will call you back.  This is their Facebook page: The Empty Space and this is their web page: The Empty Space.  They are on Oak Street in Bakersfield, CA.

No class with Carol Bradshaw this week.  She did contact us by email and we will be doing goats as the next animal we attempt to draw.  I'm also collecting seascapes and landscapes.  She is suggesting getting a picture with a waterfall.  I really want to work on water and make it seem like it is really flowing and rippling. I'll also continue to work on my pine cone.

I've read a couple of books I would like to tell you about.   The first book was The Sheep Walker's Daughter by Sydney Avey.  I enjoyed this one.  A woman I met at a writing class told me the author was at Barnes and Noble, so I went by and got a copy signed for me and my daughter Shelley.  This was about a granddaughter finding her roots.  Her mother was kept in the dark about her father's heritage.  Her grandmother died and this started a search for roots by the granddaughter and a search for meaning for the daughter.  It is a touching story and also touches on the relationships between mothers and daughters which can be so complicated.  I really did enjoy this one and recommend it as a good read.  The other one was The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav.  I was not impressed with this book, but I'm in the minority about this. This writer talks about angels and reincarnation as if they are facts.  I don't buy into this.  I use the word Karma and think about what I do will be reflected in the treatment of me by others.  In this book, it talks about it perhaps being in another life, perhaps hundreds of years later.  How it was approached makes it seem that poor people are dealing with Karma from a previous life.  I can't abide by that.  This makes the victims the bad guys.  Sorry, this is not acceptable to me.  I was okay about growth we can have and the need to work together.  I see science as a wonderful field though and I certainly didn't get the feeling of that in this book.  I also just found it difficult to wade through as if it was a text book.

On Saturday morning I went to the Kern Writers meeting.  I have never been to something like this.  There were published and non-published writers there.  They urged us to consider joining and then get in a critique group where you would get supportive feedback from others if you were aiming to publish.  A person has to hand in three examples of their writing and pay the nominal fee.  It is not necessary to be a published writer. Several people who were in the writing group at Art for Healing were there.  One writer Don Thompson shared from his book Local Color, poems or the places, people and events of Kern County.  He uses words so well!  I think I will submit my writing.  I'd like to associate with these people.

Barbara Long worked on putting up the tent she bought because we are doing a short camping trip this next week.  Of course, we would pick the hottest day and the hottest time of the day to do this!  We sat on her patio which was lovely.  She fixed it up and it is a wonderful place to lounge now.  While there, we kept hearing a very young kitten crying that to me sounded like it was in distress.  We found two of the kittens knotted up in a string trellis for tomatoes.  The mom pick this place without Barbara's permission and growled as we tried to get close.  She is feral and was threatening us, so I sprayed mom when she was upset with Barbara being too close.  Barbara had to take a knife to cut the strings.  It was slow going and I was sure one of them was strangled, but when we checked later, there was definite movement and they were nursing.

Barbara and I shopped for our food, picking things that were healthy and also very tasty.  We split the booty to place in each of our refrigerators.

Today I packed up the car for our camping trip.  There was also a film at The Art and Spirituality Center called "Happy"  It was a good documentary.  It has received multiple awards and it has created a movement. If you are interested, go to their website The Happy Movie.

Pretty full week.  Please share this if you feel someone would benefit by it.  Thank you for reading and I will see you next week.              Rachel

Mothers Day this Week

What an interesting and full week.  Conner has had a cold that he got from everyone else in the house.   My grandson Billy is still sick.  I really do not want to be around him when he is sick, because then I would get sick.  Hopefully he is better soon.  I want Billy, Meaghan and Conner to come over for lunch when everyone is well.  I hope they will be able to do that.  I have many pictures to give them of Billy's family that I hope when Conner is an adult and has his own children, he will have some of his history.  It is nice to see where you came from.  This gives him half the picture.    I also have pictures from my camera that I want to give them.  I have had problems with my printer and ended up getting a new one.  I want to actually make a disk of these pictures to use as they would like and also I'd like to make a slide show of the pictures I have accumulated.  If they send me other pictures, I would include them.   I used to do this all the time and got quite good at putting together these disks.  I haven't done it in years, but would enjoy doing it again.  Conner is looking good though.

On Monday my friend Barbara Long and I went to see The Perfect Gentlemen at the Rabobank Theater.  It was Cinco de Mayo and we didn't want to get caught up in the crowds ahead of time, so we went to The Garden Spot.  Food was so refreshing, reasonably priced and offers more than salads, though I could just settle for a salad.  We both commented that we each have always liked the food here and that it was odd that it rarely occurs to us to come here.  We are going to make a point of considering it in the future.  The show was great.  Very talented.  Much more than a barber shop quartet.  Lots of humor and the music was more than just barber shop quartet style.  One piece was taking one song and singing most of the styles done in the 20th century.  Very creative and funny.   There was a preshow in the lobby of an elementary school Mariachi band.  They were from College Heights Elementary School.  They got rave reviews from all of us.  It was very hard to think that they were so young.  Their leader Nick Olmos has been noted for being a fantastic teacher.  I can see this.  I don't see children at this age usually doing this well.  Bravo! Last show for the season  Need to get my season ticket.  It is worth the price of $80 for the quality of all eight shows that are booked each year.  Check out the Bakersfield Community Concert Association to get your season ticket.  Way cheaper than buying them at the door even if you miss two or three of them.  For details, visit www.bakersfieldcaa.org

Spent quite a bit of time at the Bakersfield Art and Spirituality Center, for sessions and to work on my art. One of the sessions led by Norma Neal was drawing something in the Healing Garden at Mercy Hospital.  So peaceful.  I really could sit there for hours.  I think all hospitals should have something like this.  Considering the stress that people are under with medical problems, this is a place to let go and let peace wash over you.  The first picture is of a fountain with plant in the garden.  The second picture was my attempt at drawing pine trees and pine cones.

On Saturday I went to a session "A Time to Write" led by Annis Cassells.  What a wonderful person!  She made it very comfortable to write by using playful techniques to help draw out our creativity and to silence the critic going off in our head telling us we don't have what it takes.  Very thoughtful and worth the investment of time to go.   In addition, she invited us the the Kern County Writers group which will meet this Saturday.  We don't have to be a published writer to go.  They do an educational part at these meetings and they are also very supportive of each other.  I put it on my calendar and hope to go.  While there, a fellow participant recommended a book being sold at Barnes and Noble, letting us know the author was there signing her books.  I enjoyed meeting her.  I picked up two copies, one for my daughter Shelley and one for me.  It is titled The Sheep Walker's Daughter by Sydney Avey.  I look forward to reading it.  Briefly, it is about a mother's deathbed confession to family that what they knew about their family heritage was not true.  So the daughter checks into what she finds out which leads to even more questions.  Shelley and I are going to make a trip to the Sacramento area for her to look at where she lived as a young girl.  It is an adventure examining your roots and I hope that time will be good for us both.

Had my art class with Carol Bradshaw.  I worked on a lighthouse.  It has a lot of problems with it, but it is coming along.  I'll work on drawing it again.  We are also drawing a pine cone for next class.  I also asked about drawing pine trees.  You can see above my work on that.  Carol is going to take a week off each month, so we will have a little more time to work on our assignments.  This next one will be a week from this coming Thursday.  See below my lighthouse (I found out from my fellow student that the light comes from the glass room at the top, not a beacon light - will work on this) and my redo of the birdhouse and nest.  It is coming along.  We have another student, Deb.  Her skills are quite a bit beyond us.  She is drawing her Doberman and I thought it was excellent.  Anyway, we enjoy the interactions with others so this is fine if she can tolerate us.

We had our Red Hat Dinner at The Red Pepper since this was the week of Cinco de Mayo.  Great food and ALWAYS great camaraderie with my fellow Red Hatters.  One thing they asked was what happened with the plumber two blogs back.  Well, I didn't call the plumber, but I should have.  I used a wrench to tighten it each day, but I stopped after the third day because at least it wasn't squirting out of the shower.  My niece Shannon McDonnell will be passing through town on the way north to visit her mother Kerri Buttler in Washington in the near future. She will have six kids with her, several who are older among them; I think someone can help me.

It also dawned on my that I showed my husband Paul and me in a costume telling you it was our wedding picture.  It was done at a photo studio.  I just didn't tell you where we married.  We married while on vacation in Thailand in 2004 in a town named Ayuthaya, the first capital of Siam.    In the United States, we generally wouldn't wear an outfit like this. 

I also had a chemo session, but there really is nothing to talk about in regard to this.  I just do it every three weeks.  If something ever stands out, I'll share it. 

And finally, Mothers Day today was at my home.  Shelley and Jennifer with their children came.  There were also guests of the children which was just fine.  Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves.  We ate on the back patio.  With my fountain, the sound of running water and some lovely chimes, it made it all idyllic.  Food came out well, the weather was perfect in the mid 70's.  

Okay, I'm done.  I think I may have done a little too much because my back is aching.  I'm off to lie down and contemplate how fortunate I am to have the family I have.  I hope everyone else had a lovely Mothers Day.  See you next week.           Rachel

Seventh Anniversary of Paul's Death

Last June at my friend Martha Elizalde Hense's Home

My great grandson Conner is almost a month old.  I don't hear much, but I have been getting pictures.  My grandson Billy has been sick for a week and I'm looking forward to him feeling better and spending the day at my home.  So, I had to get some pictures.  Billy sent me a couple and the other was from checking Facebook.

I set the DVR for most of my television viewing so I can watch programs I wouldn't otherwise see. CBS News Sunday Morning focused on issues about death and dying - The first was Mitch Albom who wrote Tuesdays with Morrie  (which was an excellent book) and who has done a lot of people oriented activities since and said "When I lose people, I recognize how small I really am in this whole picture";then,  a town where well over 90% of the adults had completed an Advance Directive; then, how comedians "die" on the stage; and then,  Is there a good death? - a man invited a photographer into his life when he was dying. Most wants to die at home with family around, but only one in four do this.  This man wrote  a memoir, had his cat there and listened to classical music; the losing of a loved one who had a long and full life is still painful.
What is so good about all this is taking the subject of death and dying out of the closet and encouraging a public conversation on what people are thinking about but will not say out loud.

I went to Hart Park again. It was warm in the sun and cool in the shade. I was near ducks and geese and I had my camera with me and when I would move toward them they would raise a ruckus.  When I stayed at the table, they were fine. People came by to feed the ducks  and geese but generally they did not get upset with them. After these people left, they situated themselves by me standing on one leg and tucking their head or sitting on the ground with their eyes closed. It seemed like nap time after eating. I also worked on drawing my birdhouse and nest while I was there.   My proportions are wrong in terms of getting perspective of lines which are further away.  Robert a man who comes to Art for Healing recommended the butterfly to balance the picture.  Good idea!

My friend Leslie Gillin's mother died a year ago this last Monday. She asked if some of her friends would join her for dinner at California Pizza Kitchen for support. Well, two other friends I know were there.  I met Jan Wiley at Art for Healing and we took a drawing class at Bakersfield College through their adult learning program The Levan Institute.   Donna Collier who was an RN at the Health Department working with HIV positively diagnosed people. I contracted with that program as a social worker and we became very close as a result of that work. She came to the memorial service for my husband.   That was such a bad time for me I don't remember.  Anyway Leslie was going to her meditation teacher Francine Papadimitrakis's home to release a lighted sky lantern as a way to release good thoughts, prayers and/or messages to our loved one who has died. We were invited. She served us a pleasant dessert that was a part of her Greek culture and then we had a very nice conversation about yoga, meditation healing, etc.   She had us deal with these lanterns in twos since they were quite big. We lit this black square which sent heat into the lantern and rose very high and either moved out of our vision or went out on its own.  She said she couldn't find sky lanterns locally and had ordered them online.  I will also check Francine's classes at The Yoga Space in Bakersfield. She uses a healing model which is something I could use.  It was a magical experience and I think that the Jerdin Family might want to do this.  We are going to do the sky lanterns on Paul's birthday at Shelley's home.   I ordered the sky lanterns through Amazon.com. I'll pick up a dessert and as soon as the sun has disappeared, we will light these and send positive energy from us to Paul.  I believe it will be cathartic.

 Wednesday, April 30th was the seventh anniversary of my husband Paul's death. I still miss him and probably always will. I went to the cemetery where his ashes are and where I've made arrangements for my ashes to go. The setting is very peaceful and I talk to him when I'm there.  We were married April 12, so it makes for a month of remembering.  It is okay, even if I do cry.  We had pictures done while we were there, though our marriage was a civil ceremony.  We went to a photography studio and pointed at our rings and hugged each other.  They didn't speak English, but they did understand that.  Below is one of the pictures taken and then I did a "selfie" at the cemetery with Paul.

I realize this is very odd to some people.  I would like it to be a natural and if people want to talk about they should be able to.  It helps me and I hope it helps you.  Let's get the conversation going.  See you next Sunday.            Rachel

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

I had this great idea that I was going to save myself a lot of money by fixing the leaking shower faucet.  I kept watching different videos about how to do it and thought "I can do that."  So it's good I looked at several of them because the first two did not say anything about turning off the water to the house.  I found it and turned it off.  It talked about an Allen wrench.  I've heard the term, but I didn't know what it was.  Looked it up on the Internet and realized that I have used one (though I know there are different sizes) for some things you have to put together.  I worked all day having to return to Home Depot three times to get something to help with the next step.  The handle would not come off even though I unscrewed it. There is a handle puller you can buy.  I bought it and it worked.  Anyway, I got down to the valve stem and could not get that out at all.  There was absolutely no movement.  I sprayed it with something that loosens bolts, tried several times then gave up. I was having dinner with my friend Janet Seinturier at a place where we love the Margaritas.  I cleaned up as best I could with no water, then got in my car to go.  I'm able to open my garage door with the electronic opener in my car.  I pull out and press the button and the light flashes off and on.  It has done this many other times and there is nothing in the way so I decide I have to go in the house and close the garage door from another place and go out the front door.  Well, I was on automatic, and drove back into the garage, used the button on the wall to close the door and then went to the front door.  I looked out and my car isn't there...... I'm thinking "Crap!  They are fast"!  Then I look down and I see I have the keys in my hand and I think they can't take the car without the keys.  I go back and look in the garage and there is my car, just where I put it.  I kept thinking if anyone was watching me, they would be sure I was nuts.

I had a wonderful dinner as always with my friend.   I told her about a video that I thought would be helpful. I had put in woman doing plumbing and something came up.  It was a young woman in short shorts wearing a bikini top who had a breast enhancement (when she laid down on her back to get under the sink, they were up there and perky).  Not how a natural woman would be.  The background voice of a woman was sultry with I guess sexy music.  Anyway, that is not what I wanted.  I wanted to see if a woman would handle the job a little differently from a man or found ways to deal with using brute force which I don't have at all. My girlfriend was laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes.

The next morning I attempted to loosen the valve and it was just like the previous night, so I go back to Home Depot.  I ask a woman who works there what do plumbers use to loosen valves?  She asked this man who had his son with him if he understood plumbing issues and asked him was there something special? Nothing more than I knew about.  They offer to look at it for free and if I decided to use them, settle on a fee.  Well I'm desperate at this point and I said "I'll hire you".  I gave them my address and they met me there a half hour later.  They sprayed the valves again and then they just turned it.  I wanted to yell "NOT FAIR"! Then we went back to Home Depot for the valves and I decided if I was going to do this, I'd get new handles and a shower head.  This took a while as we are figuring the length with the screw.  We go back to my house and it turns out the shower head I picked won't work.  He tells me what to get, but now he has to leave.  That was okay because I was already late for my art class.

Again, I feel I didn't spend enough time on my art, but I showed her what I did.  She loved my eggs in the nest and thought I should be using the best paper and then frame it.  My fellow student Wayne also liked it. Fascinating.  Because I really can't tell what they are seeing that is so good.  Not that I think it is bad, but they REALLY liked it.  The next project is a bird house because of angles of a square, triangle of the roof, circles from the openings and cylinders with the pegs for birds to sit on.  She also wanted us to take pictures of what we have so we can refer back to them, and if it is large, we can see more detail.  So she suggested first light in the morning.  I told her I had gotten used to sleeping in and didn't know if I could do this.  She said "make your coffee, set up your birdhouse and nest getting the light over your right shoulder (I'm left handed) then go back to sleep."   So I set my alarm for 5:45 with the complete intention of doing this. I wake up after 8 a.m. and wonder how I could have slept through "It's a Hard Days Night."   I had put p.m. instead of a.m.  I did it again the next day.

Ball with Braided Twine

Robin Eggs in Basket

I had gone to Lowe's to get a different shower head and came back to put it on.  My plumber had put the tape on it and all I had to do was screw it on.  Okay, I did that, but it really was very tough for me and water was squirting all over the place on the sides of this.  I tried it two more times and I've given up.  I'm calling the plumber to make a stop here to put it up for me.

On Saturday I did wake at 5:45 a.m. to put on the coffee and get my picture outside.  I couldn't find the bird house.  I wondered if I dropped it some how when I came home from class.  It rained the previous night and the sky was overcast.  So I decide I'd have to go out and get another birdhouse, but when I went in the garage, there is the birdhouse on the dryer.  I'm sure you are assuming that I would obviously see it.  No. The dryer has things on top of it going from outside to inside or inside to outside.  I really need to toss a lot of it and just put the stuff where it belongs.  Ugh!  I tried it on Sunday morning.  I could have gotten up at 7:00 a.m. because the light was very diffused until the sun was showing over the trees. I'm not putting in Saint Francis of Assisi yet because I have some things to learn before doing this.  I'm ignoring the table. Who would have thought this would stretch out so long?

This drawing is the first done in the house
I will work further on this.

I have been collecting change for two years.  I ordered a change sorter that will put it in the papers and believe it or not the post office delivered it on Easter Sunday.  That was so odd.  I wouldn't  have expected that.  Anyway I got my three grandchildren who were over into the game of sorting all the change for me.  I gave them each a roll of quarters for their efforts.  I finally took the change to my bank on Saturday morning and they informed me that it is sent out and will take five or six days for them to count it.  I had this idea I would walk out with $244.00.  Nope.  But they were willing to put it in my savings account.  Just know if you were desperate, you couldn't get bills to use right away.

So what is my lesson?  Relax.  It isn't always going to work out.  You can't control everything.  Go with the flow when you can. Do things earlier rather than later so you might have time to fix the situation.  Believe me, you'll be a lot less stressed.  In my mind, that is the message of my mom's story below, though she sees it a little differently.

Here is another story my mom wrote.  It was in the late 1950's and she would have been no more than mid-thirty's.  Women's rights were rarely heard during that time.  My mom was very outspoken, probably that is why I am so outspoken.

Children are Communists

This is not the statement of a provocateur in order to bait Communists.  Nor am I trying to slur Communists in any way.  Why, Some of My Best Friends.  I am being strictly definitive about this.  (Even dialectical.) Children are Communists.  I would like to prove this.  

Take private property,  for instance.  Which they do.  Constantly.  Home many pens, combs and lipsticks that you have compulsively kept picked up (in your purse, locked in a filing cabinet safe and THEN in a locked room) could you ever find whole when you needed them.  None, of course.  It is never the lovely bottles marked with skull and crossbones I hopefully leave at a child's level in the medicine chest that is ever missing or needs locking up.  They are not that cooperative.  No.  The more pains you take to conceal the indispensable ingredients of a child's survival kit, the more quickly does he find it.

Trying to keep myself short of hysteria one day on this subject, I calmed down by thinking, "try to be reasonable, logical.  Do what Sherlock Holmes would do and put it in the most obvious place."   With this new implementation of reasoning power, I wanted to go out immediately and preach to the mothers of all the land: "Just be a Sherlock Holmes!"  I relaxed.

Sure enough, things improved immensely.  Oh, they still get ever lipstick and pen and comb all right.  But by leaving them right on the floor where they will end up anyway, the safe is unbroken, the doorknob lock still works, the file can still be used, my purse is not ruined and I am still in one piece.  In fact, I can only truly relax when the lipstick, pen and comb ARE missing in action.  Think of all the anxiety of waiting until they are gone that it saves.  

But they SHARE it.  That's the point.  EVERY child gets a turn at using the lipstick on the walls and library set.  Communists, of course.

They believe in social ownership of the means of production.  This explains of course why my typewriter keys are stuck together with Wil-hold Glue, why the shorthand machine paper I've been writing on the day before always shows some very inky hieroglyphics an adult would blush to have written and why my pen writes penmanship exercises all over my manuscripts, which is all right - it's the BLANK manuscript paper I object to their using - it's so handy for shopping lists.

This is not a very good quality picture, but here is one of my mom probably in her mid-thirties.

I just finished reading a book, Making Rounds with Oscar:  The Extraordinary Gift of an Ordinary Cat by David Dosa.  He is a Geriatrician  where part of his work takes him into a nursing home with people who have dementia.   What I liked about the book besides this great cat Oscar (I have two cats and they are so important to me), is the coming to terms with chronic and/or terminal illness and how hard it all is.  That if you can make a life with what you have and note the small victories and call on your support system, you'll do better than the ones who give up.  Oscar just accepted people where they were at.  He sat with them while they died.  He not only gave comfort to the dying, but also the families and the caregivers.  And, Dr. Dosa became more empathetic as a result of this work and exploring how Oscar was so well known in this nursing home.  The letting go by family is very difficult and is a most loving thing they can do as the person is in the active part of dying.  Good story.

I've just started another book recommended by my friend Cathy Seguine who is a social worker and a great one at that.  This book is called The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav.  He has been on the Oprah Winfrey show discussing this book.  I did not see it and I'll let you know about it after I've finished reading it.

Today, Sunday, Barbara Long and I went to see a movie shown at the Art and Spirituality Center called Babel.  I saw it when it first came out, but I think I saw more this time.  It all comes down to communication and different cultures.  I think The United States could work more on dealing with other cultures as an okay thing rather than seeing those who are not like us as the enemy.  It sparked a good conversation afterwards.  Barbara and I went to Rosa's for a good inexpensive Italian meal.

Okay, that's it this week.  I hope things are calmer next week.  See you next Sunday.    Rachel

Talking to Family and Friends

My great grandson is looking good!  I haven't seen him since the hospital, but I'm glad they do post pictures. He is a cutie! Here are two pictures at one week old.

This is the week of completing all the forms to get Kaiser Senior Advantage through my employer.  I don't think they make it particularly hard, but I think I do.  I forgot to send a copy of the Medicare card to my employer.  I called to find out if all was okay when I found out I had not done that.  So I sent that in.  Then I called Kaiser and found out they sent me a form to complete to do the transition.  Hopefully I have done that right.  I mailed it in and they will let me know in 10 to 12 working days if they got it all and send me my Senior Advantage Card.

I didn't work much on my drawing this week.  We are working on shapes within shapes in this six week period.  Now we are doing balls with cord or grapevines.  It is fascinating but I need to work on moving my hand so I get the curves right.  Our teacher Carol Bradshaw told us that two men should be joining us soon since they have been working very hard and are passing the other students in the beginner class.  I think this ends up encouraging us to do better.  She also commented that she felt our drawing was getting so much better that she felt we should be drawing on very good paper.  I think Wayne and I are not feeling as confident in ourselves as she has in us, but it does help to hear that someone feels you are doing pretty good.

This week I put a lot of emphasis on sorting through all the pictures I have and separating them to give mainly to family members, but also a couple of friends.   I think Billy, my grandson will want to share some of his heritage with Conner, so he is getting quite a few pictures. Since I was on a roll getting things done, I packed up the Wii and gave it to my grandson Devin since I haven't been using it.  He was very excited and maybe a little shocked to be getting so much "stuff".  Today on Easter, Shelley pulled out people pictures from albums I made and we pretty much threw out many of the scenery shots.  I have a lot of these already that maybe I would draw or paint later.  Shelley kept a couple of them to do later also.

My main television went out.  I ended up buying one from Costco.  They really are inexpensive if you don't need the latest style.  It is an improvement over what I had.  Had to have AT&T here to reprogram the remote, so now everything is working.  What I had weighed in around 200 pounds.  Quite amazing how light they are now.

My son Jeff and his wife stopped for a short time to visit on their way up north to spend Easter with family on Stephanie's side.  Wonderful catching up and hearing about their daughters' (Cassadie and Meghan) experience at Coachella, a newer style of Woodstock.  The girls are returning home for the summer in about three weeks.

I had dinner with a friend Susan who used to be my boss.  She works in hospice care.  She was the best boss I ever had.  I keep trying to figure out what it was, but it was a lot of things.  She was fair to everyone.  She explained things well and she had a wonderful sense of humor.  I looked forward to any meetings we had because it was like letting go of the bag of rocks.  It was revitalizing.  And, we had enough of these, that our group seemed on a high because of this.  She is getting certified to do sky diving.  I asked if this was on her "bucket list".  And she said, "Well, yes, I guess it is, but I hadn't thought of it that way".  She loves the sense of freedom as she is coming down.  I thought about some experiences I have had in the last ten years and have decided that I can't do these sort of things anymore.  When I tell people about them, they just become hilarious stories after the fact.  At the time, they were nerve wracking and also physically painful.  I don't have the strength I used to have.

I took some pictures to my friend Janet Seinturier.  We laughed about some experiences we had related to the pictures and I said that maybe there would be something worth sharing at my memorial service.  She called later in the evening concerned that something was happening that I wasn't sharing.  I told her "no", I'm not suicidal and I didn't think anyone was going to kill me.  She asked if I got news that my end was near.  I told her no and that if I got news like that I would share it with her and other people I am close to in my life.  I don't want to be alone in going through this and that was why I was encouraging others to talk about it too.  I said I knew that we each would eventually go through this alone, but that this alone experience was what everyone before us has done and what everyone after us would do.  I explained this to my son Jeff and his wife Stephanie and then today explained it to Shelley.  I would rather that we be open about it. That makes it easier for me and I hoped it would end up being that way for them.

In having these talks I find there are similarities as well as differences.  There is no way you would really know this unless you talked about it.  I appreciate knowing it both ways.  When I was a social worker in hospice I really became aware of the similarities we have in dealing with issues.  Of course there were differences, but we rarely talk about what is similar.  Since I had gone through much loss by the time I was working in hospice, and from what family members would share with me about their experiences, I was able to share this as I tried in my way to make people comfortable with me and in understanding what was likely to occur as they went through the grieving process.  Some people thought I had some inside information about them specifically.  I would tell them "no", but that these were human experiences.  It takes the pressure off people to find out they are not alone.

We had an Easter meal at my home.  Very basic, but tasty and always great company even as our group is shrinking.

One of my friends, Zona Gray-Blair asked me to share a story that my mom wrote about us kids as we were growing up.  Zona's family and my family were very close and we spent weekends together even though we lived one to two hours away from each other.  I'll let you know that I came from a very unorthodox family. So you probably did not have experiences like this, but they were funny.  Here is one story:

Excuse Me Neighbors, I Mean a Big Ant!

Rachel was cleaning up everything in the kitchen, as the kids will do sometimes go overboard and not stop till everything's done and they drop in their tracks.  So she had started the washer, the dishwasher, the dryer, mopped the floor, and, as an afterthought, she took off all her clothes and put them in the last load and finished cleaning up the last cupboards absolutely stripped.

Rachel had to keep ducking and reeling around the kitchen bent level at the waist, because, with the usual great forethought put into things, the cardboard-replaced broken window in the back door was shoved up to the top and the unbroken see-through pane was shoved down to the bottom.  You couldn't see them, but they could see an interesting part of you, particularly if you were a fully-formed female.

Rachel raced to scrub out the pan pantry under the sink so she could throw the rug in the washer before it emptied.  "oh," she screamed, "a big roach!"

Mom whispered in a shocked voice, 'Rachel!  The neighbors!" as Rachel jumped back from the pantry and skidded on the damp  floor, hurting herself.

Rachel lurched up naked into view to edit her last remark, as tears came to her eyes from her wounds, "Excuse me neighbors," she shouted at least as loudly as the first time she had spoken, 'I mean a big ant!"

So that's it for the week.  Hope you are doing well and talking with others you are close to.  Believe me, these talks are important and make a difference in the relationships we have.  Please share this blog if you feel others could benefit and I'll see you here next week.            Rachel

What Is Most Important To You?

This has been an interesting and a full week.  Conner Lane was born on Sunday.  My grandson Billy Lane called me asking me to come visit them while Meaghan was still in the hospital.  So I went.  I took my regular camera to get a few pictures.  What a handsome family!  And I know babies are just cute, but I think he was very cute!  There were a couple of problems.  Conner had a knot in his umbilical cord.  So far, they are not noting any problems.  And Meaghan had some serious bleeding for over an hour after delivery.  They both appear to be okay now.

Conner with daddy Billy

Conner with Great Grandmother Rachel

Mom Meaghan, Dad Billy and Conner 

Mom Meaghan and Conner

Conner sleeping through it all

Billy does not like the family picture feeling he looks "creepy".  I think they look great.  A friend of theirs stated it well.  "You both look like you are saying 'we done good'.    I felt that way.  Does anyone feel that it was a bad picture because of the look?  It was lovely and I need to make arrangements to get the other pictures to Billy.  My friend Lynn Repasky felt that with Great Grandmother and Great Grandson that it shows the circle of life.  That is true!

I tried out a new restaurant in town based on my friend Lisa Renich's recommendation.  It is called The Tofu House, Korean Barbecue.   What great food and it was reasonably priced.  They have many meat dishes, but they specialize in Tofu and they are very good at preparing it.  I suggested to the owner's son that maybe emphasizing the Tofu was losing a big part of the market.  Their food is healthy, lots of veggies with different sauces.  I just don't see many non-Asians in there.  (I've only been there twice).  I thought some people might be turned off by tofu in the name.  They won't change their name, but they will make sure to advertise the non-tofu dishes also.

The place I go for renewal and work on my art assignments has changed its name from Art for Healing to Art and Spirituality Center.  When I asked why,  I was told that they do more than art, which is true.  I spent time there working on my assignment for Carol Bradshaw's class at the Bakersfield Art Association.  The Art and Spirituality Center has the new schedule for sessions out.  I'm going to see what I want to do.

  We had taken a hiatus while Carol was healing from surgery.  It worked out well for me too with my surgery.  Wayne (my fellow student) and I have been pushing Carol for other types of work, but Carol wants us to be cautious and learn more basics so we will be more comfortable and have the basics to do other mediums as our skills improve. Wayne cautioned me to use a lighter hand in my art.  He is right.  He is very detailed in his artwork and his light hand allows him to do this. I worked on a dragonfly using a stippling technique from the last class we had before our break. In the mean time, I have been working on drawing my friend's (Barbara Long) dog Patti.  I still don't have her right, but I'm getting close. What we are working on in class are shapes within shapes.  That is tough.  Doing a nest with eggs this time.   Right now, my eggs look like potatoes.

My niece Shannon McDonnell has been working on paring down her belongings to 100 items.  What she has found in doing this is that she doesn't spend all day cleaning and putting this stuff away.  I kind of like the idea, but I'm not ready to do this.  I do believe I have too much "stuff"and that it becomes burdensome.  What my niece said is "I''m clearing my life of material things.  I do not want my children to stress over clearing out my stuff when I die so I'm limiting my life for me personally, not my family, to have only 100 things.  Makes life simple.  I really want nothing more."  What she has found is that cleaning takes minutes instead of hours.  That's appealing.  My mother had a thing about having only so much clothes.  She said for every item you buy, get rid of something.  I'm not as good as she was.  But, periodically, I do a sweep through the house to unload of things I'm not using.  I mentioned this to my friend Janet Seinturier that I had  storage unit.  I told her I hadn't been there since I put everything in there.  She told me to "toss it".  I'm not ready for that.   A lot of it is memories tied up in this.  

We went through the pictures of the Jerdin family and split them up for all the kids.  My daughter Shelley Schmitt helped in this.  Kayla Kline, one of my granddaughters and her friend Mariah came over to get the pictures, start a spaghetti meal and generally get the house in order.  They helped some with the pictures, but a person who recognizes more of what they are looking at is the next older generation.    I asked Shelley if she would also be willing to go through the pictures to determine which would work in my memorial service.  She was willing to do this.  I think it is easier to do when it isn't so stressful emotionally.  Anyway, it was fun reminiscing.So it turned out to be a pleasant time.  Didn't finish it, so will probably do some on Easter morning.  I got albums for all of them and gave them to Shelley to distribute when she is ready.  In the process of going through the pictures I found a collection of short stories my mother had written about us when we were kids.  I don't remember them now and look forward to reading them.  The first one had a catchy name, "You Be Jesus and I'll be God".  Wonder what game that was.  Shelley brought me beautiful flowers from her garden.  What a treat!

Because of what Shannon is doing, I was thinking about what is most important to me at this time.  Right now, I want to have "experiences" with my family and friends.  I figure if I need something, I can get it for myself.  I value their time with me more than anything else.  I think just getting older tends to get us to think more along this line.

When I was going through cancer the second time when Paul died, my focus was on getting control of my life.  I really felt out of control.  When things are going along with no trauma in your life, I think we think that we have more control of affairs around us.  When that trauma hits, it is a game changer.  I became aware of how much I don't control.  It is scary initially.  Finding a way to take some sort of control really does help.  Like I said initially, it was on diet.  I'm not sure if it is true or not, but I actually felt a heck of a lot better when I incorporated raw vegetables and fruit in my diet.  Later, I looked at avoiding meat.  I haven't completely succeeded here, but it is a dramatic change from how I used to eat.  Think of food as medicine.  If the fuel isn't good, you aren't going to get very far.  Anyway, I think it is worth looking at.  My friend Linda Harris Dial sent me a cookbook that I didn't have that was put together by the man who wrote The China Study, by T. Colin Campbell, PhD.  The book she sent me was The China Study Cookbook: Over 120 Whole Food, Plant-Based Recipes. We have talked about trying recipes out and sharing our experiences.  I do want to do that.    There was also this great suggestion in the blog Positively Positive on incorporating raw vegetables into your diet by Hayley Hobson.  I became aware that I was feeling soooo much better after three months of doing this.  Find out for yourself.

Incorporating More Raw Vegetables Into Your Diet

So where we are at in life will dictate to a major extent what you thing is most important.  There was a beautiful picture on the internet of an elderly woman's hand stroking a kitten.  She wanted to be known for being gentle.  You certainly get that sense from the picture.

So, where are you at?  What is most important to you at this time in your life?  We are all different and there is no right answer, but looking at this will tell you what you need to be working on.

I saw this cartoon Cyanide and Happiness that definitely looks at death differently than we usually do.  I like it because it shows that we are a part of something much bigger.  I'm okay with that.

That's what I have this week.  I hope you have a good week, and those who are celebrating Easter have a wonderful holiday!  See you next Sunday.  Thanks for reading and please share with others if you feel they would get something out of this.           Rachel

Finding a Purpose

CBS News Sunday Morning today had Steve Hartman interview Jon McAlpin a greeter at Methodist Estrabrook Cancer Center in Omaha Nebraska. He is a retired Firefighter who is a Greeter at the center who's style lifts people up. He is also a cancer patient who is receiving chemotherapy at the center. He has not always been so positive. When he found out, his plan was to commit suicide.  Then has doctor spoke to him convincing him that the end of his life didn't mean it had to be the end of the world. He has now found a purpose, a reason to live.

I think I had to find this also.  I believe that is what we all have to find, but when your life is threatened, it becomes even more important.  What we need to do to find purpose in this life will vary for each of us.  I found when I was first diagnosed in 2000 that all the little stuff was no longer important to me.  It sure became easier to speak up about issues, because I felt I had nothing else to lose.  What death does is put everything in perspective.  Initially I didn't want to talk with others about the idea of my death, except to take care of certain things, like the finances, in case I couldn't.  But the emotional part of this was too big for me.  I was crying all the time.  I drove my husband nuts because of it.  He couldn't handle it and buried himself in playing games on his computer.  I'm sure he just didn't have any idea as to what he could do to help me.

  Later, when I found my voice I explained that I really did understand that he couldn't fix what was going on and that the biggest thing he could do to help me was to give me a hug, to hold me. If he felt a need to cry it was okay with me.  He did start doing this and it helped our relationship a lot.  At work at a later time when I was working in a prison, a young psychiatrist told me to go to group therapy.  At the time I was so much into my own pain (when my husband died and my cancer came back as a stage IV), I explained I was hurting so much that I didn't want to hear about anyone else's pain.  I was too focused on mine.  He then agreed that maybe a group was not what I needed at that point.  Really, we are so selfish at the time our lives are in such turmoil.  This is not a judgement.  This is how I see it for myself, and, I'll guess for a lot of people.  We take up other people's time with our needs, and until we can put it in perspective, it is hard to stop this.  I think writing, talking and thinking about it helps us to process what is happening.  It has all become much easier as I do this.

This week was my Red Hat dinner.  We had it at a very nice Japanese restaurant Kan Pai, a little pricey, but very tasty food and a nice atmosphere.  My fellow Red Hat members met in the bar until our table was ready.  These women are very important to me.  They are warm and fun people.  They have been reading my blog and I've been encouraging them to talk about the subject of death and dying, living well before you die and planning.  Anyway, it was wonderful, we had such an open discussion then.  I loved it.  I probably would not have in the beginning of this, but I want to take away the fear of it and I think it has to be started by the one going through it.  I want more people to do this.  One of my friends in the group Claudia Milazzo took a picture of me at dinner.

The other interesting thing this week was spending time with my granddaughter Kayla Kline.  She helped me in cleaning a rented storage space I have.  It hasn't been touched in about 6 years.   It was covered in webs and very dusty.  The next move is to take the pictures and split them up for the family.  Kayla is going to help, but I am hoping other family members will want to do this with us.  I've offered to make a spaghetti dinner with a nice salad.  We'll spread them all out and divvy them up.  I think it could spur a wonderful conversation about times past.  We'll see.

Some external link I think are worth looking at are:

Salon.com by Mario Beauregard wrote an article about Near Death, Explained.  Having worked in a hospital and later in hospice care, these experiences did come up for some people.  This still doesn't explain it all, perhaps some day, but for me, it helps to take away some of the anxiety about dying.

Near Death, Explained

The next one is from a blog  written by the father of a boy who died at age eleven.  His blog is about the life of his son who died of Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy.  This particular one is him grieving about the loss of this son and explaining to his other son that it was okay to grieve.  It is called Mitchell's Journey. This is the series, the particular one is called Okay, But Not Okay...And That's Okay.  Mitchell's Journey is all very touching and open.  I highly recommend it.

Mitchell's Journey

And finally, but not least is a good Op-Ed piece by Brad Stulberg (12/30/2013)  that was published in The Los Angeles Times entitled No One Wants to Talk About Death, But You Should Anyway.  More reasons to do an advanced directive.

No One Wants to Talk about Death, But You Should Anyway


I just got a call from my daughter Ronda who has found out that my grandson Billy Lane's (her son) girlfriend Meaghan Payne went into labor early this morning, so we should be hearing soon.  They expect to have a boy and have named him Conner.  So I'm about to become a great grandmother.  Hard for me to believe.

Well, thank you for reading and I hope you share this with people you think might benefit or be interested in it.  I'll see you next Sunday.          Rachel