Sharing Our Experiences

I did very little work on my watercolor prior to our last class with Carol Bradshaw. We worked on a country scene with a shed and a large tree by it.  I liked how mine worked with the fall colors.

Martha recommended bringing earplugs for sleeping at her home in Woodlake.  I stay there after the Helping One Woman meeting.  She said that since the riverbed is dry, the coyotes are coming near the house and sets the dogs to barking.  The dogs barked a little before I fell asleep but I didn't wake up after falling asleep.  I went to the Martha's home before we went to the Helping One Woman Dinner. The woman honored that evening lost her twelve year old daughter to cancer. This just started treatment in January. This woman, Heather came with her husband. He spoke for them and gave a very touching talk.  I don't think I could have talked. Kudos to dad. My friends Annemarie and Jeanne came. I'm so glad they did. I hope they'll be back. 

I had an appointment with my endocrinologist who felt I might need to have my parathyroid removed. She also discussed the possible issues if I don't have it done. It isn't a sure bet because I have multiple reasons for bones breaking and a slightly weaker area at my hip. I might have a higher percentage of bones breaking without the surgery. So I said I think I want the surgery if that is what is going on.  I got called the following morning to see the surgeon in Los Angeles on Friday. I agreed to that, but it cut it close. I get Herceptin at eight AM.  Sometimes it runs late, so I sent a message to alert them of my dilemma.  But they got me in first and called pharmacy to start mixing the meds.  My endocrinologist asked me to time my lab work for late November because I was having other bloodwork then. I called Kaiser and an RN told me to go ahead because the doctor would get those results the following day.  I was able to look at the results and they are all in the normal range. I wonder what gives?  

I met with my friend Janet at our regular haunt Mexicali's. She told me she had to put her dog Josh "Poopy" down the previous day. He became non-responsive and couldn't get up. She is grieving his loss. Her husband Ron had gotten Josh so this also brings up painful memories of Ron's death.  I'm calling to check on her.   She thought she should see someone and I suggested she see a psychiatrist and ask for Paxil (I take Paxil), she laughed and said "We could be Paxil pals!"

Anyway, the surgeon doesn't think that surgery is indicated yet. My stepmom Kate was with me so it helped to discuss it later.  We went to a very nice restaurant to celebrate not having surgery. I spent the night at Kate's home which I had not seen since before the kitchen redo. I think it looks great.  

Kate and I also talked about how she did when my dad died. She felt that medical people didn't take their concerns seriously and kept saying "you need support" as if it was a psychiatric issue instead of a medical issue. She was furious with them for treating them this way and has very bad feelings whenever she drives by where he was treated.   She said she kept busy because everyone was telling her to do that. Her feeling is that people will take whatever time they need to heal and we are not all alike. She also resented getting cards like " Rejoice!  He is now with Jesus!"  This made her angry and as a result she does not give people printed cards but sends a note letting them know how she feels. "At least that is genuine". She is right. She saw a movie which came out in 2000 Sous le sable (Under the Sand) where she could identify with the feelings of the character played by  Charlotte Rampling.  This woman was dealing with the loss of her husband and using denial to cope. Kate feels that it is our inner strength that gets us through these tough times and without that and other supports, it is hard to do.  "If you don't have supports, it makes it that much more difficult."  When I lost my husband Paul, Kate sent me this book The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. I found it very helpful because i identified a lot with the feelings she  was having.  

Dainette, Meagan's mom had lost her husband several years ago and we talked about our experiences while Meagan was cleaning. We both agree "he's in a better place" or "he is no longer suffering" or quoting psalms is not helpful at all.  Our issue is that WE ARE HURTING!   We want our loved one with us but we want them healthy.  I am at a loss as to what words help. Please, if anyone has ideas, I would love to hear.

Here is a very interesting article -The Conundrum of Energy and Fatigue. When people are at the end of their life, they tire easily. Here it is put in perspective.  So keep this in mind when they can't do what the used to do. 

http://www.pallimed.org/2014/09/the-conundrum-of-energy-and-fatigue.html?m=1

I'm definitely getting more flexible moving my wrist and fingers. It's coming along.   I missed my appointment on Wednesday at eight AM because I had in my mind it was on Thursday.  I was just leaving Woodlake then for a 1 1/2 hour drive home. 

Meagan, my grand-daighter-in-law came Thursday and gave the house a good cleaning.  She, her mother Dainette and my great-grandson will be going to Texas to bring Meagan's best friend and her children back to Bakersfield. But, while they are there, they will visit Billy's father Johnny Ray, his wife and also his grandparents.  I know this will be very special for them. I'm asking "take lots of pictures!"

This is the latest video of Conner saying yay. 

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10204298811181836&substory_index=0&id=1575518000

Here are some cute photos of Conner. I feel like he is learning so fast!  I got some good pictures especially when he was looking at his mom and Grandma Dainette.

Conner in my living room 

My friend Valerie was in the hospital. They  still aren't sure if it was pneumonia,  but she was in isolation and we couldn't visit her. She was supposed to come for our barbecue on Sunday, but she has bigger things to deal with. We still had our barbecue and she called saying she was released when we were about to eat dinner.  We asked her to come over, but she didn't want to be seen in the condition she was in.   We will have another when Valerie is better we think after the first of the year. So Etta, Tina and Sherry were here.  It has been more than 35 years since we were all together.  We are talking about getting a group shot like we had then and that each of us will stand in the same place.  Good memories! 

My uVerse  was down and I  and I couldn't publish my blog yesterday.  Some were worried, but I'm fine.   The technician is still here.  I have been saying that this is like a dead zone and I don't get very good reception.  He agreed that it was an issue.  I hope he can fix it.  By the way, he told me to call NCCD an organization that helps disabled people but he said also elderly, I think I qualify.   You need to register with them and whenever you have a problem with uVerse, they will just send someone out to deal with it.  No charge for a service call.  I'm calling tomorrow.  The number is 866-241-6568.

I just want to get this out now, so I'm going to publish it.  Next weekend I'll be out of the area and will try to send my blog out.  I'll keep you informed.  Thanks for reading.       Rachel

I cannot transfer my blog this evening.  My wifi is down today and a technician is coming tomorrow evening.  I'm at a friends, but I can't seem to get my notes from iCloud.  So sorry about that,  Hopefully I can do this tomorrow night.  Thanks,     Rachel

Marykay shares and The Elephant

My stepmom called me and said she finally read my post on dad's death.  It felt like a disconnect to her. She said it was like she entered an alternate universe when reading my experience because it was nothing like her own experience.  Well that makes sense to me because we were coming from different places. I wanted to hear what was her experience at that time. She wasn't open to discussing it on the phone but said she would talk about it when we get together next weekend. That made me think that is probably very true on the other deaths I discussed here. I will ask others who were also there if they would be willing to share their experiences here.

There is this story that Ann Landers shared in one of her columns years ago about the elephant in the room. In that article it had to do with a woman's death and everyone in the same room not taking about it when it was obviously on everyone's mind. This woman's death was the elephant in the room. It took up most of the space, but they talked around it.  Well the other story about the elephant is about several blind men touching the elephant at the spot where they were standing. So when each gave a description of what the were touching, all their stories were different.  That seems to be the issue here.  Our perspectives are different. 

I asked my friend Marykay Feit if she would be willing to share her experience about the loss of  her previous husband by his committing suicide.  She did.   "I couldn't sleep so I thought I would finish this. I hope it is helpful and gives you insight  into my experience and feelings.  Love, MK".  Here is her story.

A friend reminded me that every time we peel away the scab, it allows the wound to heal faster.

As I write this, I am playing the sound track of The Hours composed by Phillip Glass taking the journey back to my  feelings of the life and death of David.  I slowly descend to that degree of our life together.  It was the time of my life that I was most hopeful and most challenged.  The story of The Hours was so close to how I felt about the experience of depression.

To write a explanation of my relationship with David, I need to explain how we met when we were friends with spouses and much younger; 26 and 30.  We didn't spend much time together, but when we did it was very casual.  David and his wife were invited to our house for a meal with their two children.  "Friendly" is the best way to say it.  We stayed in touch (his family and I) for the year following that first meeting; it was comfortable to talk and share experiences.  I watched him till the soil in his garden.  As my marriage was crumbling, I would wonder what made his life look so perfect.  We lost contact for over ten years as he and his wife moved away because of job changes.  I had always felt I had much more in common with him than with his wife who was somewhat different than me.  She shared superficial information, but I learned later she was a closet drinker.  David never talked about this part of his life then.

I visited them after going through a really bad divorce from my first husband.  They appeared to be the same, except they had kids in high school now.  Time passed and I went into another marriage of thirteen years and three children before this marriage died and I had the courage to say "enough is enough".  It took four really tough years to divorce this man.  During this time I received a phone call from David who wanted to see me.

He was taking a trip to Nepal and had joined the Peace Corp (something he had always wanted to do).  We met at my house for coffee and a chat.  We caught up on our lives of the past ten years and he explained that he had divorced his wife of 25 years.  His daughter was now a nurse who bought her first home and his son was in college.  He had indicated that he and his wife were estranged most of their marriage as she was a closet drinker.  They both taught special ed children.  We were both Catholic.  It was important to both of us.  My children were between the ages of five and ten.  Again, it was comfortable to talk sharing the events that brought us joy and pain.  He ended our conversation by asking if he could write to me and would I respond to him while he was in Nepal.  I agreed.  I truly thought it would be a nice thing to do.  I didn't see it as complicating the events and trials of my life.

The first letter came and I was so astounded by his openness and his good heart.  It was a chance to see the whole person and the soul of this really good man.  I read these letters like they were a travel log.  They were opening up a world in a faraway place,  painting a picture of a place that was so different than what I was experiencing with my day to day struggles as a single mother keeping the finances afloat, going through an ugly divorce with a man who wanted to control me.    His thoughts started to include me.  I got glimpses of how he felt about us.  When I read them to a friend she said, "he really likes you".  I hadn't really thought that was what was being said, but I thought she was reading between the lines.

He didn't stay in Nepal for a full year as his mother was dying and he wanted to return.  It was tearing at him.  Emotionally he couldn't handle it he would tell me later.

When we started to spend time with each other, it was clear that he wanted to be closer to me.  However, it was clear that there were things that needed to be dealt with and I now was living in another town, closer to my parents who were a part of my children's lives so that I could return to work.  I said I would never marry again unless I could get married in the church as I was raising my children Catholic.  Then he disappeared.  I didn't know what was happening but he would call now and then wondering what I was doing.  I was angry and sad that it appeared that our relationship was disappearing.  I was a full-time mom and a working woman and I had plenty to keep me busy, but I missed the attention from him and didn't blame him for being scared of taking on a woman with three children; but, it seemed that it was so abrupt. There were times I just was so dumbfounded and felt so strange that I just couldn't figure out what caused him to leave.

A year later, I got a phone call from David inviting me to have coffee with him at Denny's.  That was just like him; a casual meeting.  I arranged to meet him there.  It was so curious how comfortable we were sharing small stuff.  We shared the usual: family, health, events and what was coming up in our lives.  He took my hand and said, "Will  you marry me"?  And then he told me of the process he had been through with the church to receive his annulment.  We started to take steps to marry.

Looking back on it, these times seemed so normal.  You know "normal"; do this and that and the expectations of this and that all in the realm of what is expected and both of us being very happy.  He was a "doer" and was so proactive in problem-solving and sharing with the children.  It wasn't as if I didn't know that this was "work" as blended families are hard work, but he was there with me doing the things that needed to be done.  The year following our wedding, we sold my home and moved to another town. We purchased a home and helped the children adjust to all this "change", focusing on them - their lives and needs.  In all truth, we appeared happy and I thing he was.  I know I was.

One day, I can't really tell you the day, but I knew it was a year after our marriage, he came to me with a serious expression on his face and his eyes were glassy.  He said "I need you".  Puzzled I told him, "You've got me, you need yourself".  He started to explain that he was feeling depressed.  He said he had felt this way several times in his life "off and on", and it was back again and he couldn't shake it.  Now, I had worked at a psychiatric hospital for about two and a half years and and I knew several psychiatrists of good repute.  I encouraged him to go to one of them until he found one he liked.

I was really surprised by all of this.  It wasn't evident to me that he had ever felt depressed.  The next five to six years was a learning curve for both of us.  He continued therapy , however, he didn't respond to some of the medication trials.  They then started him on a medication cocktail [different medications together].  Then the doctor retired and a new doctored start to "correct" what was identified as Depression to another and move involved diagnoses of Bi-Polar Disorder.

Our relationship was strained and changed to another road of ups and downs.  It was a real struggle to stay connected emotionally as I am now dealing with someone who has changed and although I want to support his needs, I got the feeling from him that he wasn't there to interact with me, my daughters,  or deal with the situations of everyday life.

One of the realizations of the "truth" was on a Saturday, as I sat at the kitchen table, he emerged from the bedroom with a backpack telling me he was going to go to his sister's cabin for a few days and spend some time alone following his summer school teaching classes.  This time he didn't tell me in advance that he wanted to do this. I felt so alone and it became one of those truths, that he will leave someday and I wouldn't know when or why.  He did this at Christmas time too.  He would get dressed and tell me as he was hold the knob of the door, "I am going to meet my children and their mother for Christmas dinner and exchange gifts".  I was not invited nor did he ever explain further than to say he had promised his children that he would do this for them as part of the separation agreement with their mother years before.

I'm jumping now to March of the last of our eight years of marriage when he emerged from the bedroom on a Sunday appearing very drunk-like.  I asked him what had he taken or done and he said he took all of his Ambien. He couldn't walk very easily.  I locked arms with him and shouted to my children that we were going to the hospital. There had been many conversations and explanations with my daughters about his depression.  And now, it was a new level of chaos.  He couldn't hold a conversation and as I was in the emergency room, the doctor came to me saying, "you can sit her if you want" and then followed it with the explanation that they, the hospital staff calculated from the prescription and the date, he wouldn't be going anywhere.  They would hospitalize him and stabilize him and he would sleep for a while.  With all the concern and turmoil of my emotions, I sat there with the thunder of other noises and machines in the emergency room listening to him snore.  I wanted to kill him!  How could he do this to himself, or me, or to his children, or to my children!  I stopped myself from getting on the pity pot and started to look at this as a challenge of "what to do next"?!!!!

I moved through those days that followed as the professional, being a social worker, contacting his family who visited him in the acute care and sharing their concern with him.  I have always wondered if he ever discussed with his family about his depression, but it wasn't clear.  He went into a psychiatric inpatient facility for over a week and he was placed on a new medication.

I was now working at one of the Regional Centers where I was surrounded by other professionals in social work and other mental health fields.  I started talking to some people who could help me deal with getting him the best help he could get as he started telling me what he was experiencing.  He and I did not like his doctor's approach and they recommended that we find another doctor.

I'm getting exhausted just remembering the phone calls and changes that led to new directions for the care and wellbeing of this man who was so distraught.  He was also starting to "fight" me.  He was doing things that I didn't think he should do: i.e.. drink beer every night.  OMG, I started to count the beer bottles and track how much he was drinking!

I drove him to Stanford Hospital to the psychiatric department offices.  We met with one of the psychiatrist who spent two hours with us.  She listened to his story of years of dealing with depression without formal treatment and the increased impact of the past year on medications that didn't work or weren't very effective.  She was so helpful and I felt hopeful that there was going to be a change.  She wasn't going to be the primary doctor as we lived three hours away, but she wanted to be part of the "team" to treat David.  She told him to seek out a new psychiatrist.  We did do this, bust we sought one in a larger town away from where we lived.  This doctor would be the primary practitioner (who did the physical and communicated with the other physicians in the team).

I decided to seek a counselor (MFCC) for an opportunity to start therapy for myself.  I don't remember if David even knew of this decision, but I needed someone to hear my thoughts and feelings.  My brain and heart were on overload.  I couldn't talk to David about my fears, anxiety, anger, feelings of abandonment and my sadness.  Every week, I saw this woman and she allowed me to pour out my feelings and heard what I had to say.  She gave me a platform to hear that I was sane, normal (however that is defined) and told me it and I were "ok" and safe.  At least, this is what I felt when I hid from him and others some of the personal anxiety of my "truth".  I knew when someone had attempted suicide and "failed" to complete the task, the next time they would find a way to do it again and succeed.  It haunted me to the point I became hyper-vigilant  and distracted.  Little by little in the weeks of April, May and June of that year, I was able to focus on being there for my senior in her last months of high school, I stayed connected with my oldest daughter who was living out of state on her first career job and I communicated with all my daughters about life giving me peace and connectedness.  I was able to continue to be successful at my own job.  During this time, it was clear to me that my relationship with David was so estranged, but it was important to me to stay connected and remain calm as he finished his school year and continued therapy with the psychiatrist.  He didn't share much with me, but we ate our meals together, became involved with the girl's activities and were able to function as if everything was "ok".  It was like walking on pins and needles at times.  I used to think about staying in the moment and finding comfort in the daily routines.  It was easy at times and very difficult at other times.  I found that sometimes I would smile when I was really masking my uneasiness.  He kept busy.  He did yard work, schoolwork, and went to the end of year activities with his staff at the school where he taught.  There was a rush to complete paperwork, documentation of the children's progress and also meeting with parents and caregivers.  Nighttime routines were watching the clock slow down, lowering the lights and doing bathroom routines  (I can talk about this so clearly now.  As the weeks followed his death, I would cry hearing the water run in the bath, hear the sprinklers turn on and off outside.  I avoided being in the house when no one was there.)

As was his practice, after the end of school, he packed his backpack and informed me that he was going for some time at his sister's cabin in the mountains.  He liked to hike with his walking stick and take pictures.  By this time he appeared to be much more comfortable with his new medication regime,  and was going to his doctor appointments.  Although he didn't talk to me much about his thoughts or feelings, he appeared to have returned to being involved with life.  During this time, our relationship was ok to the outside world.  I felt more like a caregiver than a wife and it was somewhat lonely in the midst of the hustle and bustle of life.

That weekend I helped my daughter prepare for her senior graduation for  a trip with eight of her girlfriends to Hawaii.  With David on his trip, and the scheduled plans for my youngest daughter's trip, I was looking forward to some time to slow down and do some things for myself;  I needed to relax alone; It would be like breathing.  You know, when I could take long baths, go to the store and look at other things in life,  going to yard sales, visiting my parents and taking a deep breath.

I had some thoughts about David's whereabouts on and off during his absence.  He had called on the second day and wanted to talk when I was in the middle of helping my daughter pack.  I asked him if I could return his call after I had finished with her as she would be leaving in the morning and I was almost finished.  He had agreed.  (as I write this I am hesitating, questioning if I remember my facts correctly).  When I called him back, he didn't answer his phone.  I called several times and there was no answer.  I was thinking he could have gone for a hike and didn't take his phone.  Or maybe there was no more time left on his phone.  In the morning, I called again and it continued to go to message.  By the late afternoon, I called his sister who lived in another town if she had seen or talked to David.  She told me she wasn't in the mountains and did not hear from him.  She reassured me that he liked to go for morning walks, sometimes several times in a day which could take him farther away from the cabin.  I called his daughter and shared some of my anxiety about the inability to reach him and asked her if she would try to call him as he might not be answering my calls if he was upset with me.  She did and then called me to say she too couldn't get a response.  By the third day, I didn't feel comfortable and needed to take more action.  His sister said she would call her neighbor in the mountains and ask him to check and see if there was any evidence of David's presence at the cabin.  She called me and reported that the neighbor couldn't see his car and didn't think there was anyone there.  Now, I wonder if he is safe and he may have run into trouble; maybe car trouble.  His daughter and sister and I decide to take the next step and contact the Sheriff's Department to make some kind of search.  Now I don't remember clearly the person who called next.  I do remember it was the next morning when someone called and said they found David.  I think it was a Sheriff or maybe it was David's sister.  He/she told me the coroner would be coming to see me later in the morning.

I remember a sense of feeling outside of myself almost numb.  The hours and days that followed were full of events that seemed foreign and strange.  I had not been here before.  I felt lost, I cried off and on, I made calls to my daughters who decided to come home, his daughter and son, and his sister who made contacts with his side of the family.  As I write this, I feel so far from that time now.  It was such a strange and awful time.  I reached out to the people who knew me for support and they gathered around me with such great and comfortable understanding.  I remember feelings of wanting to push everyone away because I didn't want their pity.  I called my boss and girlfriends at work and they were all so wonderful.  I was so scared, angry, sad, fearful and lost track of time and any events other than "taking care of business".  I couldn't have done this without the support of my daughters and friends.  My family (parents, brothers and sister) were as supportive as they could be however, they just didn't understand.  Rachel, your stay with me and the girls was so helpful to gaining understanding and support.  The two weeks that followed June 28th was full of foreign experiences.  By this time I could explain to my therapist what happened and I was so grateful for her insight and her kind words.  I felt exhausted, as if I had climbed out of a deep hole.

The funeral was big.  The priest wanted me to wrap the ashes in a form of a pretty package.  I just couldn't do it as David wouldn't have wanted that.  He was not a fancy man.  He was simple, plain and loved the music of Cat Stevens.  At the end of the funeral mass of several hundred people, the musician sang "Moon Shadow".  David would have loved that.

My journey out of the stages of death and dying: before, during and after David's death took multiple years.  I know I loved him.  I hated him.  I cared about him.  I thought he was a good man with a horrible disease.  I was angry he didn't tell me about his experiences of depression before he married me.  He was there and he wasn't there. We were together and we were each alone.  I was grateful for the best part of him and so angry for the parts of him he kept from me.  I survived.  Then I lived again as I went looking for "me".  I know I wasn't alone as my faith tells me that God loved me too.  And, I have held onto that fact.  I did everything I could to make a difference for him.

I was told by the coroner that I couldn't see him as he had been dead for several days and his body had started to decompose from the heat of the car.  He was cremated and I kept his ashes on the mantle in my living room for several years and would talk to him when I needed.  His family, even his ex-wife wanted the ashes to do what they wanted to do as far as burying them.  At the end of the third year following his death,  I drove them to his parents' grave site and made arrangements for them to be interred near by.  I remember him in my prayers.  It has been 12 years now.


After Marykay wrote this, we responded back and forth by email.  She made a good point about the meaning of doing this for herself and I would like to share it:

OMG!  It took almost four hours to write as it did tap into those experiences which I thought were a part of my past.  However, as I wrote it and read it to Mike [her husband now], I think I am so lucky to have moved beyond it.  The girls have moved ahead.  All of us have a respect for this experience we all went through.  And, respect for David's memory has been a part of the healing.  I have gained some insight into my own journey which brought me here.  I now share much with Mike regarding losing a spouse [his first wife died of cancer].  It was a different process, but it was the same.


I shared my experience of David's suicide on August 31,2014.  My blog is at racheljerdin.blogspot.com   If you go here, you can scroll down to it.  The title was            The Impact of Suicide.

From a blog  by The Shiksa and the Urban Girl.  This one is specifically on loss:

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=784095138302937&substory_index=0&id=695008073878311

I think we need a language for grief and bereavement .  I'm talking about what we can say to each other when we are hurting so bad from a loss.  I do say and have said I'm sorry for your loss.  But, this doesn't really cut it. Of course someone would be sorry, but that doesn't help me.   The things that were most helpful were when people were willing to listen and be with me. What words have helped you?  What action done really meant a lot to you?  It may not be the same for all of us but I think there would be something genuine, from the heart and from a vulnerable place we all can go to when connecting with another person.  

This is My great grandson waiting at the doctor's office.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10204264246517741&substory_index=0&id=1575518000

I'm getting stronger in therapy and I have much less pain.  Linda Mather is an excellent occupational therapist.  I don't expect to be all "fixed up" when I end my treatment after five more sessions, but I know I'll get better.  It is very heartening!  

My watercolor class with Carol Bradshaw was very good. We watch her do it, then we do it. My hot air balloon improved a lot. I didn't work much on my pumpkin, but will do more. We are also working on a beach scene and learning to do clouds. It was fun!

This one barely started - Sand Dunes at the Beach

Hot Air Balloon

Pumpkin

I had my last class with Nina Landgraff at Bakersfield College. I learned a lot. Of course, a lot of it was repetition from the last class I had with her.  Really enjoyed this. I did my homework mostly with pen this time. See below. Others did some great work. It was impressive to see what people did.  I'd continue to take classes from her when they are offered.

Boxes Going to the Same Vanishing Point - Done in Graphite

Drawing Textures in Ink

Using Textures for fish Scale, Eyes, Horn, and Feet Done in Ink

Squirrel done in Ink and Charcoal

I met a friend I hadn't seen in years, Jeanne at Mimi's Cafe. We got to know each other when we worked in hospice together (she is an RN) and it also was when I was initially diagnosed with breast cancer, had surgery and then chemo. She has a special place in my heart.  We had an excellent team at the time.  We all felt our work was a "calling". We had a wonderful leader in Susan who also had a great sense of humor. We were very supportive of each other and we all felt we were growing with the experience.  It was the best working situation I was ever in.  The patients and their families all helped us grow.   We talked about reading and what we like.  I told her my favorite escapist literature has been The series by Diana Gabaldon starting with Dragonfly in Amber and the other being J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter.  I never thought I would get into either style of book, but they were great and they both have a huge following.  Jeanne lost her husband of quite a few years about three years ago.  She was his caregiver for a long time because he had become so ill.  She remarried a year ago and is now doing very well.  She reads my blog because it normalizes some of the feelings she has.  

Janet and I got together at Mexicali's.  I vent to Janet when we get together.  Not much but it allows me to let it go and get on with life.  I really am very fortunate.

So Michael Feit came to my rescue in explaining how to put the pictures on my blog.  Got it! Thanks Mike!  I really do appreciate it.

I think this enough for today.  I hope you are doing well.  If anyone is in a place that they are willing to share like my friend Marykay did, please send it to me.  I would be glad to help edit it if it is needed.

I'll see you next Sunday.        Rachel

Life Changes and Keeping Up

I was not getting how to do a wash in watercolor. I sit right next to Carol and she tells me "stop" (several times), and "you need to move faster".  Actually, I appreciate what she says and does. Watching her do it really helps for me to get the idea. She said the most important thing we needed to learn was to do a wash, whether flat or graded.  So one thing I am getting is the language of water color. I am practicing this and hope to have a better picture soon.  On my first try at doing a hot air balloon,  I didn't wet the paper; but I did that on the second try.  I also used a sienna for the red instead of the red I was supposed to on the first one.  I can't show you these pictures from my iPhone.  Previous pictures taken will come up,l but now ones I took today.  If anyone knows a way around this, I'd appreciate it.  Otherwise, if I don't have a pictures taken much earlier, it won't get on my blog.


I'm also doing a pumpkin, but had a problem with the area around the pumpkin making a "bloom" where there is separation in the paint as a result of the wetness in the paper not being even.  At least that is my understanding of it. 

My class with Nina Landgraff is also going well. It seems that several students dropped out. She had given us homework, but it isn't graded and she said  "who would I call if you didn't do your homework?"  It was a funny discussion.  I enjoy her.   We worked on perspective this week and next week we will work on proportions.  Then, that is the end of that class.  Boo hoo!  I've really enjoyed it.  Next term she wants to do a class something like Art Therapy.  I go to the Art for Healing program at Mercy Hospital and wonder if it would be different. I will sign up, because I am learning things.

I was not supposed to put any shading.  The assignment was to do it completely with lines.  She wanted the lighter lines to be further back and darker lines forward.  I am sitting in my arm chair with my leg propped on a box.

This one is with charcoal.  We were to blend row lines in the background to make it look further away..  Darker is generally closer.

Mt friend Janet wanted to go somewhere different for our dinner out this last week but she had no idea where.  We both agreed to explore and I found where I wanted to go.  It is called Kabob House and stated it was Persian food.  So now my iPhone downloads the address, etc. when I'm looking for it on my iPhone.  Anyway, we went to the area we thought it was and didn't see it.  I read the address again and I see E, so I'm thinking it is East White Lane.  That address was in the middle of no where.  Janet was a little anxious and I kept saying "It's an adventure".  We ended up on dirt roads and seeing signs "Private Property", "Keep Out!" "Do Not Trespass!".  We finally were in this one spot that we would have to go forward to turn around, but those types of signs were all over the place.  Very nerve wracking.  Janet says "you'll have to go forward to turn around there.  There is no place here."  Which was true.  These houses were very, very, very nice.  We had bad fantasies of drug trafficking, but we really didn't know.  It was just so weird to see places like this that most people would never consider moving to when seen from a distance.  So I finally agreed to call (I felt like I was imitating my husband Paul who loathed to call and get directions), and we found out it was where we started right next to a Starbucks.  Okay, so the food was good, really tasty and reasonable.  No alcoholic drinks.  So we had a great dinner there and then went to the Mexican restaurant two suites down and we each got a drink afterwards.  So where did the E come from?  That was my fault.  It was located in a strip mall and they were in Suite E.  Ugh!

I have six more sessions of occupational therapy.  I do notice an ability to move more, though it is still painful and I have a ways to go to have the range of my left hand. So I know it isn't going to be all better at the end of therapy, I will continue to do the work she has given me, plus just using my right hand more and more.  But I fear I'll somehow  break it because I'll lift something too heavy.  When I see my doctor, I'll ask him about this.

So Jennifer and I parted ways. Our lifestyles are just too different. She had also been staying a lot with her niece and also her daughter, so she has places to stay.  I like seeing my children and grandkids, but I need my own space.  I have no control over how things go and it doesn't fit my lifestyle. I'm sure Jennifer didn't find it appealing either. 

A note from one of my friends, Jody (a psychiatrist) regarding finding work with adequate pay was worth sharing.  So here it is:

"The kids should go to a trade school and become electricians, plumbers, gardeners; do something that cannot be outsourced to India.  That is what I tell everyone who hopes to still be employed 30 years from now.  India is doing work for the big USA law firms at $15 an hour while the USA firm is billing the client at  $400 an hour for that work; the USA currently has a glut of attorneys. 

If they want a degree,  go into nursing.  you might have to be a CNA  while you become a LVN and work as a LVN for a couple of years while waiting to be accepted to a RN program.  If you're a male you will be made an administrator so being afraid of the sight of blood is ok.

jody the sometimes practical one"

I'm hoping there will be equality in the work place in the not too distant future and my granddaughters can go for the administrative jobs too. There are positions for women, but discrimination still exists in the work place.  I certainly felt it and other women have shared the same experience.   I also think that a Physician's Assistant and Nurse Practitioner are very good jobs and can pay well.  I like Social Work, but that does require an advance degree and doesn't pay nearly as well as nursing.

I had lunch with my grandson Billy and his wife Meagan with my great grandson Conner in tow. Very alert and trying to talk. We ate at the Olive Garden. I had spaghetti.  Sauce was tasty but I would prefer my pasta al dente.  Too soft for my taste. I had a glass of Cabernet. I enjoyed meeting with them.  It has been a while for just getting together.  Well I was prepared to pay but Billy beat me to the bill and insisted on paying.  He said, "You've paid for me when I couldn't pay.  I appreciated it and I want to give back".  That was so nice!  I also found out he bought a used car that is running okay, so he has more freedom.  It looks good too and is around the age of my car.

The new family Meagan, Billy and Conner.
There is another on the way. but no details yet.  Meagan
came into the marriage with four adopted children from
her brother.  She is a great mom and will do well with Conner!

Three generations Grandma Rachel, Grandson Billy and
Great-Grandson Conner

What a cute cowboy!

Conner now sits up!

Billy misses family and friends in Texas where he grew up. They are looking to setting up a time to go to Texas. He has to get vacation time and enough money saved to get them there.   He is earning a little more money that this is a possibility. 

Today my daughter Shelley and I went out for brunch at Anita's on 178.  Great brunch and the setting is fine.  Anyway, Shelley and I don't get together very much and I really like seeing her.  Her son Kevin wanted to do a film for his class assignment due this next Friday.  He was getting together the facts and whatever else was needed to do the filming so he and Shelley would be doing the shoot today.  

My granddaughter Meghan has been doing roles in short films for a friend.  I get a kick out of seeing her and can see her moving to more involved roles in the entertainment industry.  She is just skilled that way.

A cancer patient has scheduled the date of her death. I can understand this. I'm not in her position yet. I feel that as long as I can live life the way I want to, I can continue. When I have pain as a result of my terminal illness or loss of function that I find humiliating to have others help, I could see me doing this. Here is the article:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/10/08/terminally-ill-brittany-maynard-29-has-scheduled-her-death-for-nov-1/

And watch the video with Brittany and her family talking about death with dignity and what she wanted before she died. Touching.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=866461156727691&id=146422995398181

Here is a list from Wimp.com of what people stated were their regrets when they were at the end of their lives. 

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=695162397242357&id=100002458087969

So the idea here is to live life the way you want, because when your time is up, there usually isn't much time or energy to make up for what you didn't get a chance to do. For me, I want to make memories for family, friends and me.  That is what is most important to me. 

That is it for the week.  You have a good week and I'll see you next Sunday.       Rachel

When Your Kids and Grandkids are Having Trouble Getting Jobs

My daughter Jennifer has been filling in applications for jobs and turning them in with her redone resume. I think job hunting has become harder for people these days.  Even those who get jobs are getting paid less, get less benefits, having to take part time jobs, work multiple jobs and work split shifts. If I weren't  watching what some of my kids and grandkids are going through, I really wouldn't have a full understanding of how bad it is. It is stressful and depressing. 

The thing I require is to take the job search as a full time job in itself.  That is a lot, but necessary to get out of this spot. For my younger family members I would urge them to consider further schooling or training to increase their skills  to broaden their opportunities in getting work that could pay an adequate wage.  Minimum wage is far from adequate.  Keep a good resume and dress for the job search.  I cannot do this for them and I resent feeling used because I'm around .

I'm trying to set limits which is difficult with people you love, but really, I don't think I'm helping, just enabling. It encourages them to not make changes in what they do.  Some things they do are not working.  I don't believe they want to hear from me about this, but at the same time I don't have to deal with it if I don't desire. 

My art class with Carol Bradshaw is going well. She does not feel I'll become a botanical artist. I would agree with her. My problem is having a tremor and very poor vision for detail. So this affects the direction my art is going. Interesting to consider physical limitations in what I can do. I don't feel bad about it, it just is.  I'm having difficulty getting my pictures on here.  I think it is because I'm not understanding how to use a Mac.  Perhaps next week I can show you.  I'm working on a color wheel and I will have a hot air balloon ready for class.  I think I'm a little intimidated by it, but I'm not giving up.

Occupational therapy is going well. She did note that it was impressive that I wasn't having pain. I told her "but I am".   I think because I don't express it, the assumption is that there is no pain. So then I started verbalizing when I did have pain. My concern is that I expect there will be pain. When do you "buck up" or tell others there is pain?  I'm willing to accept a certain amount of pain, otherwise I would do nothing. 

Related to this, my friend Marti in my Red Hat group asked me how do I not get more tired with what I do. That is a good question. I actually can get very tired and was desiring at that moment to go home and lie down in bed.  But, what I try for are breaks in between events to regenerate.  Usually this works. I cannot go on and on. I will pay for it in pain and exhaustion.  I keep a calendar to schedule events to space events as I can.

I enjoy  getting together with my Red Hat gals. This month it was at The Woolgrowers, a tasty Basque restaurant.  The problem was that we were put in the main dining room. It was too noisy!  I could hear the women next to me, but I was lost with all other discussions. Those by me stated they were having the same problem. 

I had my second class with Nina Landgraff at Bakersfield College. I did some shading on the tennis shoe we did. I wasn't supposed to do that. It was only supposed to be a line drawing withe heaviness of line indicating if it was closer or farther away.  Then she had us copy a landscape picture using charcoal.  Now, I did this last term with her, but she has brought up new information which is stimulating. This year she asked us to do these in charcoal. We watched her do it, so I have a better sense of how to do it. 

I was tired at chemotherapy this week. I get caught up reading too late which makes me short of sleep.

I wet to my friend Annemarie's home by train to go with her to a fund raiser. I went out the day before to get a couple of clothing items to somewhat blend with the group (a country western theme). 

This event was a fund raiser for a children's garden and museum which will be in Hanford. It will take several years to complete this project, but how wonderful it will be!

This morning we went out for breakfast and Tone joined us. I don't get to see Tone much and she's a wonderful person.  We went to an organic farm to pick some Fuyu persimmons which have the texture of an apple. We were given permission to pick a few even if we missed the owner Jeannie. She has a community garden and people join and pay $500 for 6 months of vegetables and fruit that they pick up once a week.. What ever herbs they have you may take and fruits can be had for $1 per basket or pound. Very impressive. She and Annemarie are friends and I met her at that fundraiser and I invited her to the next Helping One Woman and she said she would come.  I also told Tone. It would be a good way to see good friends I don't get to see often enough.

Here is Coco and Conner singing

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10204172746230291&substory_index=0&id=1575518000

Here Conner is letting his mom that he is angry

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10204172746230291&substory_index=1&id=1575518000

Several people let me know that the link to one of the posts, Facing Paul's Death did not work. This is the link to all my posts:

HTTP:/racheljerdin.blogspot.com

Okay.  That's it for the week.  Hope your week went well and this next week will be good too!  See you next Sunday.          Rachel