Contemplating and Reflecting, Getting Grounded

Billy, my grandson has gone back to school to get a better paying job to support his family. This is his first week at Bakersfield College. He stated he didn't care for school when he was younger, so this is a big change for him. I think he is finally ready and I expect he will do well because he is selecting this himself. 

Conner, Billy and Kason
In this picture, I can see their relative sizes much better

 

My granddaughter Crystal posted a picture of Nylah.  She is one month old now.  How time passes!

Nylah is one month old.  Her eyes
are open!

I was working further on the head of my horse.  I don't care for it, but I'm trying to get a sense of what I can do with what I have.  I have these 6 Derwent color pencils that can be used wet or dry.  So that is what I used on this picture.  Much better with just the pencil, at least in my hands.

While at chemotherapy, the social worker Robin dropped by. She asked me how the holidays went. I told her they are not the same as when Paul was alive, but I'm not upset like I used to be. It is just different now, but I think I've adjusted to it. When I had my hair cut, my hairdresser and I also had this discussion. His mother died of breast cancer when he was 20 and he had a hard time with grieving. He thinks age (as did Robin, my social worker) is a factor in being or not being so involved with the holidays. I think they are right. We all expressed relief when it was over, even if we enjoyed it. I feel like the pressure is off in feeling that we must be joyous and happy all the time.   I may feel happy, but I don't have to keep up the appearance of being upbeat, positive at all times.    We don't always feel so positive anyway.  I know I don't.

I feel so fortunate to have the family and friends I have.  They mean so much to me and they all have helped in their own way in my healing.  I think it is the openness of feelings.  We really do have a lot in common, but until we are willing to open up to each other, we may not know this.  That way we find out that we are not strange, (anymore than anyone else is).  

This was a week for contemplation, where I was and where I am going.  It was good, and necessary at times to stay grounded.  I expect my next blog will be reflecting on this.  I hope your week went well.  I felt mine did.  I will see you next Sunday.                                                    Rachel  

Being Discombobulated Did Not Ruin the Week!

Barbara and I went to Urricchios for dinner and then the George Kahn Jazz and Blues Revue put on by the Bakersfield Community Concert Association.  It was great!  Janet was going to go but didn't feel well. It was so chilly I thought it would snow.  Other people were thinking that too. We rarely get snow, but it does happen. 

I had my art class with Carol.  Wayne was there and another woman Rolene  who has hung her art in the gallery. She wanted to work on drawing a lion. Wayne has done a beautiful portrait of a young girl - top notch!  I worked on my lion and will frame it soon. My horse is not there yet, but it is improving.  Jolene said the problem with the last picture of my horse was that the front legs were not below the withers.  "What's a wither?.  She pointed to a slight bum below the neck.  It is good to have others in the class, because you get more feedback.  Having Carol to myself helped me with the personal attention I needed then.  Now Carol will be off having surgery and recovering, so no class until sometime in mid-March.  I have plans to visit people out of the area during that time so I didn't sign up for any other art classes.  I will work on what I have been doing.

My lion is finished.  I like him!

I have drawn my horse four times.  It gets better each time.
This was done on tracing paper because I transferred the
part that was okay and changed some other parts.  I got
carried away adding detail.  I will do it on good paper.
Still needs work on it.

My friend Victor came to go over what he  had written. I felt it all hung together much better. We met at a new Sushi restaurant called Jin Sushi. I got sushi, a seaweed salad and saki. Very fresh and tasty. Vic had the Bibimbap and loved it.  He got there early having car problems and walked around.  He found some restaurants close by to try in the future. We went into a couple of antique stores. One had a lot of Red Hats. They were inexpensive so I bought a couple. 

I became discombobulated on Friday. I got together with friends I used to work with in a cabin we rented for one night in Three Rivers. So getting ready to go, I was handling a lot of issues. Since I've had a mastectomy, I use a silicone breast  prosthesis I put in my bra to make me even. When I took off to join my friends two hours away, I realized I left my purse at home.  I had put some Tylenol PM in my purse because I don't sleep well without it. I had no money to stop and buy more. I had my iPhone because I was listening to a book. I got there at 3 pm, but the first to show up after me was Annemarie at 4:10.  Soon after Lynette and her husband Simon showed up. My cell phone had poor reception, but the did get my message that I was there, I forgot my purse and I needed Tylenol. They sent me several messages, but I didn't get them. When we got inside the cabin, the temperature was 48 degrees F.  They had a phone in the cabin and a router.  I was able to get good WiFi reception. We called out other friend Marc to let him know we were there. He lives in Three Rivers and we were celebrating his 70th birthday. He had Benadryl which works well for sleep. Simon made a wonderful stew we had on a smashed baked potato, with a Kale salad and butternut squash.  So now the cabin is toasty warm, so I remove my sweatshirt. As I'm walking around I have this sense that something was wrong. Well, I put the silicone breast prosthesis on the wrong breast looking incredibly lopsided!  We played scrabble, drank wine and nibbled water crackers with goat cheese with red grapes and strawberries on the side.

Marc and Lynette playing Scrabble with a board
for those of us with very bad vision.  We are in
the cabin we rented for the night. 

Lynette and Simon

I have no idea why I didn't take a picture of Annemarie on
this trip!  But, she did give me this gorgeous pottery piece
she made.  I don't feel that deserving, but I love it.  She
wants a copy of the picture of my lion, so I will send her that.

 They also picked up a chocolate, chocolate cake with raspberry jam to wish him a happy birthday.  We gave him a picture we took this last summer of us girls who worked with him.   I left after breakfast (a wonderful frittata made by Annemarie) the next morning. The sky was getting very dark, indicating a significant weather change and I was going out to dinner with Janet and Barbara and then a concert. 

Our present for Marc.  We worked as a team with him.
Annemarie framed it.
Annemarie, Me and Lynette

My granddaughter-in-law, Meagan posted this picture of Conner and Kason.  I really can't tell them apart in a picture like this except for she said Conner fell asleep immediately, so that helps in identification.

Conner and Kason

I found my purse in my study. It started raining within a half-hour of returning home. I worked some on my blog but also took a nap. Barbara picked me up and we met Janet at Bill Lee's, a popular Chinese restaurant in town. Janet gave us our tickets for the Bakersfield Symphony Orchestra and the Bakersfield College Choir. What an excellent show!  Very professional playing by the orchestra and the choir was very good.  By the time we got to the auditorium, I had lost my ticket!  The three of us looked through my purse, pockets and around my seat. It was nowhere to be found!  After explaining to the ticket taker what happened, they let me in. The conductor Stilian Kirov is from Bulgaria. He was young and full of energy. The audience connected to him, giving several standing ovations. It seemed that the orchestra was very responsive to his directing giving a wonderful performance. The program was Home for the Holidays, a nice mix of Christmas Music. Hannah, Janet's granddaughter was in the Bakersfield Choir.   I feel proud of what Bakersfield is producing in the Arts!  There was a time, I was not impressed.  They have come a long way!

The Bakersfield Symphony Orchestra and The
Bakersfield College Choir in the
Harvey Auditorium at
Bakersfield High School.

I'm heading up to the mountains to a potluck at my teacher's home in Kernville.  I will go while it is daylight with the plan to come back tomorrow morning if the weather is okay.  Carol told me to dress comfortably and warm.  Good!  That is what I would have done.  I'm bringing the fixings for my green salad which goes over well wherever I take it.

That is it for the week.  I haven't started wrapping anything for Christmas, so that is what I will be working on when I get home.  I had been worried about doing too many things this weekend, but I had a break in between each event and that really makes the difference.

I hope you had a good week and I will see you next Sunday.                    Rachel

Holiday Lights, Potlucks and a Christmas Puppet Show

BLOG

I went with my friend Barb to an Audubon potluck and auction.   They did a nice puppet show. 

There were nine puppets with two women controlling them.
They presented different holiday situations told in poetry.
Lovely!

It occurred to me we are the generation of casseroles.   I make a salad of some kind to break up the starchiness of the casseroles.  I brought a green salad and it was almost all eaten.  What variety of food.  In the silent auction there was a used electric Yamaha organ. I bid on it and got it. I used to play the piano, so this is exciting. Then they had a auction caller. Barb and I checked out what they had and we were interested a tour of Tejon Ranch Conservancy. Including us, we can have 6 people. I picked my daughter Shelley and friend Janet. By Barbara and I splitting the cost of this, we were able to go higher and win the bid. Now Barb needs to pick two people. We want to wait until the weather is milder. We will pack a gourmet lunch and wine. 

This is the Yamaha I got sitting on my dining room table.

If you are interested in what we will see when we do the tour of the Tejon Ranch Conservancy, go here.  There are pictures, a blog, a write up on what they want to accomplish. and other information.

Tejon Ranch Conservancy

Wayne came back to art class!  Yeah!  I enjoyed him and he is very talented so that is good. Linda was also there, so we actually had a "class". We started on lions and next week is our last class until sometime in March.  Carol will have surgery, then have rehabilitation. My plan is to work on transferring  drawings from tracing to  drawing paper by measuring and blocking it.  I've never fully understood this, but in class, we used this technique in drawing lions.  We have done this before, but I think I'm just beginning to get this.  Linda picked up on the problem with my deer.  I thought it was the bent back leg, but she felt I needed to put a little angle on the front back leg.  That solved the problem.  I showed them my horse, but I was embarrassed by it.  They felt just a little work would do it.  So, I re-did it.  It looks better, but something is still off.  While Carol is off, I'm going to work on the pictures that I have.  And finally, I did a lion.  Though, it may be a little off, I like him.  He is sitting on his haunches, somewhat to the side.  I can't seem to show all the skin that is wrinkled, but I got the idea.  Also, he had a lot of hair, not just in front, but underneath and to the sides of his belly.  I never noticed that before.

My deer continues to improve!

She is improving, no longer a cartoon, but she is still off on
proportion.  I think it is the legs mostly.

I like him!  He has character!

Janet and I went to the Holiday Lights at the California Living Museum (CALM).  We really enjoyed it!  It wasn't quite as cold as last year. I bought these Hot packs to attach to my socks at my toes and to also place in my pockets.  The Christmas lights were timed with the Christmas music.   It was all so lovely. After, we went to The Red Pepper to top the evening off. 

Janet at The Holiday Lights at CALM

Me at The Holiday Lights at Calm

So here is another picture of Conner and Kason.  They are a year apart, and they look like twins to me!

My great grandsons Conner and Kason

My granddaughter Crystal is ready to deliver Nylah Marie this month.  She is more than ready.  She feels fat and ugly, though none of us feel she is.  She is just a beautiful young pregnant woman.  She is running out of clothes to wear and feels very unattractive.  I have heard this from others, so I think this is common.  She and Lorence got an apartment.  She came to borrow money to get cleaning supplies, but I had a lot here and gave it to her.  I think things will be so much better after Nylah arrives.

I did see my primary Doctor, Doctor Quiogue. She had breast cancer and chemo and recently returned.  She used to have long straight hair. Now it is short and curly. She looks lovely the way it is, but my friends whose hair did this eventually returned to how it looks before chemo. She said she will leave it short because there is little to do when leaving the house. It saves a lot of time. So I told her my right hip joint was really hurting for about six weeks. She felt it and told me I had bursitis. She gave me a cortisone injection in that point and now it feels a lot better. She gave me instructions on exercises which will help with this. She also had me get lab work done. I'm so glad I saw her.

Here is an excellent description of grieving. This is how it has been for me. 

http://www.thatericalper.com/2015/08/16/person-is-asking-for-advice-hn-how-to-deal-with-grief-this-reply-is-incredible/

So, I liked the week.  It was not completely filled, which is the way I need it.  I have events scheduled this next week that I am looking forward to.  I really hope your week went well and I will see you next Sunday.    Rachel

Forest Falls

My niece Kerri Buttler shared this article "Everything Doesn't Happen for a Reason",  wanting my opinion. She's a very loving person.  For herself, she feels there must be a meaning for her suffering.  I don't  agree with this for all situations.  I was horrified with people who would say to me "it was meant to be", "you'll grow from this"," you must be stronger", etc.   I was offended by this.  I felt it was making light of my pain. I do understand some of why people say this besides actually believing this and/or they don't know what else to say. But, it meant so much more when someone was willing to just be with me. I know it is uncomfortable, but that is what I needed. I wouldn't want anyone to feel guilty because they weren't doing it right.  And, yes, I did grow in time from what happened to me. I don't think I was better that someone else that I did this. I think I just had the right type of support that allowed that to happen. It is a very heavy burden to put on someone that they were responsible for what happened.  In their own process of grieving, they may come to this if it makes sense to him or her. But, I do not want to hear from someone about what I should do, be or feel. I think it is presumptuous of others to do this.

Here is the article written by Tim Lawrence.  It is well written and thoughtful. 

http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/10/19/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reason

If you are interested in other articles Tim Lawrence has written or to know more about him, go here:  http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/                                                 

.................... 

Last Sunday, my daughter Shelley and I went to my niece Shannon's and her husband Patrick's home in Forest Falls.  It was about a 3 1/2 hour drive.  Shannon's mom Kerri, also my niece, was visiting and I had not seen her for several years. It was wonderful seeing her and Shannon. Shannon was recovering from a punctured lung which happened when the chair she was in flipped backward. I think it was good that Kerri was here, though she was also very limited because of physical disabilities. They had one restaurant, Mexican, a favorite on the West Coast which was quite good and reasonably priced.  Shannon and Patrick's home has a beautiful view of the mountain and a waterfall from their backyard.  So here are a few pictures from that trip. I'm so pleased that Shannon's family is doing well.  I'm hoping that Kerri and her husband will consider moving back to California (from Washington).  There wouldn't be "years" between visits.  Kerri is exploring how they could move to Forest Falls too.

Shelley and Me

Kerri, Shannon, Kaleb and Shelley

Kerri, Shannon and Shelley- The Cousins

Kerri, Me and Shelley

Patrick, Shannon and Kerri
At the Local Mexican Restaurant

Shelley went on a walk the next morning and took some beautiful pictures.  She has really become a very good photographer!  The first picture is of the waterfall behind their home.  Somewhat dry, but it has run heavily when we had quite a bit of rain recently. 

There was no art class this week, but I did work on my friend Janet's dog Poopy. She doesn't want any white on his eye. My reason for the white was reflection, so I made it much less. And my cat Pepper needs the hair blended more. What you would see is all black except for above the lip and the triangle under her chin. The rest is light reflection, but it doesn't quite look like that.  So more work there too.

Poopy
Attempting to get the reflection in his eyes

Pepper
Worked on the shading more.

Poopy in another pose.
More reflection in his eyes.

I got together with my friend Janet at Mexicali's. While there, she invited me to a performance her granddaughter Hannah was in.  It was The Bakersfield College Choir and Chamber Singers, along with Centennial High Chamber Singers and the Marvin Ramey's Experience Dance Studio. The title of the performance was Haunted Melodies. Excellent singing with very complicated riffs in some of the songs. The staging, decorations and the scary voices were nice touches. There were so many people there that many were standing in the aisles to see when all the seats were taken. But the Fire Marshall came and made them leave. I think this is a new theater, but it is fairly small.  The price was right. It was a donation. They asked for $10 for general admission, and $5 for students, staff and seniors. Though there were some people with no money and they got in. That is how a donation works.  I had looked up events at Bakersfield College and this was not listed.  I want to be informed of events to decide if my friends and I would like to go.  I'm not sure where to look.  If anyone knows, please inform me.  I would appreciate it.

My neighbor Celeste gave me the menu for the Renegade Room at Bakersfield College. They have a cooking school and they prepare lunch one day a week and dinner two nights a week. She said the food was excellent and wanted me to go with her one time. The date she picked I could not do, but I found another day that worked. I called in reservations for three to include Janet. Celeste said most of the spots were taken, so hopefully what day I selected works. I could only leave a message, but if there is a problem, I assume they will call.   They have been here for years.  I can't say why I've never gone.  I really look forward to this.

I got a call from the Bakersfield Concert Association which is soliciting more membership and donations.  My friend Janet joined and I gave a donation.  I hope others consider joining.  It really would be a shame if this group folded.  They have brought wonderful concerts to us.  I actually feel that a lot more people would like this if they heard it.  If  you are interested in becoming a member which is eight concerts a year for $80, or, giving a donation, go here:

http://www.bakersfieldcca.org

............................

This is a good article about end-of-life treatment from the Harvard Medical School Healthbeat.  They don't charge for things like this they send as an email.  They have many articles that go into much more depth if you are interested.  They charge around $20 or so if you order these.  Go here to see what they have.

http://www.health.harvard.edu

5 commonly held myths about end-of-life issues Some people don't have a health care power of attorney or living will because they don't realize how important these documents are. Others worry that such documents mean they are signing their lives away. Not so. These powerful documents make sure that you get the treatment you would want for yourself if you couldn't communicate your wishes. Here are a few myths that shouldn't get in the way of creating a health care power of attorney or living will: Myth: More care is always better. Truth: Not necessarily. Sometimes more care prolongs the dying process without respect for quality of life or comfort. It's important to know what interventions are truly important. It's often impossible to know that in advance. That's where the advice of a health care team is invaluable. Myth: Refusing life support invalidates your life insurance, because you are committing suicide. Truth: Refusing life support does not mean that you are committing suicide. Instead, the underlying medical problem is considered to be the cause of death. Myth: If medical treatment is started, it cannot be stopped. Truth: Not starting a medical treatment and stopping a treatment are the same in the eyes of the law. So you or your health care agent can approve a treatment for a trial period that you think may be helpful, without any fear that you can't change your mind later. However, be aware that stopping treatment can be more emotionally difficult than not starting it in the first place. Myth: If you refuse life-extending treatments, you're refusing all treatments. Truth: No matter what treatments you refuse, you should still expect to receive any other care you need or want — especially the pain and symptom management sometimes called intensive comfort care. Myth: Stopping or refusing artificial nutrition and hydration causes pain for someone who is dying. Truth: Unlike keeping food or water from a healthy person, for someone who is dying, declining artificial nutrition or intravenous hydration does not cause pain. For more on setting goals for end-of-life care and avoiding common pitfalls, buy Living Wills, a Special Health Report from Harvard Medical School. .................................. I actually had down-time even with all this.  I need to do that because I crash and have to rest.  I took full advantage of that.  This was a good week.  I hope yours went well too.  I will see you next Sunday.      Rachel