Is It Back?

I took a flight out of LAX to see friends in Oregon.   So I stayed with my high school friend Barbara who lives about a half hour from the airport. I had left my coat there on my last visit, so I was able to collect it while there. Though my visit was short, I'll be visiting her soon and we paid to go to our class reunion in October.   I'm thinking positively.

I got a chance to visit my friends Susan and Jennifer in Portland, Oregon.  I haven't seen them in 2 1/2 years.  It was so great to see them again!  They have such a nice home that is perfect for two people.  I gave them a picture I had done of two pears which Jennifer found a place on their living room wall.  It looked great where they put it. 

Susan and Jennifer on their
back patio

My Colored Pencil Painting of
Two Pears
Jennifer found a place on the wall

Jennifer had to work most of the time, but I saw her when we were at the house. She was on call, responding to calls at home.  Jennifer and Susan work in Hospice.  Susan took me out exploring. I loved it!  This town is a perfect fit for them.  We went to this bookstore, Powell's, the largest independent and used bookstore in the world.  It was one city block and four stories tall. I got lost on the first floor and asked a clerk how to get where I wanted. One of the books I bought was The Soul of an Octopus by Sy Montgomery.  What a great story.  This woman and others at an Aquarium develop relationships with octopuses in this setting. They actually like each other!  Such a different species it is hard to imagine, but they do.  It is a true story that is touching.  Now I can't eat octopus! 

We also went to this city block where the outside by the sidewalk was all food trucks (nothing I could see inside the block).  They had variety of foods and you could see the most popular by the lines.

Food Trucks Around a City Block

I liked this sign in a business's window

Mount Hood was completely covered with snow. It was overcast and cold while I was there but it made everything stand out and was a nice backdrop for the mountain. I was bundled well, so I was very comfortable.  I didn't get a picture!

We also went to what had been an elementary school, Kennedy School which was bought by McMenamins, they repurposed it into a hotel, bars, restaurants, movie theater (with couches and love seats!), and specialty stores. We stopped at a pub there having beer and tater tots (like we eat fries!). Though my friends think McMenamins fails at food, the settings are very creative!  They have many other buildings they have repurposed and done well with that part, but like I said, not the food. 

It was quite chilly in Portland, but I was warm
with what I wore
There were snow piles that still had not
melted

We are looking down on the bar, but there is seating
up here and a level below.  Very interesting fence to
keep people from falling made out of odds and ends
I enlarged it so you can see the details.

Susan in this neat bar - Instead of French Fries
They Do Tater Tots

We also went to a couple of stores selling used furniture, one in the industrial area by the water.  Fascinating!  We also shopped for organic food in a small independent store.  Very different from what I'm used to which made it that much more fun!

Susan is a top notch chef.  We had some meals at home that were worthy of high-end restaurants.  We also ate out at great places. I had such a wonderful time, I am hoping to return!

My trip was great. There were protesters at the airports in Portland and in LAX heading home. There were no problems.  There was singing and chanting about cutting off Muslim immigrants coming to the United States. Many of us live and work next to people who are Muslim and don't see them as a problem in our country. Perhaps if he had selected countries where terrorists from 9/11 did come from, it might make more sense, though all the Muslims I have met are peaceful. I'm not willing to write off these people.  We seem barbaric doing this and intolerant when it is the variety of people here which I believe makes us, the United States special.  I heard something on TV the other night where someone being interviewed called the president  President Von Munchhausen.   I thought it was funny for those who work in mental health. 

When I returned to LAX, I drove to my step-mom Kate's home so I wouldn't have to drive as far at night.  Actually, I haven't driven at night for a long time and I did fine. That was really a relief!

I have had an area on top of an upper rib that seems off.  I had been thinking it was the space/dent by it, that it was sinking.   Then a week ago, I woke up feeling it was tender.  I was more aware of that area.  When I went to chemotherapy,  I showed two RN's who said my Oncologist should see it. He came in at the end of my treatment and asked me how long I have known about it.  I said two months, but I thought it was a dent that was the issue. Then the past week I noticed it was on top of a rib. So I had a CAT scan checking all areas breast cancer can metastasize to.   I am going to see friends up north, Marykay and Mike.  I don't want to know bad news when I see them.  I would love good news, but there is no assurance of this.   

I love to do word and number problems.  What I'm noticing is that I am rarely getting the Evil level now and not getting the Hard very much.  I am down to Difficult.  I have been in a state of not wanting to get up and out, but I think this part is related to my mood. I think I was feeling down about all this. I haven't been working on my art. Then I thought about all the tasks I needed to accomplish, like changes in my checking account and doing my taxes.  So I got on a roll taking care of this and I felt more energetic and got lots of it accomplished.  Then I realized that what keeps me upbeat is being involved, being active.   When I'm really at the end, I think I'll be okay with it.  Watching my father and husband, when they were letting go, they were obviously ready for it to be over.  Seeing this, I believe I will be similar. 

I missed some art classes, partly because of what I was doing and other reasons why class was canceled.  I couldn't get myself motivated to work on my art. I called my teacher Carol letting her know what I was going through, that I had done nothing and thinking I shouldn't go. She said there was no problem if I didn't go, but she thought I'd feel better if I went. She was right.  I'm glad I went.  We are working on rocks again, but using colored pencils. One assignment I did not do was a weathered door. At class, fellow classmate Peggy shared what she did. It was awesome!  Ready to be framed.  So I don't think I'll give up on that.  Her work was stimulating to me, the jump start I needed!  Another classmate Roline took one of my digital pictures of my kitties Pepper and Daisy and did a wonderful portrait of them, though they look younger than they are. I was talking with my friend Janet and she felt that just like people their faces draw down as they get older. Huh!   I hadn't thought of that, but maybe so.  I loved it!  So I bought it and will have it framed.

My Kitties, Pepper and Daisy
Done by Roline Loung
a classmate in my art class

I read articles and books. I want to hear about others experiences with their own death or of someone close to them.  Our reactions are universal in a lot of respects even if we have individual idiosyncrasies. I noted this in hospice when I was a social worker.  Since we don't know about it until our time has come, I want to understand what I can beforehand. Some people think we know from near death experiences, and, maybe we do, I want to know what I can know.  And, I want my family to know this.   It lessens my anxiety and fear and I hope it lessens their anxiety and fear. 

This first one was from NPR and was heard on Fresh Air.

How far do you go to stop death?

This one came from Wimp.com

How I changed after the death of a parent.

And I really like this. I have already made arrangements where my ashes will go (by Paul), but if I hadn't done this, I love this idea!

A great way to replenish Earth with trees.

The grieving need you most after the funeral.  By John Pavlovitz at his site johnpavlovitz.com 

 The grieving need you most after the funeral.

There are physical pain associated with a breakup or loss of someone you love. I felt it intensely and it doesn't feel good. This is very brief pointing out the effects of a breakup or loss of a person you were very close to.   This is from IFLScience.com

We also have physical pain with grieving.

And, finally this from NPR

Always go to the funeral

So next time I write, I'll know the results from the CAT Scan and if something needs to be done, hopefully, I'll be doing it. I also hope I have a picture or two to share.   I do hope you are doing well and I'll be here next month.           Rachel

Mother's Day - Partly Sad for Those We Miss and Good for Those There

91 year old Flossie Lewis shares what it is like to be old. I like her take on it!  This is from PBS NewsHour. 

https://www.facebook.com/pbs/posts/10153688224572169

I saw my primary Doctor because of what sounded like a squeaky heart beat. My doctor assured me it was not from my heart but from my ear.  It is my pulse echoing in my ear.   It is not life threatening

I also got my antidepressant increased.  I have felt for quite a while that I have had real lows, especially at night. My doctor said I didn't seem like a depressed person. I said it is a problem when I'm alone and usually at night. I think this will help me. 

I have to have another Colonoscopy.  Ugh!  The preparation is the worst.  I'm not totally together when I have this procedure, so that is not an issue.   I will call tomorrow to get a date.

At my chemo this week a new pharmacist who mixes what I take, Troy, introduced himself. He then asked if I had questions and I asked if Herceptin, the chemotherapy I take wrecks nails. He said, if there was an issue, less than 1% complained about that. He said hair and nails are pure protein and he suspected I didn't get enough protein. He suggested I take a multivitamin for getting trace minerals and vitamins. And, he said eggs are an easy protein to get.  He told me that with a life threatened (like cancer for me) cholesterol was not a problem.  He also said my weight was good. I said I was overweight and he said, "Not bad. You need to keep a little weight on you to help you if you run into trouble."  So I did pick up vitamins.  I do keep eggs around, but I'll make a point of having one a day. 

My neighbor Bryan shared information with me on this organization that delivers 10 pounds of organic fruits and vegetables on a schedule you select. It is $30 each box and I got it this week.  The organization is nonprofit and called Hopeful Harvest (hopefulharvest.com) . There was a head of lettuce, green beans, green bell peppers, avocados, lemons, apples and oranges this time. I think I'll make stuffed peppers. Money goes to families in crisis with children in the hospital.  It is more than I can eat, but I gave most of it to my daughter Shelley and a little to my granddaughter Heather.

My friend Barbara is sending emails on her tour of England, Ireland and Scotland and Wales.  Her ancestors came from there. Initially I was going to go with her, but the exhaustion I was feeling was so limiting that I thought I would rarely get out of the bus or if we stayed more than one night in a room, I might sleep my time there.   So that seemed like such a waste.  Perhaps my energy will pick up later, but I'm glad that I have traveled a lot, especially with Paul, so I don't feel too bad about missing this. I look forward to more details and pictures from her. 

My friend Janet's birthday was this week. We went to Uricchio's to celebrate.  It was a great time. The rain started up again and I thought I was hearing thunder, but it was so loud from all the talking with the restaurant completely filled, it was hard to tell. Our waitress took a picture of us.

Picture of Janet and me. At my art class with Carol, she reviewed my pictures (which was mostly positive) and then we worked on how many pictures we can get out of one picture. Since the next subject is elephants, I brought in the one picture, then made 6 black and white copied. Then I picked out areas I thought could be a picture to stand on its own. I glued each one I cut putting it in the middle of a paper. So if I do this, I could call it "Elephant Study".   We had done something like this in the beginning which I did with sea shells.  No class this week. I'll see her the following week.  I'll have pictures next week.

We had some wild weather. While it was very noisy at my home, at Janet's home 10 miles away, it was bone dry.  We had mudslides in mountain passes, over flowing creeks, and with a burst of rain coming down in a very short time, there was flooding in some areas.  I'm a little higher which means it isn't too likely to flood where I am.  This ground cannot handle so much rain in so short a time. This is a very dry area and we are subject to flash flooding when it gets like this. 

I finished this book called We Know How This Ends: Living While Dying by Bruce H. Kramer and Cathy Wurzer.  Bruce had ALS and Cathy interviewed him on NPR in Minnesota. He had been writing a blog, then spoke with Cathy several times and after his death, it was made into a book. Bruce shared how this dis ease (how he likes to see it) took him down and each time he had to see his state as the new normal.  He felt looking back at how active he had been was very hard since it never was to be again.  Love was the one constancy that made the changes bearable and he actually gives credit to ALS in opening him to a much deeper understanding of love and knowing what was important.  Good book for anyone going through a life threatening illness and all who want to know about this final step.  You will grow. 

Today is Mother's Day. Jennifer and Shelley with their children came.  My granddaughter Kayla (Jennifer's daughter) came in the morning to help get the place in order, buy the food and prepare it with me. Jennifer's daughter Crystal brought her daughter Nylah.  We  made asparagus quiche, a Mexican breakfast casserole and fruit salad. We had orange juice, chai tea, coffee and Mimosas.  It was a lovely time together as always. No rain and the temperature is a comfortable  71 to 75 degrees. Our weather has been all over the map. So now it is comfortable to go outside and smell the blossoms. Very heady!

Kayla, my granddaughter was my helper today and I
don't think it would have gone so well without her help!

Picture of Shelley with her mom, Wanda on the right
and me on the left

Picture of Shelley with her mom Wanda at her
wedding to Michael Schmitt.  I was the
photographer.

Shelley and her sister Jennifer

Shelley and Me.  I'm wearing a back brace
and it is really helping!

Kevin, Shelley and Heather
Alyssa had to work!

Some intimacy with Kevin, Shelley and Heather

Interesting shot between the leaves
of Kevin, Shelley and Heather

Kevin, Shelley and Heather

Lorene holding Nylah with mom Crystal

Shelley and Nylah

Shelley and Nylah

Shelley and Nylah, Heather on the left

Heather, Shelley and Nylah

Lorene and Nylah

Lorene and Nylah

These boys are getting big!  Kevin's voice is
really low and Devin is soon to follow!

Crystal, Lorene and Nylah

Grandmother Jennifer with
Granddaughter Nylah

Grandmother Jennifer with
Granddaughter Nylah

Well that is it for this week. I hope your week went well and I will see you next Sunday.                     Rachel

What Strange Weather!

Shelley and I went to a beauty demonstration for skincare.  We met Leslie and her sister while attending the cooking with herbs demonstration.  Leslie had all the fixings for tacos which were great. A short thunder and lightening storm with heavy rain started. It seemed like it would go on and on, but that is not what usually happens here.  When we went home on the east side of town, everyone on this side said they did not have any of this. We are talking like 10 miles away!   We are having more humidity than we are used to these days.  Ugh!  Very uncomfortable.  I would rather stay inside.

I guess my fellow classmate Wayne is dropping out at least for a while. There are two other women in the class now. I have seen them before. We will continue with flowers in the next 6 week period. We worked on roses.  The next flower will be a sunflower.  I'm still working on my rose in watercolor. I felt I did a poor job of it.  Though it is not finished,  I will start over.   Below is one I did with color pencils. 

Unfinished Yellow Rose

Rose Done in Color Pencils

Well I had my final visit to the doctor for my wrist (I broke it a year ago. He was impressed with my mobility. It is good to move on!

Janet and I met at Mexicali's. Esther who was the last of three sisters to own and manage the restaurant died and the service was the day before. Her son was there checking on things like he has done for years. Kenny runs the California Avenue location.  We expressed our condolences. He had a cold and said "I haven't had a cold in years". I thought his immune system could be down with all the stress. He said "I've  shaken a lot of hands". That certainly could have been an issue too.  

I received a message from my endocrinologist. She said my cortisol level is on the low side of normal and I needed further workup.  She said a nurse will contact me to come in for a Cortrosyn Stimulation Test.  If this is related to being exhausted, I hope we can fix it.  I’ll see another doctor at the end of the week.  I take a type of water pill used for high blood pressure, though I don’t take it for high blood pressure.  It seems to have a side effect to keep you from peeing out the calcium in your body.  So my blood pressure is running quite low and this can cause this type of fatigue.

My friend Martha had a pool party at her home in the country.  I saw three tents and there were five RVs staying overnight. My granddaughter couldn't come so my friend Susan let me stay at her home. There was fabulous Mexican food, including homemade tamales (my favorite).  There was also a DJ who played a lot of music I liked, except for later, it was not appealing to me.  It was dance music and though I don't dance now, I made the moves sitting down. It was 103 degrees at its hottest and there was more humidity than usual. I found if I dangled my legs in the pool, it helped to keep my whole body cooler. I did take a few dips too. There were several people I knew from working in the prison. And, while there, I got a call from a fellow social worker, Victor, from the same setting. Amazing!  We will set up going out to lunch in the near future.  

Martha's Pool Party with Lots of Shade!

Martha with her Grandson

And here is a short video of people dancing to a Disc Jockey at Martha's party.  Fun!

Martha's Pool Party June 2015

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Here is a lovely way of looking at life and death by Buffy Andrews who writes for the York Daily Record in Pennsylvania and has written some books.  Check her out!

Every year, I look forward to the fringe tree blooming in our front yard. Its white, fleecy feathers hang from the branches and dance in the wind. Along with the gorgeous pink weeping cherry tree that blooms a few weeks before, it’s one of my favorite spring-flowering trees. The dogwood, saucer magnolia and Bradford pear can’t beat its beauty.

Check out my books

The other night, a wicked storm rolled into town. The wind whipped, pea-sized hail fell and a torrential downpour soaked the ground. When I walked outside the following morning, the fringe tree was naked, and its soft billowy blooms blanketed the ground. All that beauty gone in a flash, ripped from the branches before I was ready to say goodbye.
As I picked up some soggy blooms and held them in the palm of my hand, tears pooled in my eyes. I was reminded of beauty cut short, of parents and family and friends, tassels torn too soon from the tree of life during one of life’s raging storms.
Why must things die? a young child asks, unable to understand that all life is organized in such a way that it has a limited lifespan.
Flies might live for days, tortoises and whales for hundreds of years and trees for thousands of years. But eventually, they all die. No living thing, no animal or plant, can escape death.
So often in life we witness beauty too short-lived. Why can’t the fringes hang forever? Why do the cherry blossoms fade and fall?
What perhaps we should be asking is, Why didn’t I enjoy the beauty when I had the chance?
It’s human nature, I think, to believe there will always be another day. But sometimes there isn’t. Sometimes wicked weather slams us unexpectedly and we’re caught off-guard, standing in the drenching rain and rising water.

I know that everything in life has its own season -- a time to be born and a time to die. But that doesn’t stop me from wishing the seasons could last longer.
• • •
After seeing how the storm undressed the fringe tree, I walked around the yard to see what else had been affected.
I found the dwarf English boxwoods were growing and turning a healthy green. The azaleas were popping with pink.
The barberries were budding and stretching in all directions.
The hydrangeas were beginning to peek out, and the hosta, which had only poked through the ground a couple weeks ago, had taken over the side of the house.
Yes, everything has a season. I hope you enjoy yours.

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Here is an article published on NPR called How to Let Go When A Loved One is Dying

How to Let Go When a Loved One is Dying

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And check out TheGriefToolBox.com for stories, poetry, etc. which may help you in dealing with a loss. The one below came from this site. 

Thank you for reading my blog. There are many people discussing this issue also. We all may say it in a slightly different way. Talk to your friends and family about death and dying, grief and bereavement. These are normal events and will become a part of your life if you have not already dealt with it or dealing with it now.   I'll see you next Sunday.                              Rachel