Is It Back?

I took a flight out of LAX to see friends in Oregon.   So I stayed with my high school friend Barbara who lives about a half hour from the airport. I had left my coat there on my last visit, so I was able to collect it while there. Though my visit was short, I'll be visiting her soon and we paid to go to our class reunion in October.   I'm thinking positively.

I got a chance to visit my friends Susan and Jennifer in Portland, Oregon.  I haven't seen them in 2 1/2 years.  It was so great to see them again!  They have such a nice home that is perfect for two people.  I gave them a picture I had done of two pears which Jennifer found a place on their living room wall.  It looked great where they put it. 

Susan and Jennifer on their
back patio

My Colored Pencil Painting of
Two Pears
Jennifer found a place on the wall

Jennifer had to work most of the time, but I saw her when we were at the house. She was on call, responding to calls at home.  Jennifer and Susan work in Hospice.  Susan took me out exploring. I loved it!  This town is a perfect fit for them.  We went to this bookstore, Powell's, the largest independent and used bookstore in the world.  It was one city block and four stories tall. I got lost on the first floor and asked a clerk how to get where I wanted. One of the books I bought was The Soul of an Octopus by Sy Montgomery.  What a great story.  This woman and others at an Aquarium develop relationships with octopuses in this setting. They actually like each other!  Such a different species it is hard to imagine, but they do.  It is a true story that is touching.  Now I can't eat octopus! 

We also went to this city block where the outside by the sidewalk was all food trucks (nothing I could see inside the block).  They had variety of foods and you could see the most popular by the lines.

Food Trucks Around a City Block

I liked this sign in a business's window

Mount Hood was completely covered with snow. It was overcast and cold while I was there but it made everything stand out and was a nice backdrop for the mountain. I was bundled well, so I was very comfortable.  I didn't get a picture!

We also went to what had been an elementary school, Kennedy School which was bought by McMenamins, they repurposed it into a hotel, bars, restaurants, movie theater (with couches and love seats!), and specialty stores. We stopped at a pub there having beer and tater tots (like we eat fries!). Though my friends think McMenamins fails at food, the settings are very creative!  They have many other buildings they have repurposed and done well with that part, but like I said, not the food. 

It was quite chilly in Portland, but I was warm
with what I wore
There were snow piles that still had not
melted

We are looking down on the bar, but there is seating
up here and a level below.  Very interesting fence to
keep people from falling made out of odds and ends
I enlarged it so you can see the details.

Susan in this neat bar - Instead of French Fries
They Do Tater Tots

We also went to a couple of stores selling used furniture, one in the industrial area by the water.  Fascinating!  We also shopped for organic food in a small independent store.  Very different from what I'm used to which made it that much more fun!

Susan is a top notch chef.  We had some meals at home that were worthy of high-end restaurants.  We also ate out at great places. I had such a wonderful time, I am hoping to return!

My trip was great. There were protesters at the airports in Portland and in LAX heading home. There were no problems.  There was singing and chanting about cutting off Muslim immigrants coming to the United States. Many of us live and work next to people who are Muslim and don't see them as a problem in our country. Perhaps if he had selected countries where terrorists from 9/11 did come from, it might make more sense, though all the Muslims I have met are peaceful. I'm not willing to write off these people.  We seem barbaric doing this and intolerant when it is the variety of people here which I believe makes us, the United States special.  I heard something on TV the other night where someone being interviewed called the president  President Von Munchhausen.   I thought it was funny for those who work in mental health. 

When I returned to LAX, I drove to my step-mom Kate's home so I wouldn't have to drive as far at night.  Actually, I haven't driven at night for a long time and I did fine. That was really a relief!

I have had an area on top of an upper rib that seems off.  I had been thinking it was the space/dent by it, that it was sinking.   Then a week ago, I woke up feeling it was tender.  I was more aware of that area.  When I went to chemotherapy,  I showed two RN's who said my Oncologist should see it. He came in at the end of my treatment and asked me how long I have known about it.  I said two months, but I thought it was a dent that was the issue. Then the past week I noticed it was on top of a rib. So I had a CAT scan checking all areas breast cancer can metastasize to.   I am going to see friends up north, Marykay and Mike.  I don't want to know bad news when I see them.  I would love good news, but there is no assurance of this.   

I love to do word and number problems.  What I'm noticing is that I am rarely getting the Evil level now and not getting the Hard very much.  I am down to Difficult.  I have been in a state of not wanting to get up and out, but I think this part is related to my mood. I think I was feeling down about all this. I haven't been working on my art. Then I thought about all the tasks I needed to accomplish, like changes in my checking account and doing my taxes.  So I got on a roll taking care of this and I felt more energetic and got lots of it accomplished.  Then I realized that what keeps me upbeat is being involved, being active.   When I'm really at the end, I think I'll be okay with it.  Watching my father and husband, when they were letting go, they were obviously ready for it to be over.  Seeing this, I believe I will be similar. 

I missed some art classes, partly because of what I was doing and other reasons why class was canceled.  I couldn't get myself motivated to work on my art. I called my teacher Carol letting her know what I was going through, that I had done nothing and thinking I shouldn't go. She said there was no problem if I didn't go, but she thought I'd feel better if I went. She was right.  I'm glad I went.  We are working on rocks again, but using colored pencils. One assignment I did not do was a weathered door. At class, fellow classmate Peggy shared what she did. It was awesome!  Ready to be framed.  So I don't think I'll give up on that.  Her work was stimulating to me, the jump start I needed!  Another classmate Roline took one of my digital pictures of my kitties Pepper and Daisy and did a wonderful portrait of them, though they look younger than they are. I was talking with my friend Janet and she felt that just like people their faces draw down as they get older. Huh!   I hadn't thought of that, but maybe so.  I loved it!  So I bought it and will have it framed.

My Kitties, Pepper and Daisy
Done by Roline Loung
a classmate in my art class

I read articles and books. I want to hear about others experiences with their own death or of someone close to them.  Our reactions are universal in a lot of respects even if we have individual idiosyncrasies. I noted this in hospice when I was a social worker.  Since we don't know about it until our time has come, I want to understand what I can beforehand. Some people think we know from near death experiences, and, maybe we do, I want to know what I can know.  And, I want my family to know this.   It lessens my anxiety and fear and I hope it lessens their anxiety and fear. 

This first one was from NPR and was heard on Fresh Air.

How far do you go to stop death?

This one came from Wimp.com

How I changed after the death of a parent.

And I really like this. I have already made arrangements where my ashes will go (by Paul), but if I hadn't done this, I love this idea!

A great way to replenish Earth with trees.

The grieving need you most after the funeral.  By John Pavlovitz at his site johnpavlovitz.com 

 The grieving need you most after the funeral.

There are physical pain associated with a breakup or loss of someone you love. I felt it intensely and it doesn't feel good. This is very brief pointing out the effects of a breakup or loss of a person you were very close to.   This is from IFLScience.com

We also have physical pain with grieving.

And, finally this from NPR

Always go to the funeral

So next time I write, I'll know the results from the CAT Scan and if something needs to be done, hopefully, I'll be doing it. I also hope I have a picture or two to share.   I do hope you are doing well and I'll be here next month.           Rachel

A Tough Time for a Lot of People

This week has been very nippy, but the sky is very blue. It is around eleven in the morning this Sunday and it is 39 degrees. I don't think of it being that cold when the sun is so bright. 

So on Monday I had Occupational Therapy. I have a little more range of motion. Next session is New Years Eve Day. 

For the rest of the day I made fudge. Three sets of books I got for my grandkids came from The United Kingdom and the other from Sweden. It was amazing that they came from so far away. Two of the sets gave me a huge window of delivery saying they could come as late as January 20.  so I had been trying to figure out what I'd do if it didn't come, so I was okay. 

On Tuesday I wrapped presents and got the items I wanted to make roasted vegetables and a green salad for Christmas at Shelley's home. That evening I went to a surprise birthday party for my grandson Billy at Rusty's Pizza. I gave them their Christmas presents to take home. 

Billy's birthday (with his son Conner) is Christmas Day but it is done earlier to celebrate his day

Conner loves to stand up

Christmas Day I finished my wrapping, got the food prepared that I was taking and took the fudge I made and wine to my daughter Shelley's home a little after 4 pm.  Dinner was ready a little after 5 pm.  An amazing accomplishment!  Her home was decorated very nicely.  Great snacks and dinner was fabulous. We opened presents before eating. Everyone had a great time. I had a couple of glasses of wine and was done for the evening. I got three of my grandkids books. I would like to do more of that, because I think reading is good for the soul. 

Crystal, Shelley, Kevin and me, Rachel

Sisters Shelley Schmitt and Jennifer Kline

Wes and Heather

Shelley and oldest daughter Alyssa

Wes, Heather, Alyssa, Jennifer and Devin

Kevin, Shelley and Heather

Kevin with mom Shelley

Heather had her 18th birthday on Saturday.  She graduated from high school when she was 16 1/2 years old.  She got loving wishes from the family and friends.

Heather with her dad Chris (acting silly)

On Saturday Barbara and I went to Chef's Choice for Thai food. Very good as usual. We walked around Eye and 19th Streets.  There is a new Sushi restaurant going in on 19th Street and The Bakersfield Art Association Center is moving around the corner to be on 19th Street also, by Kuka's and The Mark.  A very good move.  Not sure of the date, but the signs of the change are on the doors.

Barbara and I saw Annie at the Maya Theater. Very light weight, but neither of us wanted to see anything heavy. It worked well for us. Barbara's mom died last year and the holidays are a rough time.

My daughter Ronda prefers to do a Goth look in photos.  I prefer to see her smiling, so here is one with her niece Erin where they are playing around and also her Goth look.  She is pretty, I just like a smile and rarely see it in pictures.

                     

Erin and my daughter Ronda

Ronda with her Goth look, pretty but no smile!

So my great-grandson is now able to crawl, he also likes to stand, but he has to hold on to something.

Conner riding his horse

Conner with mom Meagan

Conner loves to Eat!

My grandson Devin, went Geocaching and actually found something!

Devin with his cousin Heather

Devin Found It!

Posts from friends who have had major losses share a sense of loneliness. One woman who lost her husband awhile back doesn't want to be around others while she feels so lonely. Having people around doesn't lessen this feeling for her. She would rather be alone. Another friend shares how when her parents were alive, they had enchiladas and tamales. They still do this but it doesn't taste quite the same and missing these key people in their celebration tones down the feelings they have had.

One thing I think of about dying is that we leave a little bit of ourselves with our contact with others.  I don't mean the biological connection.  I think we leave a mark that influences the next generation, so it is important to make memories and teach the next generation things we know that they wouldn't know without hearing it from someone who lived it. 

These tips are helpful to consider during the holidays. It is from The Grieving Tool Box:

Helping Yourself During the Holidays

The Light of Darkness

Christmas without a Loved One

How to Support Someone Going Through a Loss During the Holidays

So all these ideas are ones I have used at different times. I'm not exactly the same as I was before losing all these important people in my life. I had no choice, but I have grown a lot as a result of these losses.  Frankly, I'd be okay with being boring, but it was not to be!

A fascinating article in Salon.com (really interesting articles here!) on near death experiences and out of body experiences:

www.salon.com/2012/04/21/near_death_explained/

So that is it for the week.  I'm thinking of all of you and hope the holidays were okay for you.  If not, at least they are over which I really used to feel such relief about that.  I'll see you next Sunday.      Rachel

Storms Begin

So this last week didn't turn out to be as busy as scheduled. Sickness, conflicts and weather changed that, but I was okay with that. It added some nice down time.  

The Bakersfield Californian described our rain as Stormageddon.  Though it was a lot of wind rain for us and fairly steady rain, this seemed a little too dramatic for what we experienced. I understand more rain is expected but not as strong as we just had. Bakersfield does not have as good of a drainage system as many other areas, so it has no place to go but to flood streets.  I enjoyed our experience of rain.   We get so little.  We are getting the more typical weather for this area, a Tule fog. It comes from the ground. It is very dank and when you are in it, it seems to get in the bones. The fastest way for me to warm up is get in a hot bath, though I now have major difficulty getting in and out of a bath and now take showers. 

So as I told you on the last blog, Barbara and I saw Mark 209 brought in by the Bakersfield Community Concert Association. The December show is a Christmas show. Beautiful voices doing four part harmony. Each added a lot to the group. I was particularly impressed with the bass. He even did a little Papa Oom Mow Mow. His voice comes from the chest and I can feel it as he sings. Very sonorous. The association said attendance and patrons are steadily declining and if this didn't turn around, this program would have to end. It costs $80 a year for eight shows.  They are truly excellent.  It is an incredible bargain when you buy the series. If you buy two, you would have an extra to invite someone or if you are unable to attend, whoever you loan your ticket to would have one for a guest. Otherwise, I believe each show is $50 if you buy them individually.  Please people!  All you who live locally consider buying a pass or passes next year. When I can't go, I loan my card out to someone who can go, so it is not wasted. You'll be glad you did. 

Barbara and I went to Rosa's afterwards. Though the place was packed,we were able to be seated right away. I had the clams and fettuccini with garlic and olive oil (yum)!  Barbara has a pasta dish with a marinara sauce. She is vegan and also watches the fat she eats. She asked for less oil on her dish which they did. Very accommodating. Excellent food, and only a mile from my home!

I had two sessions with occupational therapy. She is showing me strength exercises. I now understand I will always need to exercise my fingers and wrist to keep them flexible. I also saw Dr. Wong. Both feel I have done very well. I told him I have known people who  returned to how they were before the injury. He said "They were much younger. It is not the same for older people."  My next appointment with him is in six months. 

A woman that my husband I worked with many years ago died. Margaret Smith worked in accounting at Memorial Hospital. When my mother died, she wrote the kindest note I had ever gotten. It was so sensitive and sweet. I was not really close to her, but my husband Paul was. Her sentiments were unexpected and meant a lot to me. When Paul and I had a home built and I decided to throw an open house party, Margaret offered to help me with the snacks. She was the accountant to the local Marie Callendars and was able to buy the crust to their pie. She showed me how to prepare many appetizers which ended up being a hit at the party. She was a very special woman. So at the memorial service and then afterwards at Marie Callendars where they had a private room, I saw people I hadn't seen since Paul's memorial service or since I had left Memorial Hospital. I exchanged phone numbers with two couples Carol and Jim and Pat with her husband Joe. Most people I didn't know, a few I recognized but no idea as to how, though I assume we worked together at Memorial  Hospital. I did recognize June but we have a very strained relationship though I'm not sure why.  Anyway, the two couples I did connect with agreed to lunch after the holidays. I look forward to that!

I went down to Los Angeles to see Kate.  We saw a play at the Music Center called Blithe Spirit by Noel Coward.  Angela Lansbury played an eccentric medium and clairvoyant. Her moves were hilarious. I've always seen her as a proper older woman. This was a little different. I recommend it. Lots of fun!  She looks soooo good!

Angela Lansbury

Get a little flavor of the play    -        Angela Lansbury in Blithe Spirit

We went to this popular Italian restaurant in Pasadena, Il Fornio. We hadn't been there in years and we were concerned if it would hold the same standards. It didn't disappoint. Very tasty. The next morning we had breakfast at Green Street. They have tasty food well prepared.

So Carol our art teacher will be back January 20th she thinks.  It still depends on how she does, but she is coming along.  I need her here so I work on my art.  I've been lazy, when it comes to my art, so I'll get going again.

My daughter Ronda posted some new pictures of herself.  She looks very good, I just wish she would smile, but she doesn't go for that type of picture.  I also like the short haircut.

My daughter Ronda Sheldon

Brothers Gavin and Conner (Conner is my great-grandson) playing:

https://www.facebook.com/elizabeth.sherran/posts/10204660368460542:1

So now I'm home again having a glass of wine while I finish this. Hope everyone is well and I'll see you next Sunday. 

Sharing Our Experiences

I did very little work on my watercolor prior to our last class with Carol Bradshaw. We worked on a country scene with a shed and a large tree by it.  I liked how mine worked with the fall colors.

Martha recommended bringing earplugs for sleeping at her home in Woodlake.  I stay there after the Helping One Woman meeting.  She said that since the riverbed is dry, the coyotes are coming near the house and sets the dogs to barking.  The dogs barked a little before I fell asleep but I didn't wake up after falling asleep.  I went to the Martha's home before we went to the Helping One Woman Dinner. The woman honored that evening lost her twelve year old daughter to cancer. This just started treatment in January. This woman, Heather came with her husband. He spoke for them and gave a very touching talk.  I don't think I could have talked. Kudos to dad. My friends Annemarie and Jeanne came. I'm so glad they did. I hope they'll be back. 

I had an appointment with my endocrinologist who felt I might need to have my parathyroid removed. She also discussed the possible issues if I don't have it done. It isn't a sure bet because I have multiple reasons for bones breaking and a slightly weaker area at my hip. I might have a higher percentage of bones breaking without the surgery. So I said I think I want the surgery if that is what is going on.  I got called the following morning to see the surgeon in Los Angeles on Friday. I agreed to that, but it cut it close. I get Herceptin at eight AM.  Sometimes it runs late, so I sent a message to alert them of my dilemma.  But they got me in first and called pharmacy to start mixing the meds.  My endocrinologist asked me to time my lab work for late November because I was having other bloodwork then. I called Kaiser and an RN told me to go ahead because the doctor would get those results the following day.  I was able to look at the results and they are all in the normal range. I wonder what gives?  

I met with my friend Janet at our regular haunt Mexicali's. She told me she had to put her dog Josh "Poopy" down the previous day. He became non-responsive and couldn't get up. She is grieving his loss. Her husband Ron had gotten Josh so this also brings up painful memories of Ron's death.  I'm calling to check on her.   She thought she should see someone and I suggested she see a psychiatrist and ask for Paxil (I take Paxil), she laughed and said "We could be Paxil pals!"

Anyway, the surgeon doesn't think that surgery is indicated yet. My stepmom Kate was with me so it helped to discuss it later.  We went to a very nice restaurant to celebrate not having surgery. I spent the night at Kate's home which I had not seen since before the kitchen redo. I think it looks great.  

Kate and I also talked about how she did when my dad died. She felt that medical people didn't take their concerns seriously and kept saying "you need support" as if it was a psychiatric issue instead of a medical issue. She was furious with them for treating them this way and has very bad feelings whenever she drives by where he was treated.   She said she kept busy because everyone was telling her to do that. Her feeling is that people will take whatever time they need to heal and we are not all alike. She also resented getting cards like " Rejoice!  He is now with Jesus!"  This made her angry and as a result she does not give people printed cards but sends a note letting them know how she feels. "At least that is genuine". She is right. She saw a movie which came out in 2000 Sous le sable (Under the Sand) where she could identify with the feelings of the character played by  Charlotte Rampling.  This woman was dealing with the loss of her husband and using denial to cope. Kate feels that it is our inner strength that gets us through these tough times and without that and other supports, it is hard to do.  "If you don't have supports, it makes it that much more difficult."  When I lost my husband Paul, Kate sent me this book The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. I found it very helpful because i identified a lot with the feelings she  was having.  

Dainette, Meagan's mom had lost her husband several years ago and we talked about our experiences while Meagan was cleaning. We both agree "he's in a better place" or "he is no longer suffering" or quoting psalms is not helpful at all.  Our issue is that WE ARE HURTING!   We want our loved one with us but we want them healthy.  I am at a loss as to what words help. Please, if anyone has ideas, I would love to hear.

Here is a very interesting article -The Conundrum of Energy and Fatigue. When people are at the end of their life, they tire easily. Here it is put in perspective.  So keep this in mind when they can't do what the used to do. 

http://www.pallimed.org/2014/09/the-conundrum-of-energy-and-fatigue.html?m=1

I'm definitely getting more flexible moving my wrist and fingers. It's coming along.   I missed my appointment on Wednesday at eight AM because I had in my mind it was on Thursday.  I was just leaving Woodlake then for a 1 1/2 hour drive home. 

Meagan, my grand-daighter-in-law came Thursday and gave the house a good cleaning.  She, her mother Dainette and my great-grandson will be going to Texas to bring Meagan's best friend and her children back to Bakersfield. But, while they are there, they will visit Billy's father Johnny Ray, his wife and also his grandparents.  I know this will be very special for them. I'm asking "take lots of pictures!"

This is the latest video of Conner saying yay. 

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10204298811181836&substory_index=0&id=1575518000

Here are some cute photos of Conner. I feel like he is learning so fast!  I got some good pictures especially when he was looking at his mom and Grandma Dainette.

Conner in my living room 

My friend Valerie was in the hospital. They  still aren't sure if it was pneumonia,  but she was in isolation and we couldn't visit her. She was supposed to come for our barbecue on Sunday, but she has bigger things to deal with. We still had our barbecue and she called saying she was released when we were about to eat dinner.  We asked her to come over, but she didn't want to be seen in the condition she was in.   We will have another when Valerie is better we think after the first of the year. So Etta, Tina and Sherry were here.  It has been more than 35 years since we were all together.  We are talking about getting a group shot like we had then and that each of us will stand in the same place.  Good memories! 

My uVerse  was down and I  and I couldn't publish my blog yesterday.  Some were worried, but I'm fine.   The technician is still here.  I have been saying that this is like a dead zone and I don't get very good reception.  He agreed that it was an issue.  I hope he can fix it.  By the way, he told me to call NCCD an organization that helps disabled people but he said also elderly, I think I qualify.   You need to register with them and whenever you have a problem with uVerse, they will just send someone out to deal with it.  No charge for a service call.  I'm calling tomorrow.  The number is 866-241-6568.

I just want to get this out now, so I'm going to publish it.  Next weekend I'll be out of the area and will try to send my blog out.  I'll keep you informed.  Thanks for reading.       Rachel

Getting Back Into My Art

I really have been resting. So this was a forced break. I needed it.

Monday was my birthday and it was a pleasant one. I turned 65 so officially I'm eligible for all the senior discounts out there. My Kaiser Senior Advantage went into effect this month. There are some savings, but from what I had, it isn't that dramatic Had lunch and margaritas with my friend Janet Seinturier. I am still not driving, so if I go out someone has to do the driving. Shelley and my grandson Kevin came by in the evening with cheese cake we enjoyed together and a lovely gift of a coffee carafe. I look forward to doing a brunch and have coffee in this carafe.

I continued my celebrations. After my art class with Carol Bradshaw, Valerie and I ate at the Padre Hotel. We ate in the bar and the food was excellent. I had a salmon salad and Valerie had chile verde tacos. Then on Wednesday, Barbara Long and I ate vegetarian at Mama Roomba.  It is not noted as a vegetarian restaurant, but the non-meat choices are very good. They have a wonderful vegetable soup. We also had sautéed mushrooms and a mixed bean salad with oil infused with cilantro. It also tasted like it had finely minced garlic. Their mojitos are great, and, of course I had one of those.

This week I did work on my art. I have had little energy up to now so it was a nice change. I did draw the barn with silos and a waterfall with little detail. Next week we are working on parrots. As my teacher says "something is better than nothing", because it gives her a sense where I'm getting it and where I'm not.  Then she can give me feedback to improve my drawing.

I didn't need to return to the doctors office for the cast this week. The cast fits better and the break  is improving some, though I continue to take pain medications because it calms the pain down. Another interesting thing is that my back has just about become a non-issue. I have had a couple of twinges, but very minor. One of my friends thinks that it is because I've been doing a whole lot less than I had been doing.  I thought it was because my wrist hurts the worst at this time. I'll see when my wrist heals more.
My friend Lynn asked me how I was doing asking others for help. I will admit, it really is difficult to do. I would really rather be on the other side and helping others. I try to remind myself that I have no problem helping others when they need the help and I can help. I worry about being a burden on others. Now that I think about it, many seniors worry about being a burden on others. That is why I push to do what I can for myself. Valerie feels we have to be on the receiving end "to balance the universe". "Everyone needs to give and take" according to Valerie.  The other issue is when I need help for toileting issues  I've always been so private that this is particularly hard.  When I was in the hospital, I found them putting in a foley catheter to urinate an incredible invasion of privacy.  The nurses just looked at it as a procedure to do which helped some in not getting embarrassed.  I do know many people who don't find this embarrassing. So, this is not an easy subject. I would like to hear what others think. What would you do if you were in this spot?

Today my friend Valerie Slocum and I went to watch a movie called "Strangers in Good Company" at the Art and Spirituality Center.  Excellent as usual and great discussion afterwards.

I've had no contact with my grandson and his family except through the internet.  They have offered to come over to help, but I have resisted visits from everybody. I'm at the tail end of this cold. It is no longer waking me up in the middle of the night. But, they have been posting such cute pictures and I can't resist sharing them.

So next weekend I am meeting with people I used to work with which will be about 1 1/2 hours north..I'm taking the train. My friend Janet will get me to the station here and another friend Annemarie will pick me up. We have done this several times.  We make it a mini-vacation. The hotel is very pleasant with a nice pool. Since I have a cast, all I'll be doing is dangling my legs in the water. The restaurant Tommy's is also a pleasant setting and my memory of eating here is very good. We expect our group to be a little smaller than usual, but I can't remember a time when it wasn't a great gathering.

Valerie Schultz wrote a good article in the Bakersfield Californian on grief that I would like to share.  I felt this with my losses.  I believe many of you will relate to it.  :

Valerie Schultz on grief

Thursday, Jul 03 2014 01:19 PM
VALERIE SCHULTZ: Grief is dark shadow over these early summer weeks
By The Bakersfield Californian

My sister calls it the trifecta, although without the happy connotation of that word: the window of time every year from Father's Day in June to our dad's birthday in July. In between is Independence Day, the date of our dad's death. The trifecta covers about a month. It is our yearly time of intensified grief, when we are reminded that we are fatherless, and we relive the days leading up to his death, and we regret that there are no more of his birthdays to celebrate. I'm always glad when the trifecta is over. It's not that I miss my dad any less during the rest of the year; it's just that the loss doesn't seem as in-your-face once the trifecta passes.

This year is the fifth trifecta, and I have learned that time does not really soften the ache. But then I think of my dad's simple, sunny outlook on life, and I know that he would want us to focus less on the bitter and more on the sweet. Our extended family has had some bad blood among its members since my dad died, but we've also had weddings and anniversaries and graduations. We've had new babies born.

My dad was a fantastic grandpa, and he would have doted on these miraculous additions as much as he adored my daughters. He taught me to appreciate the whole "circle of life" concept, just by the way he'd sit back at family gatherings and marvel at the little ones running around the pool, at the noise and laughter of people enjoying time together, at the palpable life in our midst. "This is what it's all about," he'd say, smiling fondly and taking in the progress of his progeny.

My dad was right: Life blazes on and holds us in thrall with its bounty and blessings. Our family has journeyed on without his physical presence, and we even feel completely happy at times.

And who would have imagined that my mother, in her 80s and in frail health, would find a boyfriend? But she has, and she seems content in this new chapter of her life. Sometimes I want to resent her boyfriend, as though it's his fault that my dad is gone, as though he could ever replace my dad, but I know my dad would tell me to let it go.

One of my sisters has speculated that maybe our dad somehow arranged from the afterlife for this new guy to take care of his wife, since he was no longer around to do it. Maybe so: It would be like him to have picked a fellow Navy man.

I feel pensive during the trifecta. I suppose we learn at an early age that whenever love is involved, there will be loss. We lose our pets. We lose our oldest relatives. We lose our innocence. We lose our illusions. Sometimes we lose the very youngest among us, which is an even deeper sort of pain.

But we continue to love, and risk the consequences, because life is hollow without love. Our loved ones expand our hearts, elicit our loyalty, engage our selflessness, enlarge our life experience. We can't ignore death, especially a death that pains us so, but we can accept it as a stage of the life that stubbornly burgeons and blooms.

My siblings and I visit our dear departed dad's grave under the reliably shady oak tree every 4th of July. We bring flowers, breathe a prayer, maybe read a poem or play a song. We aren't much in the mood for corn-on-the-cob and parades and fireworks, but our dad really loved all that jazz, all that patriotic zeal, so we try.

When night comes and the fireworks are finished, the trifecta is two-thirds over for another year. Life will continue to delight us and inspire us and challenge us and occasionally break our hearts, and we will try to handle it all with the grace we were taught, and that we must now pass on to our children.

"Let grief be your sister, she will whether or no," writes the poet Mary Oliver, in "Flare," the poem that I brought this year graveside. "Rise up from the stump of sorrow, and be green also / like the diligent leaves."

Life really is a circle, a vine twirling and twining onto itself, and we all flower along the way, from life to death to life. We may never quite stop grieving when we lose someone we love, but with each day, we feel ourselves turning toward the light.

Living fully, being "green also," is how we honor those who have gone before us, how we keep the arc of the circle climbing.

This husband takes pictures of his wife who eventually died with breast cancer.  I felt it was nicely done and touching.

Captures Love and Loss Beautifully


That's it.  I'll see you next Sunday.             Rachel

Graduation Week

So I panicked a little about going to two graduations in one day.  I asked Kayla what time I had to be there and she said 7:30 am.  Heather's graduation was at 7:00 in the evening.  I felt I would have to set multiple alarms to get myself moving.  When Kayla gave me my ticket, it said 8:00 am.  Relief!  A half-hour reprieve. It seems funny being this way since I used to get up between 4:00 and 4:30 am to go to work.  It took me
1 1/4  hours to get to work and I really needed another quarter hour to assure I could be at my desk.  But, I have not worked in months, and my body has adjusted very well to later hours.  All my kids knew never to call me after 8 pm.  I still like that, but I rarely fall asleep at 8 pm now.

Kayla's graduation went well and she was beautiful.  She was agitated that day, but she pulled it off and did well.  I would have liked to get a picture of us together, but she wasn't very cooperative to do more pictures.  I do like the ones I did get.  We had a nice breakfast at Cindy's (they have great breakfasts).  Her father Marvin, her sister Crystal and cousin Heather (who had her graduation that evening) joined us.  Here are pictures:

Kayla with her friends

Kayla with her special friend Maryah

Kayla with her older sister Crystal

From right to left: Heather Estes, her cousin; Crystal her sister, Marvin her dad and Kayla

Kayla, Maryah and I are going camping at my friend Martha Hense's home in June.  It is a large property and I did this last year with a girlfriend.  Kayla and Maryah agreed to go and when I asked them what cereal they wanted, they said Lucky Charms.  So it is.  There will be lots of food, a pool, dancing to a disc jockey. I'm taking Barbara Long's tent and we will all have cots and sleeping bags.  One thing we will have that I didn't have last year will be fans that run on batteries.  That will make it much more comfortable until the temperature drops.

After Kayla's graduation and celebration breakfast, I went home and rested.  I sent Shelley a text to call or text before coming because I was laying down.  That worked out well.

That evening Shelley picked me up and we headed to Heather's graduation.  Her father Chris and her grandmother Sandy were there.  Her boyfriend Wesley was also there.  Soon after, Alyssa, her sister and her boyfriend Jeremy showed up.  The line was incredibly long.  This time we parked behind Rabobank which was better since we didn't have to cross main streets.  When we finally got inside, the only place to sit was in the balcony.  We were very high and situated ourselves to be aligned where Heather would be sitting.  We waved at her, but there was no way she could know where we were.  The place was jammed.   It turned out great too, but I have to tell you, the parents of the junior high kids were so much more well behaved!  There were horns, whistles and screaming with the high school families.  Maybe they were stunned their kid made it this far.  I don't know.  I do know that for the next graduation (I understand in 2016), I'm wearing earplugs.  It got so painful at times and I was really trying to cover my ears!  Below are pictures after the event.

Heather at Wesley's graduation two years ago and Wesley at Heather's graduation

Heather and mom Shelley

Heather looking beautiful

Chris, her father; Heather; Shelley, her mother

Heather - It's official!

Shelley and Heather

Heather with two grandmas, Sandy and Rachel

Heather and Me

Heather and Wesley are moving into their first apartment together.  They said they would invite me over to eat when they get settled in.  I look forward to it.  Here's a picture of them at the beach.

Chemo on Friday was pretty much the same.  The only thing is that I feel tired that day.  That pretty much is my experience on the day of chemo.  They say that what I take would not have that effect.  I'm taking Herceptin for the HER2 positive part of this cancer.   I also schedule these first thing in the morning so I can get these over with and be free to do what I want.  I wonder if doing it earlier is a mistake.If anyone actually knows, let me know.  It is better for me not to do anything afterward. I laid down and took a nap.  Finally I was able to get moving, but I also had a solid nights sleep that night.  I really have to take breaks.  Also saw my doctor.  I need to get a MUGA scan within a week or so.  This measures the pumping of the heart.  I hope they call soon so I can take care of that.

I had lunch with my friend Janet Seinturier on Saturday.  We were going to go to Muertos in the alley (Wall Street), but they weren't going to be open until 4 pm.    So disappointing to both of us when you have in your mind what you are going to eat.  Janet loves their very hot hamburgers.  I'd have had a fish dish.  And,on our stomachs were not willing to wait.  We know that Mexicali's would be open and we went to the one downtown.  We talk about everything.  So I described how I headed in my bedroom to get something I needed and walked up to my nightstand.  I totally blanked on what it could possibly be, but usually if I just make it to the room, there is too much territory to cover thinking of what I came for.  So, I stood looking at my nightstand and it came to me.  Don't ask me now, I don't remember, it just flits through and if I don't come up with it then, it could be quite a while before I'll remember it again or perhaps never.  Janet has the same problem.  We know about the problem of coming into a room, but I felt it shouldn't take as long to come up with what  it was staring at my nightstand.

Today Kayla came over and helped to clean up and move a couple of things.  We had a late lunch at Loma Linda.  They do a good job, and, the price is reasonable.

My grandson Billy will be coming to lunch this week with his family.  So all I have to do is shop and cook the lunch.  It'll be good.  I have a lot of pictures to give him.  Here are a couple of pictures Billy sent of Conner.  He is seven weeks old now.  Sooooo cute!

My grandson Billy with his son Conner 6 weeks

Conner ready for church today 7 weeks

Liam Neeson was on 60 Minutes last Sunday.  This is the first time he has open up about the death of his wife who had gotten in a skiing accident.  He talked about his grief and the process of healing and getting a life again.  Well worth the watch.  I cannot put the link here, but it is worth looking up.  Go to 60 Minutes and when you see the one about Liam Neeson, that's it.  There is also a continuation of the talk on bereavement on 60 Minutes Overtime.  Well done.

That's it for this week.  See you next Sunday.        Rachel