Feeling Numb

I was very numb going through this, especially in the beginning.  My memory is scattered and you can tell which things were more important to me by what I do remember.

Paul's memorial service was helpful. Shelley and her husband put together  a DVD slideshow of Paul's entire life including his time with his first wife showing the children and grandchildren growing up. The song was by Johnny Cash singing "I've Been Everywhere".  When Paul died he had gone to 50 countries. I had done 46 because Paul did an around the world trip alone. I had recently become a state employee and not able to leave long. In addition, Paul had enough frequent miles to cover the airfare.  He was already having trouble getting around and later said he would have preferred if I could have gone with him.

We invited people back to the house so people could share their experiences with Paul. Many family and friends were there.  We had Mexican food, wine and beer. My stepmom Kate stayed at the house to take care of things. I wonder why we feel we have to put on a spread in the middle of a major loss.  It's not really a social event, but maybe it is for many. 

Shelley and Jennifer were very concerned about how I'd be, so Jennifer and her three children spent the first night night with me in my bed. That was not restful. Kayla slept next to me throwing her arm over me. I was sleeping on my side and just took up that space on the edge of the bed. When Shelley and Jennifer talked about who would have duty the next night, I told them I was okay. I needed my space. 

I stayed home a total of three weeks since starting our move, but was finding it depressing not getting dressed and watching mindless television.  I called my supervisor saying I had to come back but I didn't want people to spend a lot of time on my loss because it made me emotional. 

The staff on the unit gave me a singing card "I Will Survive". It was very touching and I burst into tears. I thanked them but asked them to do no more. They said they wanted me to know that they loved me. I told them I already knew that, but I wanted a place where it was more regular. That this was where I was taking a break from the emotional side and of this. 

I still found myself very emotional. One psychiatrist thought I should go to a support group but I told him I felt so needy that I didn't feel I could listen to other people's hurts. A psychologist I worked with said I needed to find a way of taking control of my life. 

In addition to all this, my cancer had returned.  It was now stage IV and had metastasized to my neck. The doctors were now saying that all that could be done were comfort measures. That was very overwhelming to hear.  I had a hard time coping except when I was working. 

So the psychologist who said I needed to find a way to take control of my life was right. There was information coming out about a dietary issues affecting people's chances of developing cancer. Whether this was true or not, it didn't seem to be a bad thing to work on changing my diet. The different issues being discussed were MUFA's (monounsaturated fatty acids) to help reduce belly fat, the potential benefit of cruciferous vegetables that seemed to counter the growth of cancer cells, the danger of sugars, especially high fructose corn syrup. And then I read this fascinating book called The China Study by T. Colin Campbell, PhD which did a study of various communities in China to determine if certain disease processes were affected by dietary intake. That then led to other writers looking at diet and disease process. 

So I was not strict in doing this but I did increase my vegetable and fruit intake. For quite a while, I stopped all meat intake.  I talked a friend Barbara into looking at this. Now she didn't have cancer,  but she had many chronic health issues. She was actually able to stop her medications with her doctor's supervision. I didn't get there, but I did feel a whole lot better. The thing I've decided is that if this was our diet from the beginning of our lives, we would be so much healthier.  I still think this would be a good thing, even at my age. I'm just not sure that it would reverse what is going on, but it might slow it down. 

I also did imagery to see myself taking control of my life. I think the messages we give ourselves can influence how we will do.  But I also feel that grief is a real thing.  You're not going to be positive immediately.  That is something we work towards as we allow ourselves to grieve.  I see it as a natural process and the time it takes will vary according to the supports you have and how much you actually allow yourself to grieve.

My stepmom Kate gave me a great book called The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. What was so good about this was how open she was about her own experience which helped to put my own feelings in perspective. 

I had a hard time on the anniversary of his death for about three years.  His birthday, our anniversary and holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas for me were hard at that time without him.  It takes some time and experience to get used to doing things differently and often times alone.

It took about two or three years before I could get rid of Paul's clothes. I did keep a couple of sweaters and shirts to wear when I needed comfort. I had asked Jennifer to help me with this, but she refused. For myself, I found I did better by being more open about all of this. 

Back to current time:

My daughter Jennifer moved in with me temporarily while she gets back on her feet. But what do you do when you don't have a car, don't have a job and no money to make it all work?  Hopefully this works.  She is working on a plan and the latest she will be leaving is November 26 of this year.  I'm trying to enforce some ground rules.  I'm not used to having someone here and our lifestyles are very different.  She is turning in resumes.  Any tips people have to share would be appreciated.  She is redoing her resume today.

In Carol Bradshaw's class, we worked on doing a flat wash with tape on each layer so when it is finished, you'll see all layers. See picture below. The other one is a graduated wash done turning it upside down when starting the next wash.  She sent me a message to bring my drawings back to class because she thought they needed more work but were worth doing.   I also had my second class this year with Nina Landgraff at Bakersfield College.  We drew a man sitting on a chair upside down.  Fascinating.  I'm sure I would have had a much more difficult time if it had been right side up.  I also did a feather which came out nice and a somewhat dried twig with leaves and what looked like miniature pinecones.   I still haven't figured out how to use the iMac for all things.  I took pictures of my pictures, but they aren't showing up for me to pick.

Kayla came by for assistance from her mom on a school assignment. Jennifer and I shopped for the week and she made dinner for Kayla, me and herself. It was very tasty.


My friend Cathy Seguine and I met for lunch at our favorite Thai restaurant downtown.  It is amazing how we can pick up where we left off with no problem.  Each of us has been very busy, so we are lucky to get to have time together.

My friend Martha sent me a picture taken of me at the Helping One Woman dinner.  My shirt is so colorful it makes me look bright.

Me at a Helping One Woman Dinner

My daughter Ronda had her 44th birthday this week.  She was woken by her daughter when I called at noon her time. She is having back pain. I told her to check into developing core muscles. That is what the physical therapist had me do when I broke my back. Hailey posted a picture of her and her mother at an earlier age. I think they both looked good and I was struck by how much Hailey looked like her mom at that age.  Hailey will be twenty in March and now looks like a young woman.

Hailey and Ronda

Had lunch with my friends Janet and Lisa at Sandrini's.  We all love pickled tongue and we think they have the best in town, even better than Woolgrowers and Luigi's.  Then I went on to see my Occupational Therapist Linda Mather. I really am improving after one week but I want more. There are some moves I want to do better and I don't want to be so stiff. It is much better though.

Well, that's about it this week.  I'll see you next week.  Hope all is well.        Rachel

Facing Paul's Death

In 2007, my husband Paul was very private about his feelings. I believe he was aware of something wrong with his health quite awhile before he let on to me that there was an issue. Paul was complaining about congestion in his chest in December before his death. He also sent letters to all his grandchildren telling each one how special he or she was and encouraging each to grow with the strength each had. I urged him to see a doctor about the congestion. He was given oral antibiotics to clear it up.  It didn't help and he was eventually sent to have a lung biopsy. This was done just before a trip we had scheduled to go to Australia.  Paul still wanted to go. 

Paul was having a lot of pain but I was having trouble getting doctors to order pain Meds for him.  I think Paul was playing down symptoms so they didn't realize how serious this was.  I called a friend of mine who was a nurse and told her what was happening. Her partner was a doctor who ordered pain Meds for him.

Our time in Australia was very hard for us. Paul slept a lot and then toughed it out when we went sightseeing and visiting my cousin Louis and his family outside of Sydney. 

The flight back home was very rough. Paul said "I don't think I can walk off this plane".  I told the flight attendant and she said, "Why didn't you make arrangements for this?"  I let her know that we didn't realize it was this bad. When the plane landed there was someone waiting with a wheelchair. I don't know if it was for us or not, but we took it. Everything took so long that we missed our flight from Los Angeles to Bakersfield. 

I arranged a rental car. Paul was having problems holding foods down but was very hungry. He asked for a drive through meal and promptly threw up what he ate. 

We had put our house up for sale to return to Bakersfield to be near our children because we sensed that he was not well. We lost one buyer while we were on the trip because they didn't qualify. 

When we got back, we had a medical appointment on Valentines Day when we were told he had lung cancer that had metastasized and was stage IV.   I wanted to stay home to care for Paul but he insisted I needed to work.  How I handled this was to call early afternoon.  If there was a problem, I left work immediately.  This ended up being very regular. 

Since we were planning to move back to Bakersfield, we changed his insurance back to Kaiser Permanente during the open enrollment period and drove to Bakersfield for his medical care (1 1/2 hour drive). 

Paul wanted to tell his children and grandchildren what was going on and we arranged a time to do this. Paul's daughters were there with their children. 

Paul woke me up often wanting to talk. One time he wanted coffee, so I made it and brought it back to our room where we had a sitting area. After a while, he said "I can sleep now".  I couldn't. This was about three in the morning.  I had many nights like this. So I was chronically exhausted at work. 

We finally had a buyer for our home and made a couple of trips to find a home in Bakersfield. Paul asked "Do you want a house like this or one you will be able to pay off?"  I asked for one I could pay off.  We found an older home that was maintained fairly well and made an offer. They accepted this. 

In the mean time I was packing. Paul was unable to help. Family and friends helped us with this. 

On moving day in Visalia, Paul stayed at a hotel in Bakersfield.  He wanted to help but he knew he couldn't. I was in Visalia when the movers came.  The moving company would place the furniture in our new home the following day. 

On Friday. I went to see my friend who was the head of the hospice organization I worked for.   She was there, but I found out later she was on the road a lot and was rarely there.  She took me to her office where I promptly broke down in tears telling her that Paul was not doing well at all.  I was overwhelmed and we needed help but I couldn't think about what to do.  She agreed to have her doctor friend and her come to talk with us about what was going on.    Jennifer was very direct with us stating that Paul was dying.   She had asked him a lot of questions and took his vitals.  Paul and I reached for each other holding hands with our eyes tearing up.  Paul said "This is what we do when we get bad news.  We hold each other." Jennifer who was a doctor providing palliative care but also a doctor for hospice care gave us prescriptions to control various symptoms.

I stayed with Paul at the hotel in Bakersfield the night before we would be in our new home. Paul did not want me to sleep in the same bed because movement made him have spasms of pain.  He woke me up in the middle of the night and said "Rachel, are you awake?"  I said I was. He said "I have something very important to tell you, are you listening?"  I told him I was. He said "I wanted to tell you I feel absolutely normal as long as I don't move, but I know I'll have to move and then I'll have a lot of pain.  But, at this moment I feel fine". Of course he did have to finally move and he was overwhelmed with pain. 

Family was at our new home. The moving company came and had all furniture in the right rooms and set up within two hours. Family helped organize our home to live in.    Paul's son Jeff and his family stayed here. Paul let them know he did not feel he would live much longer.  He told them that I had been very helpful to him.  He also told us he wanted hospice care. 

During this time his feet were swelling up badly. I was alarmed and said we needed to go to the ER.  He said he wanted one of his children there because he was concerned I would push him to be admitted to the hospital. I told him I would never do that but I was okay if all his children came. Paul made it clear to the ER doctor at the hospital he would not agree to being admitted to the hospital and also stated he wanted hospice care. He was given a prescription to flush this fluid.   

On Saturday we officially asked for hospice care and on Sunday the equipment came to make Paul more comfortable. Paul's children went home. We had the bed set up in the living room and I slept on the sofa. 

Around three Monday morning, five days after we had moved back to Bakersfield into a new home, Paul woke up trying to get on the bedside commode and vomiting. I shot up to help him, but he was too big for me to handle alone. I needed to call his daughters and unlock the door. I was so afraid of leaving him and he falling.  I thought about how I could make a loop to open door and grab the phone, then return to hold him as fast as I could.  I was able to do this and did reach his daughter Jennifer who came over immediately. As we were trying to figure out how to get Paul back in bed, Paul died. Jennifer asked, "Did my dad just die?"  He had. We both burst into tears. I started calling family and hospice.  The hospice nurse came and made the call to the mortuary. Jeff's family said they would come back. In the mean time, the mortuary came to pick up his body. We held them off waiting for Jeff and his family to get here.  Shelley helped in cleaning up. 

When Jeff and his family came, we all said our final goodbyes. We went out to breakfast. All of us felt detached from reality. Jennifer and I made an appointment at the mortuary.

When Jennifer, Jeff and I went to the mortuary, we made arrangements for his cremation and where his ashes would go. Jennifer asked me to also make arrangements for myself to cut down on the trauma of this process. Though initially, I was horrified at this thought, I did it. 

I had a lump growing on my neck and I suspected it was my cancer metastasized. It had been going on for months, however Paul's situation was primary and I didn't think I could deal with both our problems at the same time.   I had made an appointment the day Paul died but rescheduled it the following day since there was so much going on. 

My friend Cathy Seguine went with me. The doctor thought it was cancer so he scheduled a biopsy which was done soon after Paul's service.  It turned out it was now a stage IV and metastasized. I was so glad Cathy was with me. I couldn't retain what I was told and I was devastated.  Cathy took notes and we talked about it later. 

It was difficult to know what was harder, losing Paul or being told there was nothing more they could do for me except for comfort measures. I was a basket case. I attempted to bury myself in my work which helped a lot, but I also needed to grieve. 

Next week I'd like to talk about what happened then with my own treatment, how I coped and grieving over Paul's death. 

Back to current time:

Enjoyed Dolphin Tale 2 with Barbara, Jacquie and Debbie. Family oriented and uplifting. Had dinner at The Great Castle. They have many vegetable dishes in addition to meats. We are talking about going to Mama Roomba next time. 

I stayed home most of Monday to get the bookcases that were being delivered.  Well, in the evening I opened the front door and they were leaning against the house. I have no idea when they were delivered. An email was sent to me to put it in the room where it will go. I'm so glad I have a dolly. I was able to do that. 

I saw an occupational therapist early Monday to learn exercises to become more mobile after the surgery I had.  I thought her name was familiar, Linda Mather, and she also looked familiar.  It turned out we worked together at Kern Medical Center and Kern View in town.  I was 27 when I moved here so our initial meeting was 38 years ago.  Holy cow!  That’s shocking!  That many years?  We knew a lot of people in common.  The only one she mentioned who I still see is Marykay Feit.  Almost like homecoming!  Linda taught me some great exercises and I’m working on them.  I’ll see her next week for a total of six weeks.

I had my art class with Carol Bradshaw. I only had my outlines done but got good feedback to work further. We started on watercolor. I didn't buy anything for it but she was able to loan me some supplies. We worked on the tools we'd need, how to do a flat wash and a graded wash. After class I bought my supplies mostly at Michaels, but some from Aaron Brothers. At both stores young women helped me to locate what I needed.  They were very helpful and kind.

I went up to the Helping One Woman which is held at the Marriott in Visalia. The parking lot was full. There were three men talking by my car.  One was saying to the others "Well, if we have to autopsy all of them, we will."  Definitely not the group I was meeting with. They turned out to be a part of a Coroners Convention. 

It was a good dinner with the Helping One Woman.  The family and classmates were there supporting a young man who has been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and now going through treatment.  A woman nominated this young man's mother for this.  We were moved into the restaurant because the coroners got the ballroom.  People seemed very relaxed and having fun.  I certainly was doing better.  They have people selling arts and crafts and there was someone from Pampered Chef.  That worked out well.  The Occupational Therapist recommended their jar opener, so I ordered it.  I need all the tools to make doing things easier for me.

I stayed at my friend Martha’s home after the Helping One Woman dinner.  She took the battery out of the clock so that didn’t affect my sleep like it did last month.   Next month Martha and I will spend time together the next day.  I needed to get home because of work being done here.

The electrician I called last week was coming that day.  He moved the eye of the sensor and it worked.  He showed me what was happening and what to do next time it would happen.  He didn’t have his tools because they have a contract with PG&E and his son had to go to another job so he checked out what was happening.  He said if I had tools he would see what he could do.  Well,  I did have them because my husband had tools, but before we got together I had my own tools for small jobs around the house.  Wes, Heather’s boyfriend had me order a particular part.  It turned out to be correct, but the holes to screw it to the fan/light were too small.  I had a drill and he was able to widen the holes to get the screws to go through.  I had a bulb that went to 150 watt and he told me that was too high for this and to not go higher than 65 watts. I went back to the store to get the right bulb.

In addition to that going on, the man came to put the bookcases together.  He was from Fresno (a good two hours away) and did't call me to see if I was here until he was about a half hour away.  He was shocked to see the 559 area code which would be the area he was coming from.  I have kept the same phone number I had in Visalia which panicked him.  He was relieved after driving so far that the house was not north of here

The Kern County Fair is an important event here. I went with my friend Barbara and three of her friends. It was senior day and there was no charge for parking or admission.  We limited our interest to the arts and crafts, collections, art and photography.  Last year my brother Ben and I went to the Los Angeles County Fair. That was such a disappointment. It was mostly commercial and little space was given to the work of individuals. I prefer the Kern County Fair even if some collections were hokey.  

This is a short video of Conner trying to figure out how to use a whistle. Interesting watching him think about this. 

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10204026665418362&substory_index=0&id=1575518000

Thanks for reading!  I'll see you next week.    Rachel

Dealing with Computer Problems and Finally Posting Pictures

I’m taking a break before talking about the loss of my husband Paul.  I’m still thinking about it and how I will share it with you, so….

Coming home from the east coast was uneventful. Since I found when going east that carryon luggage is hit or miss to get on the plane, especially if you are one of the last two groups to board, I checked it all through. That certainly made it easier.

I was in four states while I was there- New Jersey, New York, Connecticut and Massachusetts.  I think that would have been very difficult to do in California!

On Tuesday I attempted to turn on the second computer to start working on my blog and it was a blank screen. I can't have this!  I have to have a computer that works.  So I decided I would get a Mac. I feel I've been having terrible luck with Windows.  On Wednesday I spent almost all day figuring out how it works.  I am impressed that it is all wireless except for the plug in the wall!  Really quite amazing!

I was trying to see if I could download all I have on an "old" iPod to my new Mac. Apple has no program to do that. Though one of the sales associates gave me the information to a third-party vendor which has a program to do that. I downloaded the program but I still can't get it to work. This is not my strength, but I have a friend who might be able to make it work. I'll call her. 

My grand-daughter Kayla contacted me asking me about my trip.  I asked if she would be interested in going out for pie as a belated birthday and to hear how her first year of high school is going.  She turned 14 last week. She said yes, so we did that.  I don’t think she likes pie because she just moved it around on the plate.  She wanted to get her eyebrows threaded. I asked her about it (it's a way of pulling out the hair by the roots).  So we made it to this business just before closing and I got my brows done too.  It was $10 for each of us.  Both of us looked a lot better afterwards. 

I had my chemotherapy on Thursday. One routine I do before going is putting a small amount of Lidocaine on the spot the IV goes. I have dealt with other needles, but I really have a problem with this one. So I put the stuff on a pad ready to go on. I go to take a shower and realize I never put it on me. Also, I wouldn't take a shower after doing this.  I looked around for where I could have placed it. The only thing I could think was that I threw it away with the paper. So I just started over after my shower. 

While I was at Chemo, Robin the social worker dropped by. My emotional state is so calm compared to where I was about seven years ago. I was an emotional basket case with my husband dying and my cancer becoming stage IV and metastasizing to my neck. I had chemo then that made me feel lousy. Anyway, I have not seen her for a long time. It was interesting reflecting how far I've come in coping by processing (working through what it all meant for me) all that happened, what I was told and choices I made as a result of what was happening. It turned out that when I usually go in now (Fridays) is not the day she works. Robin and I used to work at Kern Hospice years ago. 

My granddaughter Heather brought her pickup truck to take the parts of the bookcase that was delivered from Target.com back to a Target store. Good ratings from people who bought it but one piece had the holes drilled in the wrong locations and we couldn’t go any further.  I had many phone calls with the mail order  part of the business  There were no concerns dumping it in two shopping carts partly put together and given back to them at a local Target store.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to go through that again, but it sure was a nice style.  I checked several stores and found what I wanted at Office Depot. They were very inexpensive so I bought two and I'm paying $40 each to be assembled on Wednesday afternoon in my bedroom.  I thought it was odd that if I moved it from that room it would void the warranty.  What do they mean?

I saw Dr. Wong about my wrist. The pain in my elbow has been related to what happened. He told me to stop wearing the brace unless I was lifting something heavy or in a crowd where I might get knocked down. He also said that any movements that are hard for me should become an exercise. I start Occupational Therapy on Monday and will see Dr. Wong in six weeks. I'm doing so much better!

Yesterday I got together with my friend Janet after spending the day organizing my home. I have to tell you that I feel better as I get this work done and then I really enjoy going out.  Then Janet and I go to our standby Mexicali's; It is catchup for the week for both of us. 

Today I'm doing just a little around the house. I'm meeting friends for a movie and probably Chinese Food. We most likely will go to The Great Castle- an excellent restaurant.  The friends I'm meeting are Barbara, Jacquie and Debbie. We don't get together too often so it is very special when we do get together. 

We saw the art work of the melting clock so Ben sent me one.  Here is where I put it.

Here's the latest picture of Conner

Found this interesting article on Facebook.  It is worth reading. 

http://www.oktodie.com/blog/the-story-of-your-life-carries-great-power-by-monica-williams-murphy-md/

So as you noticed last week, I had no photographs.  They were lost somehow and even my writing had been lost but I had emailed it to my brother to help me with a technical problem. Thank goodness I did that otherwise there would not have been a blog. So I have included the pictures of last weeks blog. 

I'm with my brother Ben Gaman above and my friend Lynn Repasky below it

                                   9/11 Memorial -Pictures  of name with flower (placed on their birthdays)
                              and a reflecting pool with waterfall on the footprint of each tower- Very serene.

View from my room at the Wyndham Garden on the 16th Floor.
It is in Chinatown, in lower Manhattan between Little Italy and Wall Street.
Great Hotel!

9/11 Museum.- Staircase to Vesey Street that people used to escape, known now as Survivor's Staircase and wall of             watercolor depictions of the color of the sky on 9/11. The wall holds remains of people lost in the attack.

At the Museum of Modern Art (MoMA) -The Olive Trees by Vincent Van Gogh
and sculpture of The Goat by Pablo Picasso

At the Metropolitan Museum of Art -The Temple of Dendur from Egypt
and a pencil drawing, Three Women, 1946  by Francisco Dosamontes. 

The New Britain Museum of American Art - Syl Sijan the security guard and me.  Looks very real!   I almost asked him if it was okay to take pictures here. How do they do that?!  They urge you to take selfies with Sy.l   And,Twilight Terrors by Rowena A. Merritt done in 1979

Picture of Ben, me,  our cousin Helen and her husband Alan Paret -Helen is one of 5 children
 of our aunt and uncle Shirley and Eli Snitzer. Aunt Shirley was my mother's younger sister.

This is a plaque honoring my uncle Eli Snitzer a physicist who was a pioneer in the field of laser glass research.   He was also involved in the development of fiber optics and won multiple awards.   This is in a park across the street from what had been American Optical in Southbridge Massachusetts.   He was well known in his field.
My uncle died May 21, 2012

This is a woodblock print my Aunt Shirley (Shirley Snitzer) did of 9/11. I understand it got an award. 

   It shows firemen in front of the Twin Towers. She was an accomplished artist. 

I did work on my drawing while there, but not much.  I didn't fill in the goat yet
and below that is a drawing of a chicken, though it didn't come through well.  I actually
drew the chicken upside down.  That really works!

                          

This was a picture of Conner last week.

So that's it for the week.  I'll see you next week.  Thanks for reading!            Rachel. 

When My Dad Died

My dad George was diagnosed with colon cancer about a year before I went into treatment for my cancer.  He had surgery and they didn't feel he needed chemotherapy or radiation. 

He was married to Kate, his second wife.  They had married when I was fourteen years old.  I would say they had a very close relationship.

It was upsetting when he was diagnosed and had surgery, but my dad talked like all was going well.  I think he didn't want to upset me.

Paul and I had moved in together Thanksgiving weekend before this.  I had found a suspicious lump in my left breast when we had gone to Texas in December to see my daughter Ronda and her family. I didn't want to spoil the time we were having so I waited until we were at the hotel by the airport before telling Paul and him feeling it.  He was so alarmed that he accused me of ignoring it.  I said that I slept on my stomach in the hotel bed we were at and I woke up feeling very sore and that was when I felt it.

When I had surgery in January, then chemotherapy, I cried a lot.  My dad and Kate were very supportive. Paul had a contract job in Macao and I urged him to do this.  Though being alone was very upsetting when my hair fell out.  Paul was calling home a lot and I couldn't stop crying, but I think hormones were the biggest problem, though there was a lot going on to feel sad.  I had to have surgery for something regarding the cancer and I asked dad and Kate if they would come up. They didn't hesitate.  While he was here, we went out some, and I got a sense that something was wrong with my dad but he denied it.

There seemed to be less and less communication from Kate and my dad.  That really worried me and I called leaving message that Kate needed to call me.  I was now getting scared, on the verge of hysteria and I wanted to be there for my dad if I could,  It turned out that the cancer had returned.  He complained regularly when he went in to see his doctor.  He had no energy and just wanted to lay down.  The doctor said he wasn't giving it time and it was just the healing process.  Well, that was not the case.  He went back in the hospital and they were talking about chemotherapy now.  Though when he had the first chemotherapy, he became very ill, so this was not something he could do.

I went to see him in the hospital.  He was miserable and snappy.  I walked out of the room and Kate said, "let's go to the cafeteria and get tea".  While there I was crying and Kate said "Your father doesn't mean to be nasty to you".  I told her I really did understand this, but that it was a shock seeing my dad this way and I didn't want him to feel bad and I felt helpless.

I asked Kate if she had thought about hospice care and she said "What's hospice?"  She did know what it was because I worked in hospice and told them about it.  I think it was more than she could handle hearing.  I said it would be good if dad could be home and that they would make that more of a possibility than not having them.  I ended up going home only to be called not that much later that dad was not well and hospice had started.

I headed back to their home and dad was really not well at all.  I called Ben and told him.  I sent messages to my sisters but they did not respond.  Ben was coming for a high school class reunion but decided to be with dad instead.  I stayed at the house and Ben got a hotel room.  I didn't think dad would live long so I came to stay calling work and letting them know.  Paul was very supportive but couldn't deal with this so he took a trip while I was with dad and Kate.  

Kate woke me up one night to ask me to help get dad back in bed.  He had fallen getting up to go to the bathroom.  I don't know how we did it, but we did.  Kate also thought he might be tempted to eat more if she got his favorite food which was Chinese.  He did get up to eat but said "if you had any idea what this was like for me, you wouldn't push this".  I did get a chance to tell my dad that he should have no regrets.  I thought he was a wonderful father.  My dad was telling us there was a mouse running along the wall of his room.  He'd say Whoop! and move his head as if it was moving very fast.  We kept watching but never saw this.  Then he said "Obie is here".  Now, this flabbergasted me, because my dad was not religious.  I asked him "What do you think about that?" He said "Interesting!"  I would have loved to ask more questions, but it seemed unfair.  He was so weak and all that we did was an effort for him. He seemed to slip into a coma pretty fast.  We each took turns sitting with dad or we were all in there.  Hospice had come out, brought medications for his comfort, they also send a home health  aide to give him a bed bath and a shave.  Kate came out and said "your dad wants you".  I crawled up on the bed to get near his face and said I was there.  He said "I'm cold and miserable."  The home health aide said "I'm just finishing up shaving him"  I repeated this to dad and asked if that was okay and he said "No".  Okay, he said no and that was what he wanted.  We stopped.  Ben, Kate and I were in the room with dad one evening and we all started crying.  Dad woke up and he said "What if I didn't want to die?"  We laughed and said maybe he wouldn't die (oh, if only our wishes could come true!).  He slipped back into a coma. Another time dad was saying, "Mama, mama".  I touched his shoulder to comfort him and he stopped saying anymore.

Kate called me to eat a bite of lunch.  We did and then Kate went in the room and called out "Rachel!"  I ran in.  My dad had stopped breathing sometime during our 20 minute lunch break.  We were crying.  I sent a message to Ben and Paul that dad died.  Ben didn't get the message.  Paul had returned and did.   We called hospice to inform them and they called the mortuary dad and Kate wanted. When Ben returned we sat together comforting each other and talking about what we wanted. Dad wanted to be cremated.  We had the ashes taken out to sea by the Neptune Society and had a memorial service for my dad in Pasadena.  Every time I cried I thought that this was a whole lot worse for Kate than me, because my dad was a major part of her like.

How Kate dealt with it was burying herself in her volunteer work at the Los Angeles Zoo and in her art work.  She is a master botanical artist.  Many of her friends had already lost spouses and advised her to stay busy.  She did it, but I think it was very hard.

For me, Paul and I were moving into a house we had built for us.  I kept turning to the phone to call dad then realizing that wasn't going to happen.  I probably allowed myself to grieve more openly than Kate, but our personalities are also very different.  Kate and I have developed a very good friendship and we keep in touch with each other regularly.  Ben also has been visiting and we make it a threesome for a week when we get together.  I've enjoyed that.

 

Back to current time.  I lost all the pictures I had on this blog.  I think I will look for another blog program because this was upsetting,  So now you know why there aren't pictures.  Besides, this is my brother's computer and my pictures are not on it.

The plane ride was uneventful except for a crying baby on the last 3 hours in the air. 

Lynn got to airport and was waiting for me. Lynn Repasky is a clinician at an adolescent residential treatment center and school. She has been there two years. Her boyfriend is John who is an accountant. (my Paul was a CPA!  Hmmmm!!  What is this social work and financial?!).  We worked together at a prison. We are both social workers and were case managers there.

We went to her apartment which is bigger than the last one. Her dog Zack remembered me but did not like face to face contact from me.  We went for bagels and lox (my favorite  breakfast) in the morning then soon after we took off for Manhattan to meet my brother at the hotel where he got rooms for us

We had pizza at Grimaldi's in Brooklyn. In an area called DUMBO (Down Under Manhattan Bridge Overpass).  The  arts and fashion photography are the main activities in this area.  Lynn had taken Barbara Rodriguez and I when we were here last time and it was fabulous. It still was good, but it was moved to a much larger building next door from where it had been. Went to see what was in that building now and there was a large article on the window how the owner sold Grimaldi's name.  I didn't read the whole article, but what is in its place is another pizza restaurant owned by the original Grimaldi's owner and now called Julianna's.  The place looked empty even though there was this great review on the window. 

We went to the 9/11 Memorial and Museum. It was quite touching. I understand tickets are free Tuesday evenings (when we were there). You do need to make a reservation.  We parted with Lynn when we got back to our hotel.  Great visit with her.

The next day Ben and I went to The Museum of Modern Art and then to see The Fantasticks, and enjoyable musical.

The following day we went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Both museums were excellent, but they are so big that if you don't have days to spend there, it is a better idea to focus on a couple of areas to explore.  We took a train back to Connecticut.  Much less stress that way.

My legs were so sore and felt rubbery walking so much. We took it easy and I worked on my art at Ben's home.  So I drew a chicken and a goat. The chicken I drew upside down except with the head.  I turned it multiple directions to get the right dimensions. That really does help. I forgot to take the directions to draw the goat, but I did bring a book that had guidelines. I also worked on drawing loops to loosen my hand.

The following day we took it easy again.  I really needed the rest. We ate out for our meals because neither of us were open to cooking. We did go to the store to buy salad fixings for the following day. We were going to have dinner with his friends Roy and Emily,  Trip and Donna.

In the morning we went to The New Britain Museum of American Art.  I loved it!  It was the right size. We could actually see all the art there. There was a special exhibit Glass Today: 21st-Century Innovations. I particularly liked two of the glass wall pieces that used light to reflect some od the glass work.  The artists were Sydney Cash, born 1941, the piece called Kemosabe, 2012 and Stephen Knapp, born 1947, and the piece is called Done for the Night, 2008.

We drove to Hartford, not a long drive to Roy's and Emily's home. How lovely!  It is over a hundred years old and well maintained.  Lots of character and many nooks and crannys. Donna made an appetizer and Emily made the bulk of the meal. The men are AA members. They didn't seem to have an issue with the women having a glass of wine.  Good company and good talk.  It was great to meet them all (though I had met Roy years ago). Ben talks about them all the time, so now I have faces to go with the names,

There was an article n The Hartford Courant on dealng with loss. There was a picture as a part of the article that was at The New Britain a museum depicting the effect off 9/11 on us.  The mural had been commissioned by someone who lost their child in that horrible event.  It's called Coping with Loss over the Centuries. 

http://touch.courant.com/#section/2224/article/p2p-81292711/

Today we went to visit our cousin Helen and her husband Alan.  We went to their lake house in Sutton Massachusetts.  Very nice people. Had wonderful food prepared by Alan.  He has been a chef and at one time had his own health food restaurant in New York.  There home was really nice and they continue to work on it.  The conversation was great.

Before we went back to Ben's home we went to see a plaque in honor of our Uncle Elias Snitzer in Southbridge and where American Optical used to be.  He was head of the team that developed the glass laser.

My granddaughter-in-law Meagan (I've been misspelling her name), Billy's wife took another picture of Conner this week that I would have liked to share.  Sorry I can't  You might get double the dose of pictures next week.

I go home tomorrow.  I'll see you next Sunday.                 Rachel

See you next Sunday!           Rachel

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