I'm Okay. It isn't My Time to Go Yet.

On my last post I wrote that I had something on one of my ribs.  I had a CAT scan and took my friend Janet when I saw Dr. Tun in case it was bad news. I think I shut down and don't remember very much when I'm given bad news. It wasn't cancer.  Phew!   It could be calcium build up.    To me, it still seems to be growing.  We're not sure what it is.  There was a spot that was deep. It is too small to do anything about that, so I will have a CAT scan every few months to monitor if there are changes. Anyway, I am relieved I don't have to deal with it now.

I visited my friends Mike and Marykay in Livermore. They have been through a lot with Mike having a stroke and their oldest daughter Libby had a girl while this was going on.  Mike was home. He had been in an acute care hospital and then a Rehabilitation hospital for a month. 

Michael had gotten out of the hospital over a week before.  He is very clear, but weak because he had  been primarily in bed.  His speech is affected by not having moisture in his mouth since he cannot eat or drink. However,  his wife Marykay made a mouth spray that Mike used to wet his mouth.  He also had a sponge on a stick to wipe his mouth. These help.  While I was there, Mike had speech therapy, physical therapy and occupational therapy. The cover to the lungs is always open, so he is endangered by anything going down that side when  he eats.   It is possible there is a surgery he might try, but he needs to go to a major hospital like Stanford to find out and get physically stronger. 

I worked on my art and Marykay took the role of Carol, my teacher.  I was so fortunate to have her help. That was a good experience. 

Libby, Marykay's daughter getting lunch for Ar

Marykay feeding Esha Katherine,

Marykay burping Esha.

Mike with his grandson Ari
He surrounded Mike with all his toys! So cute!

Marykay and Mike were going to a meeting one night. I sent a message to my sister to see if she could get together with me.   She was able to.  Marykay, Mike and I were watching the news seeing flooding all around the area and I worried that my sister would be in jeopardy.  I suggested it would be too dangerous for her to come, but she insisted we take the opportunity to see each other.  So we did.  We went to a restaurant for dessert. We had a wonderful talk. She thought I said my cancer was back when I thought I had put a qualifier on it saying "I think 

my cancer is back."  She did note that I have always found my cancers before the doctors did but hoped I was wrong this time.  I hoped I was wrong too!   And I was!   

I got an invitation online to join Omada through Kaiser to learn how to eat better, exercise and get adequate sleep.  This was because I was pre-diabetic.  They sent a scale that gives them my weight directly, but I can see too.  We are in a group online to encourage each other, we have a log to keep track of what we take in and what activity we do. Sunday March 5 it started. There is no cost to us. It is an active 16 week program. This program urged a healthy plate which would be 3 to 6 ounces of protein, depending what it is, one to three cups of vegetables, and healthy fat like avocado or olive oil. So i I would save grains, pasta or potato for a special meal.  It adds a task to change every week.  I lost 12 pounds in 8 weeks and they suggested I put another goal on, so I put down to lose 10 pounds in 16 weeks.

And, as I was going through papers to keep or throw away, I found a brochure from Kaiser for a program called Silver & Fit.  It is like Silver Sneakers.  I picked In-Shape where I will work out.  I had used them years ago.  There is no cost to me.  So I think I'll look different in 4 months.  I'm excited.  It is the same as Silver Sneakers. 

I also agreed to a half hour,  two times a month for nine months to have a trainer make sure I'm using the equipment correctly.  It is worth the cost to me. David is 21 years old, but he does understand how the machinery is to be used.

Then I got a call from Kaiser they would have conferences on healthy living and asked if I would attend something like this. I said yes and they will let me know when these start. By the way, I'm so impressed that Kaiser does this!  This is so positive!  I'm so glad I have Kaiser Permanente. So this conference is on line too.  It is based on having multiple chronic health issues.  I had been to the dentist and there was a new one there who told me to call her Dr. T.  I asked where the other ones were.  The one I like is still there but wasn't there at that time.  Anyway, she gave me this story that I had osteoporosis in my jaw and cavities where going down to the roots and that I would need at least 10 teeth worked on.  I was horrified because I had been going here for about 9 years and at least every 6 months.  How could everything just fall apart at one time?!  I asked my Facebook friends for advice and everyone felt a second opinion was needed here.  Those who have had great experiences with their dentists shared that information and their names.  I also called the dental insurance to find out about second opinions (they do cover) and how they pay.  I will follow through on this, but I have a lot going on in the near future, so I'm going to wait on it.

Shelley's boyfriend Don made a gourmet meal for me a week after I got back from my visit to MaryKay and Mike. He is a chef by training. Shelley helped him as they went to several stores and a farmer's market for the freshest ingredients. I had shown him my raised vegetable garden and a recipe from Blue Apron.  He said the key is the freshest ingredients. He's right!  And I think a great chef helps!  

Shelley and her boyfriend Don, a fabulous chef!

Shelley and me at Don's home

Cheese and Crackers

Sword Fish and Corn Reliish

Appetizer - Prosciutto and goat cheese

Sauteed Scallops 

Though, I really like my Blue Apron and even if I don't get it right all the time, it is still delicious!  However, I had to cancel it because Omada wants us to make meals that do not include starches.  I can tell you I found it painful to drop Blue Apron!  Very tasty meals!  Maybe what I have learned from Blue Apron will help me with my Omada meals. I was wanting to make a meal with Blue Apron when Evelyn comes for dinner, but I'm not going to be able to do that.  We had it planned for the end of the month but we need to reschedule it.  I'm not the only one with a busy schedule!

I went to see my friend Barbara who lives with in Seal Beach. Her caregiver needed to leave for a few days to take care of personal business so I agreed to stay with her during this time. She has dementia. I took my art to do there.

Her caregiver left notes about when to feed her dog and cat. Barbara took responsibility to do this. This was difficult because she wouldn't remember if she fed them or not, did she walk the dog or not. I wish I had been on top of this from the beginning because, I would have made a check list that needed to be marked off to show it was done. I would mark it because she wouldn't remember if she did or did not do something. So really, I have no idea if we overfed the animals or underfed. I do think the dog got lots  of walking. 

On the first day I was there, she thought she misplaced her car keys and her cell phone. It might have been lost before that day or on that day. I couldn't tell.  I think I'll get her a tag for these items so we can look up where it is.

Barbara had told me each time I visited about this soup kitchen on skid row in Downtown Los Angeles where she volunteered. The people who started it set up this outdoor garden with picnic tables, a fountain and many plants. I told Barbara we would go there.  She was excited. Though Barbara called to say we were coming, they had very little for us to do.  They had many volunteers on a Saturday. They probably need more volunteers on the two weekdays they have food, Tuesday and Thursday. It is run by the Catholic Workers of Los Angeles. There were two women from Upland who volunteered because one of them wanted this for her birthday.  There were also people who initially did this as their volunteer experience through high school and continued after high school.  There were also people from other countries who did this when they came to the United States. We wiped down tables and picked up trash, though most people eating there took care of their own trash. 

There were some people who were mentally ill who made loud outburst. People would go to them to calm them down. I saw lots of tents on the sidewalks clumped in areas.  It was a different experience, but I never felt threatened here.

Many homeless on skid row in Los Angeles had tents.  There were
streets all around this soup kitchen where people lived.

This soup kitchen was unique.  It was in a garden- trees, bushes, flowers
birds, water feature which added to the ambiance of this
setting.

Barbara and I went out to lunch one day on Main Street in Seal Beach. That was a nice experience. 

We also went to the Art Supply Warehouse  in Westminster. I needed a couple of items so I had an excuse to go. And for Barb, we got an adult coloring book, colored pencils and a pencil sharpener so she could try that out. I showed her my art books that I used at home.  I'm going to think about getting her one she could use as a guide.  She was excited about trying this.  I'll be seeing her shortly, so I am taking supplies to her.

Here are a few pictures I worked on:

Weathered painted wood

Parrot

Rooster

Gorilla

Our last Red Hat dinner was at  KC's Steakhouse.  We did not have a good experience there the time before, but they made up for it this time.

My daughter Shelley

Shelley and Judie

Marti and Claudia

Judie and Vicki

Pamela and Marti

Pamela and Stephanie

Me

Me, Claudia and Ethel

Claudia and Judie

Judie

I ended up getting a bug at Easter and did not get together with my kids.  I slept a lot and ate very little.  However, they did have a good time, and I'm glad for that.

I got together with my Stepmom Kate, the weekend before her birthday.  We want to the Huntington Garden and Museum and ate lunch there.  They have a cafeteria similar to what they have at the Getty Museum.  Lots of choices and I was able to eat according to my diet.  We also went to A Noise Within, a classical theatre in Pasadena.  We say King Lear.  Both Kate and I had difficulty hearing it all.  Most people were obviously responding to the dialogue, so I think it was us.  I read the play years ago, but I need to re-read it.  They tied the story into the problem of dementia.  I have people close to me dealing with this, so I'd like to get this a little better.  Before I left for home, we went to Green Street Restaurant.  It is like a very nice coffee shop.  We had breakfast before ending our visit.  Here is a selfie I took of Kate and me while we were at the Huntington Garden and Museum.

Kate and Me
I look like I have a swollen jaw, I don't.  I think it
is the angle I took this picture

I saw an article about three things you learn when your mother dies on Upworthy:

Three things you learn when your mother dies

This is a very good article about letting others know on sites such as Facebook about someone else's death. I couldn't state it better than this article. 

When not to share early on social networks.

There is a point where treatment really no longer makes sense!  Here is an article about that. 

When Treatment No Longer Makes Sense

That is what I have. It has been busy!  I hope you are doing well. I'll see you next month.     Rachel

How Do We Learn About Grieving?

When I used to work in hospice, I noticed that people had a lot in common. In our society we focus on how we are different.  There are pluses in differences. We are unique. But it can also make you feel alone. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I was very frightened.  I focused on me going through this alone.  I couldn't imagine anyone else hurting like me. I really didn't want to hear about other people's experience.  I was completely self-absorbed.   As a result, I hurt a lot more than I had to. 

The problem with that was I missed a lot of support I needed. When I saw patients and families, they were sharing the same thoughts and feelings I was having.  As I noticed this, I would share what they had shared with me and what I saw. Then people would ask me how did I know that about them. I told them I didn't.  I felt like this and other people shared the same things I was feeling. It was a real eye opener for me. The more I shared, the more others shared with me. We had a lot in common.  That helped me to cope better.

As much as I would have liked me to be that insightful then, I don't think I could have been. I've become aware that the learning curve takes life experiences and then work. There are experiences we need to  have before we have that insight.   It was later when I was told there was nothing more that they could do that I looked at this differently.  I made myself think about my death, my dying.  Of course, many people saw this as negative and not helpful.  They were wrong.  It helped me break through the barrier of fear that kept me from living my life the way I wanted to.

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I got a knock on my door after seven in the evening.  I didn't have the front light on and the knock was loud.  I was nervous about checking but sometimes my kids and grandkids stop by.  I  turn on the outside light and look through the high window in the door.  There is my neighbor Dianne who helped me when I got locked out of my house in my pajamas.  She was locked out of her house.  No one else has a key and she put sticks in all the windows.  So she used the phone and called her handyman.  He came about ten minutes later.  I used the opportunity to give her my key and we talked outside (the weather was mild) because she wanted to watch for him.  Her husband died five years ago and she finds the holidays a bad time for her.  I told her I don't try to do it like I did before, but I also prefer the holidays to be over.  So we came full circle.  She helped me and I finally had a chance to help her.

This was my last week of occupational therapy. I learned a lot and I have improved.  It is not all better.  I have better mobility and less pain. My therapist Linda Mather said the other changes are slow going and I will note these moves  at the year and two year anniversary.  What I do understand finally is use it or lose it.  I will always have to deliberately exercise it or I will do much less.

So I'm dealing with a bill from Dignity Health, the same one as before.  Kaiser paid $15.14 of a $302.00 bill.  Being transferred to many departments and being placed on hold is time consuming.  Thank goodness for a phone I can carry around and the ability to put it on speaker phone.  I can also get on my computer while doing this.  We couldn't do this in the past.  It took 25 minutes to get to the person who told me what to do.  She said to photocopy the bill and send it to them and they will attempt to work out the problem of how Dignity Health bills me.  Each visit I am charged $10 (lucky me!) under my Kaiser plan.  It could take another month to see if this is worked out.

Our Red Hat dinner was held in the Belvedere Room at the Padre Hotel.  I always love meeting with this group.  We had a wonderful surprise in that Stephanie McGuffey came after a long absence.  She looked great and said she would be a regular again.  Stephanie used to be the head of a home health and hospice I worked for.  She later noted I liked red wine and offered to Paul and me to join her for a dinner group that met once a month at each other's homes.  That was fabulous.  The problem for me was after Paul died,  I couldn't handle being in a couples group.  It made me too aware of what I had lost.  Anyway, it was wonderful seeing her again.  She suggested we come to Tehachapi (in the mountains) for one of our dinners and have a sleep over at her home rather than driving back down the mountain.  I would love that.  I met with her and Pamela Beane after the dinner in the bar to do some catching up. What a wonderful evening!

My great-grandson is nine months old. It is fascinating watching him gain skills and figure things out. Lots of fun. He is a well loved kid and it is obvious by the look on his face. 

Happy Conner at Nine Months Old

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One mother who lost her child through a stillbirth submitted this to the The Grief Toolbox -   thegrieftoolbox.com/ .   She states the needs well of those of us who grieve.    Her loss is a stillbirth, which is as painful as all other losses. 

How to help a friend who is grieving.  

Submitted by  letterstoleia    

I am not one to reach out to people for help, ever.  I am the person people come to when they need help.  I’ve always been the go – to person.  Suddenly, I found myself at the other end and I could not ask for help.

There is so much you can do to help someone who has experienced a loss.  For me, delivering our daughter stillborn has been the most horrific thing I’ve ever faced

There were lots of people who did come forward, and surprised us.  We did get cards in the mail, flowers and gift cards.  A friend sent an angel with Leia’s birth month on it; another had a porcelain angel made in the likeness of her. These things mattered to us. 

I will never forget those people. To be honest, I remember thinking that more people should be with me.  There were no invites to suppers, no random stop in’s to check on us, no phone calls, and nobody brought food.  For some reason it had always been instilled in me to bring food when there was a death. 

Living in the age of social media, I guess is to blame.  It is easier to shoot off a text, tweet or Facebook message then to actually reach out in person.  Most of our friends and family doesn’t live here to be fair, but still.

I’ve never been one to mince words so I’m not going to start now.  If you want to help me (yes I still need help six months later), here are a few things you can do.  If you are reading this, and you have a friend/family member who is going through a tragedy of their own take notes.  People might not want to admit they need help. 

• Ask questions about the child or baby
• Send a card – flowers are nice but sometimes painful to watch them die
• Drop off food, groceries or a care package
• Buy them a gift – something that will remind them of the child/baby
• Never stop asking how they are.  Keep the emails, tweets, calls coming
• Ask them over for supper or lunch
• Give money – funerals are expensive (even baby one’s) - time off work means no pay either
• Remember the anniversary’s and holidays (especially Christmas – fathers/mother’s day)
• Don’t try to offer words of advice or compare your pet dying to their loss
• Invite them to the movies  or over for a movie night (maybe not right away but in the coming Months)
• Ask how the father is and mean it
• Never assume anything
• If there are other living children offer to take them out
• Listen!

You can reach her at letterstoleia@yahoo.com    She is the mother to Leia Sky "who was born sleeping October 6, 2011."  It started as an online journal for Leia.

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My granddaughter Cassadie is blogging about clothes for college students.  This is her last year at college.  I know she will do well!  Here is the link to her blog:

My Beautiful Granddaughter Cassadie Jerdin

Cassadie Jerdin in the College Fashionista Blog

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Today my friend Barbara and I are going to another Bakersfield Community Concert program and we will go to Rosa's afterwards.  The group is Harmonies Girl's Choir.  I don't know much about it but it has rave reviews as do all the programs the Bakersfield Community Concert series has.

That's it for the week.  Life is going well.  I hope the same for you and I will see you next Sunday.     Rachel

A Bad Fall

I'm going to keep this in the order that events took place. I have generally been adding material as events occur so I'd rather continue that. There was no blog last Sunday because I had surgery that day. The specifics you will get below.

One of my sisters expressed alarm at what I was writing believing that my situation wasn't looking good thinking that I might be actively dying because the writing in my last blog seemed very negative to her. I would like to assure you I am not actively dying at this point. I just know this is my future (as it is for all of us) and I have decided to talk about my situation, what I'm thinking, reading and discussing regarding the subject of death and dying.  So, this is not meant to alarm people, however, I believe this is a common response of many people because of the difficulty of this subject in the American culture. We are so far removed from this until something happens and many people who can be further removed excise themselves from these situations to get back to a life not disturbed by difficult subjects. My thought was the more you inundate yourself in this, the less scary it is. I also don't want to pretend all is okay and be hit again with the news "it's back", and be stunned by this. Two times of that was enough, and I had more than that. This is a much better way for me, and I believe a lot of people around me, so we can be open and support each other in tough times.

B. Smith was on CBS News Sunday Morning. A once fabulous chef, dealing with Early Alzheimer's now.  She and her husband are shining the light on dealing with Alzheimer's and taking it out of the closet.  We need more people to share their experiences to help others going through a difficult time whatever the situation.  There are other people who need to hear so they are encouraged to talk and get the support they need.  I appreciate those willing to be so open which helps others to do the same. Follow the link below to see the news item. It was well presented.

B. Smith and Her Diagnosis of Alzheimers


I had a pleasant talk on the phone with my daughter Ronda Sheldon who had bought her dress for the wedding suggesting we use the hot tub at the hotel.  She will leave early the day of the wedding with Billy to help in setting up.  My plan was to go a little later, check in to the hotel and be there an hour before the wedding. She also plans to see her biological brother and sister while she is here. She's going to be one busy woman!  But she's younger and can handle it.

Talked with my step-mom Kate Gaman. She is in the midst of doing a major kitchen remodel in her home. She plans on sending pictures. The cupboards and many of the appliances are there being stored in her garage and brought in as they are ready to deal with the next step.  Her car is about to be squeezed out of her garage. In the mean time, she has had much "stuff" hauled away. She has boxed what she has in the kitchen, but while doing this has found more "stuff" to get rid of perhaps by hauling. For me, it has been moving that caused me to get rid of the most.  When I decided to go through my pictures, I got rid of a trash can full of pictures; not the people shots, but places I had been. I have saved some for drawing at a later date.  This process has discombobulated her and her cats. It is stretching out much longer than she understood and costs have gone up as problems have occurred such as plumbing issues.  I understand that this is so common with remodel projects. My concern is that she feel free to use her monies saved for retirement if she needs.  It is her money.

Gutted Kitchen

Cupboards Going In

Had my last session with Norma Neil,  Used pastels and some water to soften it. Sister Sherry is leaving The Art for Healing program.  Several of us decided to put a picture that we each did in this class on cards we will give her.  We are thanking her for what she did because we all felt we had experiences that were good for each of us in growing and healing. She is the one that made it happen.  Below are the leaves I did with pastels, wet and dry.

My brother Ben and I have talked about getting together this year, but this time I would go see him in Connecticut.  We agreed to September for about a week and I'll work on that.  He's doing well. I enjoyed talking with him and look forward to the visit.

My art class with Carol Bradshaw was very good.  Carol, my fellow classmates Deb and Wayne were soooo complementary of my beach scene. Even my step mom Kate thought it was very good; they were saying it was "artistic, had attitude and panache". These are very overwhelming words when you see the detailed work these people do. I love what they all do. Okay, so I'm trying to own it. The big thing for me was that I never thought I could do this.  I'm also having my pine cone framed. I have framed some photographs I have taken, but this is a first for drawing.

Beach

Jury Duty was delayed, so it didn't affect my ability to attend my art session and class.  I was very happy about that.  However, on the day that I was told to return to a specific court room for jury selection, June 19,  I fell on my driveway walking back up to the house. My driveway is relatively steep and I was wearing sandals  with a two inch or so block heal. I fell off the side of these shoes (really nothing unusual for me). I tried to get up and was having a lot of pain in my wrist. Periodically I was seeing blood pool out and then I became aware that my wrist seemed completely detached from my hand and even my arm. It so freaked me out I wanted to throw my hand away from me but realized I would cause myself more problems if I did that. My adrenalin was running very high and I was able to get up. I went in my house looking for my cell phone. I didn't just locate it. I was hyperventilating and forced myself to breathe more normally.  Finally located it and called Shelley, at her work. She wasn't in at the moment by was expected at any moment.  I described my situation and believed the man understood it was serious. Shelley called back quite fast and she said she would be right over.

I sat with paper towels over it to attempt to keep the blood under control.  When she got there, she said, "yep, I think we have to go to the ER".  I still had on my pajamas and a robe. I couldn't see how I could get out of this myself.  So this is what I wore until I was finally admitted to a hospital two days later.

So in the ER they saw it was bad and took me back right away.  I was put on an IV pain med which helped immensely.  During our wait, we called the courthouse and let them know I wouldn't be back and why. Shelley wrote a short status report for Facebook and my blog letting them know I probably wouldn't have a post that Sunday. We also called family and some friends to let them know.  Finally they rounded up several people and they said they were going to put the bones where they needed to be. They assured me I'd be out but that it would go fast about 20 minutes. I have no memory of closing my eyes. I felt I was in a spaceship with very bright lights and I heard talking but couldn't make sense of what I heard.  Little by little I could identify where I was and what they were saying. I was shocked to look at my arm and see it wrapped up. They said I would be discharged home with oral antibiotics since it was an open fracture.  We were also told to call Kaiser Permanente to see an orthopedic surgeon who deals with hands.

Shelley called when we got home to get a surgeon. Shelley situated me in bed while she went to pick up pain medication and antibiotics.

We weren't called back by Kaiser and I called at one pm the next day, Friday.  They gave me the name of Dr Wong and made an appointment for Saturday at nine am. I was told not to eat or drink after midnight in case I went into surgery. Okay   So this is set up. In the mean time my arm really hurts and I don't know if I'm overreacting or not. I call my friend Barbara Long to come over and see if she thought it was a problem. She agreed we needed to go to Urgent Care. We didn't have to wait long. I said I wanted my arm re-wrapped very lightly. This doctor was afraid of something being cut or put in the wrong place. We asked if circulation could cause a problem too and he said yes. "Then I want this loosened now". He took me to another room and asked me to lie on my stomach. He thought if my arm was pulled down, it was less likely to cause a problem. With my friend overseeing this and two other staff helping, he got below the table to unwrap and rewrap. Though my fingers remained swollen, I didn't feel they were going to fall off. Barbara and I stopped at a coffee shop for food. I had not eaten, but I didn't think I could. I had a tuna sandwich and when I got home, I crawled in bed and was out.

Shelley picked me up the next morning and we went to see Dr. Wong. He said I should have been admitted to the hospital from the ER because it was an open fracture. He wanted me admitted to another hospital where he had admitting privileges. It turned out I couldn't have surgery that day because I take Coumadin for a blood clot. They decided they would give me frozen packed plasma to lower my Coumadin level that day at the hospital and then have surgery eight am on Sunday.  I was in that ER for hours.  My friend Janet Seinturier said "take a pain pill!!"  Believe it or not, it seemed the closest water fountain was in the lobby to the hospital!  I thought fountains would be more convenient. My friends Sherry Dolan and Valerie Slocum dropped by hen I was in an actual ER room with a gurney. I got a bed late in the evening.  IVs were started for pain and antibiotics. Much later I was given the frozen packed plasma.  I guess there were no other surgeries scheduled the next day, so I waited on a gurney in the halls of the surgery suites. I was introduced to people and then I don't remember anything.

I slept most of the day. If I wanted to pee, they "straight cathedral" me each time. That was very painful. I tried to get up to pee, bit nothing would ever happen. On Monday, Dr. Wong and the hospital it's came by. I was told that the skin under the splint was covered with blisters and he had to cut them all off. He believed this was caused by a too tight splint and the heat under this splint.  I still couldn't pee on my own and when I finally did later in the day it was a dribble. It wasn't enough and they insisted I wait until Tuesday. I requested a foley catheter for overnight understanding I could get an infection, and they finally gave in to my request. I drank lots of cranberry juice and water and did a couple of laps around the floor.  The catheter was taken out at eight am and I never had problems peeing later. My friend Janet Seinturier brought stick veggies while I was there. I felt I was getting raw veggies my body craved. I was discharged late afternoon and my friend Sherry Dolan took me home. Barbara Long met us there and picked up my medications. My daughter Shelley Schmitt also came over to make sure medications were put in a medicine tray.

One item I used in the hospital that was given to me when I was discharged was a small color that most people have to keep foods col when they put ice in it for picnics. This one had a rubber tube attached to a pad that was wrapped around my wrist/arm. Ice and water are in the ice chest. There is an electric hook up and this chilled water is pumped through to keep that area cooler. That helps like using frozen peas, but maybe a little longer and not having to fiddle with it as much.  A very strange affect I have had hanging my arm has been that I sense it next to me rather than hanging  I have sensed this several times and have to see it to believe where it is  it has made me think about people who have had an amputation and experience phantom pain.  The unreality of it is similar.

So this time has been figuring out how to do things with one arm and hand. I am so fortunate for my family and friends. Even with those that are limited to talking on the phone. I actually am not sure if I could have been home without these supports. I can't drive, and that is very limiting. I'm still trying to arrange a ride to and from my art class. I'm also donating all my heals.  Flats and tennis shoes for now on.   When you really feel lousy, it is hard to get worked and looks you get when you are wearing the same pajamas and robe to doctors offices. ER s. and restaurants  Generally, I do think of appropriate dress.  It just drops way down on the list of priorities when more important issues come up.  I felt all the medical staff to be caring.  I'm not sure systems always work well.  Lots of waiting and delays.  I think it can be very difficult for patients and families to advocate for themselves when they are in the middle of a crisis- like having to call to get a surgeon.  It also felt like staff were being pushed to its limit which is when more mistakes occur.  I'm a retired social worker and believe I have a better grasp of the situation, and, it turned out to be very difficult for me.

My grandson Billy Lane realized I couldn't be the photographer for the wedding and they made other arrangements. This took a lot of pressure. I'm glad he brought it up. He was also giving me an out for going to the wedding. But I really wanted to go. My friend Barbara Long agreed to go. She will drive me and stay with me. So we will ask for a roll out bed for Ronda, Barbara and me.

In the mean time my great grandson Conner, age 11 weeks has pneumonia and was admitted to the hospital on Friday. Poor baby!  Loving parents Billy and Meaghan  and Meaghan's mom Dainette are there with Conner and at this point we don't know if plans are going to change.

You might also wonder how I am typing this. I am using my iPad typing with one finger in the notes section.  I'm about to transfer it to my computer and then paste it to the blog program. Then I will transfer a couple of pictures.

I appreciate your reading and if you find yourself limited in what you took for granted, how are you handling it?  One thing I was fortunate to get was an IV pole through my daughter Shelley.  She called her friends and someone had an old one in their garage. With cloth around the splint held by heavy duty elastic bands with a knot at the top so I can hold my arm up better. It is difficult for me to keep my arm up on pillows when trying to sleep. Pillows slid off the bed or my arm fell between pillows.

See you next Sunday with probably a lot to share.  Rachel

Slower Week

This week has been a little slower for me, but I have to do that periodically to recharge.  One thing that I use as an excuse about not getting my home cleaned and straightened is that I have too much to do.  Perhaps, but I've been using that excuse this week and I can't keep going like that.  My step-mom Kate came on Friday and that is a real incentive to clean up,  Actually, every time I have something at my home, I do cleaning and straightening.  It's really good I'm not a complete hermit.  My patio is looking and sounding good.  It is my sacred space and where Kate and I spent the afternoon on Friday.  We had salads that I picked up from Trader Joe's and Kate brought fruit tarts.  There was the scent of the blossoms of citrus trees in the air.  My fountain and chimes were going, plus I had forest sounds, mostly birds coming out of a small speaker I hid.  This has taken a while to get it where it is, but I'll probably adjust things more to make it balanced.  Kate brought some beautiful Daffodils which we set up on the patio where we were.  We brought the table from the kitchen out for us each to work on our art work.

My Patio - fountain, chimes, heater for cool days and nights, soundscape of birds and other forest animals

I also met with my daughter Shelley.  I so enjoy spending time with her.  We went out for brunch and talked about family things, art and taking care of ourselves.  We will do Easter at my home because I think it would be pleasant on the patio even if it is cool because I have a heater which will knock off the chill.  I don't believe it will be too warm.  It is still early.  Shelley, Alyssa and I are going to do a weekend trip to Sacramento in the near future leaving early Friday and home by late Sunday.  No specifics yet, but she grew up there and needs to see where she lived, besides I like the area.  I'm sure there are other things we can do.

My granddaughter Kayla had asked if we would go to Jeff (my son)  and Stephanie's home around Easter. They are not sure they will be in town and their girls won't be coming back from college. The kids would really love to see the girls, so we will have to make another arrangement to see them.  Kayla and I went for a drive up Breckenridge Road.  I've always wanted to do it.  I had a writing class in the afternoon, but I completely lost all sense of time as we drove up that road.  It was all paved, though not always in great shape. It was beautiful and the air smelled great.  We came out south of Bodfish a small mountain town and stopped in Kernville for a late lunch before getting home.  We left in the morning and we got back about 4:30 pm.

I had my last class with Nina Landgraff at Bakersfield College.  She will be offering another class in the fall.  If it is the same time, I can do it.  Otherwise I won't be able to because my class with Carol Bradshaw at The Bakersfield Art Association is going to be from 1 to 4 pm.  Nina's course was 5 weeks long and we covered a lot of territory in that time.  The last class was drawing animals.  So I drew a lamb.  Very poor job, it has almost a human head.  I have the eyes forward and it's eyes are on the side of the head.
Then a drew an oryx and that one worked.

I received a couple 

I received a short video and an article which I felt reminded me of issues I dealt with when my parents and then when my husband died. I think saying the things you would like to say while they are alive is a lot better than fretting that you didn't after they died.  We don't do all the right things.  We are human and that is just what we do.  Our relationships with people also affect how much we are willing to share, but I feel so much better telling my dad that I could not have had a better dad.  He was there for me, he offered guidance and support and he was very gentle.  I was fortunate to have him.  My relationship with my mother was very strained and is another story, but I tried to the end to get her to see that I did love her and I wanted her to love me. But I did the most I could do, so I don't have guilt around what happened.  I really didn't want to believe my husband was dying and seemed to play down issues more than I wish I had.  It wouldn't have changed what I did, but maybe I would have been even closer to him at the end.  One thing though, it doesn't matter if you are real close or not.  It still hurts unless you have closed yourself off to feelings.

Here a son, Jason Rodas shares with his mother what she has meant to him.
http://m.wimp.com/finalmoments/


This is the article with what to consider when your loved one is dying, by Noah Michelson, published in the
Huffington Post
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4936843?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

Thank you for reading these, and I hope you will share what you want to hear and what are your concerns.  I'll see you next Sunday at 9:00 pm.    Rachel

Having a Life

Since treatment is once every three weeks, I'm on break from it. There were no side effects having Herceptin.

                                     
                                       I still get questions about my vacation with my step mom

 

Kate to Japan in November.  I tried to set myself up to deal with my back pain to avoid pain. I bought a cane that can be a seat,  I took my Backjoy Relief, wore my back brace and had my pain medication. These will help IF you use them. A part of me was in denial that I needed help. When I went without these aids, I paid for it with limiting pain. I just had to stop. When I used them, I could go a lot longer and  do much more than without them.

I was struck by a few things different than Americans. They appear to be more oriented to the group than the individual.  Though this was different, there was much more cooperation than we might have here.
Kate and I were taking a public bus to go to a museum.  Kate said to get off at the exit we were stopped at.

The bus was jammed with people. We got on at the back of the bus and there was no way to walk to the front to pay. People were pushing against me to keep me from getting off. Finally they let me go. I got off and went to the front door to pay. I believe they thought I had no plans on paying. They have very little crime. They have police booths every couple of blocks in the city. They end up being very helpful in answering questions.   People were very generous in helping where they could.  When we went to breakfast in the hotels, they had lots of veggies in the morning. That is the opposite of how I eat. Not that there  were no veggies at lunch and dinner, but much less.   I loved their ceramics,  artwork and paper making. Though they have constructed homes similar to ours, they have homes using rice paper as walks and in some more remorse areas, there are roofs made with packed reeds.   They are minimalists when it comes to furnishings. In their homes. They looked like they were moving out or moving in. I think they would find my home overwhelming.

Their parks and gardens are really beautiful. Very artistic in how they used water and rocks as a part of  the view. Their toilets are so beyond what we have. They have controls on the side to heat, clean (like a bidet), some have blow drying, odor control and flushing water sound effects with volume control to cover bathroom sounds. In public bathrooms, the heated seats and sound effects were typical.   When it was very cold, those war seats were very appreciated.  When I got home I looked up what it would cost here. They ran from $5000 to $6000 not including installation which would require electricity to it.

Saw The Sixth Floor Trio through the Bakersfield Concert Series with a friend.  When they came out, they looked so young, but their performance was top notch. They played piano, clarinet and bassoon. The bassoon player also played the violin.  The style varied and had a lot of improvising.  They seemed to tie in "the peoples" music into sophisticated pieces. I highly recommend them. A real treat!  It seems to me most of the audience is older and I wonder if younger people will attend these. Now they will be older some day and perhaps it will appeal to them. They are great concerts a reasonable price, especially if you buy for the whole season.

I am back to attending more sessions at Art for Healing at Mercy Hospital. I went to one session where we made faces out of clay that will eventually be used on a wall. It will look great.  My face is the one on the left. Another session I attended was on drawing trees. Lead by Norma Peal. After some brief instruction we were led outside to draw a very old oak tree. I was completely overwhelmed and then decided what the heck. This is my drawing using charcoal and pastels below.  All our trees looked so different. Many people in this class are dealing with some issue. The process of doing art seems to help in letting go and reduce our stress levels.   I'm also going to the open studio offered two times a week where I work on my art assignments from  Nina Landgraff from The Levan Institute at Bakersfield College and with Carol Bradshaw at The Bakersfield Art Association. Nina's class ends next week (darn!). I will look for what she may offer in the fall. Carol has been out on medical for a few weeks. She'll be back mid-April. I need her push and support. She's a great teacher. What is very interesting is hearing how different people may present the same topic. There is a plus to hearing different views.  I love it all.

I went to Hart Park yesterday with my granddaughter Kayla Kline.  I'm working on a portrait of my friend Barbara Long's dog Patti.  I'm almost there.

Next week I want to share a connection of an article written by Noah Michelson "5 Things I Learned from Helping My Dad Die".  It is important because life is important and the death of someone close to us has a big impact on us.  Having lost my parents and my husband which I knew would happen really brings this out.  Of course other losses and are accidents, suicides and murders also have their effect.    I would like to talk about this.