Family Gathering

So when I had chemo the first time, the first doctor I had explained I would do three treatments of chemo taking Adriamycin  and Cytoxan every three weeks. And then I would take three treatments of Taxol every three weeks. The first combination caused me incredible problems.  I had no idea I could be that exhausted. I could hardly move the third day.  One time I considered falling off the bed and crawling on the floor like an inch worm to get to Paul in the other room and thought that would freak him out. So I walked over and thought it was much easier not to get out of bed. Also smells were horrible, as were tastes. I could hardly eat. Toast was the easiest. It would slowly improve until we repeated this. Ugh!  I had been hearing that Taxol was the worst, that you ached all over. Though the first time I went through this I did ache so much.  I didn't think it was so bad.  It was like bad arthritis to me. Also, I made up for eating. I wanted tacos so much that I made and ate six tacos!  You would have thought I would have lost a lot of weight, but I moved like a slug so I did not lose weight. Of course, when I upped my taco intake, I did gain weight.

At the time Paul died, my cancer had metastasized to my neck. Stage IV.   I also had a couple of spots in the mediastinum (partition separating the right and left thoracic cavities).  They made it clear that anything done were for comfort measures only. So psychologically I was devastated.  They made a type of mask for my face to pin me down while I had radiation. I had a sense of panic each day I was pinned down, however the time in it was seconds. The only bad reaction I had from this was incredible itching. This was worse on my neck. I ended up getting the maximum dose of radiation and this is no longer an option for me.  

Three years later cancer had moved to a lymph node, about the size of a quarter. I now had Kaiser Permanente.   My doctor wanted to do the same chemo but I nixed Adriamycin and Cytoxin. I'm not willing to be that sick again. So I did agree to Taxol since my memories of that weren't so bad.  He also told me, in addition to being Estrogen Receptor Positive, I was also HER2 Positive.  This was a plus because the chemo drug Herceptin was for HER2 Positive Cancers and was amazingly effective.  So I'm taking the Taxol and I hurt really bad all over. I keep upping the pain meds (with the doctor's permission).  Every week I asked for more pain meds and was miserable through all this. It felt like my pain level just kept going up. The Herceptin was not a problem. It can lead to heart problems, but my heart is scanned every three months.  No problems. 

So when the cancer comes back another time, I nix Taxol. He said I would stay on what ever we do until I die or until the cancer comes back. Okay, if I'm not going to get better, I'm not taking stuff that makes me feel lousy. Why?  It doesn't make sense to me. I am doing the Herceptin.  As long as I feel okay, I'll do this.   I share this because I have been asked why I wouldn't take certain medications.  I hope this gives you an idea why cancer patients would refuse some meds.

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I went to a group run by Norma Neil on using pastels making abstract art at Art for Healing.  It was a lot of fun and relaxing.  But I needed to go home and lie down. I was going to go to the women's writing group, but my sense was that I would be in even more pain. I'm trying to get so much done. It is frustrating not to be able to do all these things I used to do. 

My class with Carol Bradshaw was focused on doing washes, using salt for different effects and how to take advantage of it. It is like looking at a Rorschach test which is an ink blot and asking people to identify what they see in it.   We were seeing flowers in what we looked at.  The rocks I tried to paint were pretty poor. Now we are painting bell peppers in a green monotone.   Carol sent me an email saying I'm doing the best washes yet. Here they are.

I had things I needed to take care of but I needed help in getting them done. I did as much as I could, but my back just gets worse and worse.  My grandson Billy helped me in getting a new hose for my propane barbecue and several other chores. It was a relief to have these all done.   Then I went to Visalia for the Helping one Was man Dinner. It was a smaller event this time but pleasant. The woman selected for next month sounded very similar to me. She also pointed out how people find it hard to believe she could be going through so much which has been the same reaction I got. 

I spent the night at Martha's home and we had breakfast at Susan's home. It was delicious and of course great company. I changed my hair appointment to not cut this short, but when I got there Lisa was not well and we rescheduled for next week.  I decided I needed to get home to get in a prone position. I did contact Kaiser through the Internet to renew my pain meds but for some reason it wouldn't allow it and said to call the pharmacy.   I do have an appointment at the pain clinic, but the earliest appointment is not until March 20.

This weekend, my brother-in-law Brian came Saturday and is going home today. We had a great barbecue in n Saturday with Shelley's and Jennifer's families with the girls boyfriends. Wonderful gathering, great food and talk. Today, we made a breakfast casserole and fruit salad. Shelley and Brian identified people in old pictured. Great time and hoping he come more often than every 4 1/2 years. Here are some pictures. 

Crystal and her boyfriend aren't in the picture, they left and Allysa's boyfriend took the picture

Brian, Paul's brother and Shelley

Kevin reading Harry Potter in a Hammock I just put up.
Great spot!

Shelley showed me a couple of stories my grandson Kevin did.  He's a writer! Here is one of the stories

Here's an article about planning ahead. 

http://www.pallimed.org/2015/02/10-practical-things-to-do-when.html?m=1

Here is a poem that is worth thinking about:

CRABBY OLD WOMAN

When an old woman died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in Moosomin, Saskatchewan, it was believed that she had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse  took her copy to Alberta.

The old woman’s sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on this simple, but eloquent, poem.

AND THIS LITTLE OLD WOMAN, WITH NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE TO THE WORLD, IS NOW THE AUTHOR OF THIS ‘ANONYMOUS’ POEM WINGING ACROSS THE INTERNET

CRABBY OLD WOMAN …

What do you see nurses? .. .. .. What do you see?
What are you thinking .. .. .. when you’re looking at me?

A crabby old lady .. .. .. not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. .. .. with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles her food .. .. .. and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice .. .. .. ‘I do wish you’d try!’

Who seems not to notice .. .. .. the things that you do.
And forever is losing .. .. .. a sock or a shoe?

Who, resisting of not .. .. .. lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding .. .. .. a long day to fill?

Is that what you’re thinking? .. .. .. Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse .. .. .. you’re not looking at me.

I’ll tell you who I am .. .. .. as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding .. .. ..as I eat at your will.

I’m a small girl of Ten .. .. .. with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. .. .. who love one another.

A young girl of Sixteen .. .. .. with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now .. .. .. a lover she’ll meet.

A bride soon at twenty .. .. .. my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows .. .. .. that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now .. .. .. I have young of my own

Who need me to guide .. .. .. a secure happy home.

A woman of Thirty .. .. .. my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other .. .. .. with ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons .. .. .. have grown and are gone,
But my man is beside me .. .. .. to see I don’t mourn.

At Fifty, once more, .. .. .. babies play ’round my knee,
Again, we know children .. .. .. my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me .. .. .. my husband’s now dead.
I look at the future .. .. .. and shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing .. .. .. young of their own.
And I think of the years .. .. .. and the love that I’ve known.

I’m now an old woman .. .. .. and nature is cruel.
‘Tis jest to make old age .. .. .. look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles .. .. .. grace and vigor depart.
There is now a stone .. .. .. where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass .. .. .. a young girl still dwells,
And now and again .. .. .. my battered heart swells.

I remember the joys .. .. .. I remember the pain.
And I’m loving and living .. .. .. life over again.

I think of the years, all too few .. .. .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact .. .. .. that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people .. .. .. open and see,
Not a crabby old woman .. .. .. look closer .. .. .. see ME!!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.

We will all, one day, be there, too!

PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM
The best and most beautiful things of this world can’t be seen or touched. they must be felt by the heart.

Thank you so much for reading.  I was thinking of writing some of the experiences that Paul and I had traveling.  Some are very funny, some just different.  Let me know what you think of that.  Traveling with Paul was a wonderful thing.  I loved it.  And, there are some great stories to tell! So I will see you next Sunday.  I hope you have a good week.           Rachel

Wow, What A Wonderful Week!

So when weather reports show lots of rain coming to Bakersfield, it is not worth getting excited about. Skies looked like they would break again, but they didn't.  Here is a picture my daughter Shelley Jerdin Schmitt took after one of our recent rains. 

Rainbow over Bakersfield, taken by Shelley Schmitt

So Norma Neil had a somewhat "impromptu" art session at The Art for Healing Center where were brought food to supplement the soup she made.  That was a good idea.    It wasn't on the full schedule.  She showed us other mediums to use and special techniques.  I loved it but was done in because I had Occupational Therapy before it.  I was out and about for seven hours.  A little bit too much for me.  I need to bring a cot along with me!

I thought my friend Janet and I wouldn't be able to see the Holiday Lights at CALM (California Living Museum), but it held. Love this!  It is so magical!  Last year it was in Sunset Magazine as one of the 10 best holiday experiences in California. Now I just heard of another one that I understand started last year called Bakersfield Christmas Village. It is a little more expensive. I understand there is also ice skating there.  Perhaps I'll check it out next year. 

Holiday Lights at CALM by Janet Seinturier

My niece Shannon, her husband Patrick and their son Jordan were here this weekend. We went to the Holiday Lights at CALM. I loved it as much as the first time.   There were some sprinkles, but it stopped before we got in.  At my home they put up picture tiles on my patio and put the bird feeder in a tree.  With it on my patio before, I had bird doo everywhere! They gave me an owl with various scented oils. We are burning winter pine on the patio and have my sound effects of birds and my fountain going for the water effect. The outdoor heater is on. It is sooo wonderful right now!

Shannon and Patrick McDonnell

Shannon and Rachel

Holiday Lights by Shannon McDonnell

Holiday Lights by Shannon McDonnell

We went for brunch at Anita's on 178 meeting my daughter Shelley there. Delicious!

My Daughter Shelley Schmitt, Niece Shannon her husband Patrick McDonnell
and their son Jordan McDonnell

Then we went Geocaching.  Didn't know a thing about it, but it was worth it!  They picked two easy ones and we found them driving around town.  So much fun. It is an adventure. They are puzzles ranging from easy to hard.  You can download the application for android phones and iPhones. There are free ones. The one I got cost 9.99.  This is the official one connected to the web site.  It has a GPS and a compass. The rest of the family has now heard and is trying it out. Who would have known? Millions of people all over the world do this. 

The main website that will teach you about this is:

Geocaching

Jordan and I opening the first one at the Albertson Shopping Center

This one was in the parking lot at Albertsons near my home.

On the left is Wes Sandiford with my Granddaughter Heather Estes
and my Grandson Kevin Schmitt.  They are excited to find their
first in Geocaching.

So I have written down several tasks to get done in the next two weeks. First, if I write it down, I won't forget it and I am so much more likely to get them done. It is also satisfying to cross them off as I get them done. 

Here is a sentiment that fits for me and I think many others keep it in mind or share it.  It comes from HealingWell.com

It is chilly - much more like I expect it to feel at this time of year.   It is hard for me to find the right temperature in the house. I'm bundled up. 70 degrees feels like the cold is seeping in!  That seems so ridiculous!  I'm putting another layer on. 

Had lunch with Janet, Lisa and Charmaine at Sandrini's. It is an Italian and Basque Fusion. Very tasty food.  I've met Lisa ( who cuts my hair) and Charmaine (who does real estate) through Janet.  They are all locals.  I came here when I was 27. It is interesting to hear their stories. 

My great-grandson Conner is trying so hard to get up to a standing position. Not there yet, but close. 

Harvard Medical School puts put a newsletter and publishes papers on a variety of issues. This one had questions and answers about end of life  issues. I have had questions about this, so I figured others did too.

http://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/archive

In the December 18, 2014 issue, they talk about commonly held myths about end-of-life issues and about living wills.  It is free to subscribe to their email, but you don't have to subscribe to read them.

There is also a useful site called Grief Tool Box.  You might want to check it out.  I like it!

http://thegrieftoolbox.com/

So that is it for the week.  I liked it.  I hope yours is going well.  Christmas is around the corner.  I hope everyone who celebrates Christmas enjoys it.  I like it as a family gathering.  Happy Hanukkah for those who celebrate it.  Whatever is your celebration, enjoy it.  See you next Sunday.          Rachel

Helping One Woman

I feel much better. I'm so much less congested.  

At Occupational Therapy,  I did much better this week in moving my hand and fingers.  I was also able to schedule the sessions that were approved which will take me into January. Linda tested me and I am coming along, but when I pressed down with my left fingers (my dominant hand and injured) and could press 22 pounds. However, with my right hand, I could only press two pounds. So I really have to work on strength in addition to my flexibility.

I went to Helping One Woman in Visalia. The woman being honored was an LVN working at one of the prisons. She shared her experience and received a standing ovation. I felt she described what was helpful for her so well. I was selected to be honored at the next meeting in January.  I am very thankful and want to share what I have learned going through this experience and how I am coping with this. I hope I can share what this has all meant to me. I can assure you that I have grown a lot and believe that even though it has been traumatic it has also made me a better person.

This is Sara Becerra and her husband at the Helping One Woman dinner.  She is an
LVN at a prison and is currently battling cancer.  She spoke well and I identified with what she brought up,

Sara Becerra with her family

                                                        

Lydia, Susan, Martha, Me and Gracie at Helping One Woman.  They are my friends

I spent the night at Martha's home and then we saw the downtown of Woodlake. What a cute little town!  They have a mayor who has been applying for grants to be used to make their downtown area an enjoyable place to go. I believe he has excelled in his goal. 

Martha and I went to Susan's home in Exeter. Like Martha and her husband, Susan and her husband have done a great amount of work to make their homes homey and the grounds very special. Sue prepared a wonderful breakfast casserole with all the side dishes and finishing it off with a homemade cheesecake,  I feel so fortunate to have such great friends. 

My granddaughter-in-law Meagan asked if I would have the Reveal Party at my home. I agreed to this. Meagan and Billy were informed  of the gender of the new baby, male and shared the name they had selected for him Kason RoydelI.  I never heard about such an event but It was nice to involve family and friends.  It was a success. Meagan and Billy did not know if they were having a boy or girl. Her mom and a girlfriend are the  only ones who knew. No presents.  There were sandwiches, iced tea and lemonade. There were also blue and pink iced cupcakes, rice crispy treats, and candy in pink and blue. There were thirty adults here and a lot of kids. I'd say it was fun and was a success. 

Meagan and her mother Dainette setting up for the Reveal

There needed up to be 30 adults and I have no idea how many children, a lot!

So I went to the second and final session on Bounty of Pastels at the Art for Healing center. I worked further on the charcoal drawing and did a picture using water soluble graphite and pastels. 

Day Lilie lin Charcoal Revised

Containers drawn in Soluble Graphite

Vase in Soluble Graphite, Grapes in Pastels

These three are from a coloring book called Color Me Calm for Meditation and Relaxation.  Though it does help for this, I'm also doing it to work on coloring within the lines and to just experiment with various colors, what works with what.

Here is Conner , my great grandson in the car coming back from Texas in a very good mood. 

https://www.facebook.com/elizabeth.sherran/posts/10204481732914765:0

Here are a couple of pictures of Conner. 

Connor Orion Lane

Grandma Dainette and Conner on the way to Texas

My friend Barbara and I will have a late lunch at Bill Lee's, a popular Chinese restaurant. Then we will see Mockingjay. Both of us have read the series and have seen the previous movies. 

My granddaughter Cassadie met her boyfriend Bogart in Prague. They will make a trip to Paris. They are a wonderful couple. Both are graduating from college this year.  Cassadie is at the University of Oregon and Bogart is at the Claremont Colleges in California.  They are both doing very well. This relationship started in early high school. I'm so impressed that they put their education front and center. I know they will both do well. 

Bogart Avila and Cassadie Jerdin

So Thanksgiving is at my home. I know Shelley will be here. I don't know for sure who is coming, but I make the same amount (a lot), and if it isn't eaten, it becomes wonderful leftovers for those of us here for the event. 

I have made my patio pleasant and have an outdoor heater which really helps. Of course we will be more mostly indoors, but this expands the area where people can be comfortable. 

I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I always enjoy this holiday.   See you next Sunday.    Rachel

Back to some art, Cute Conner

I did go to Occupational Therapy since it was the last scheduled session and I missed last week because I was really sick.  Well, I still wasn't well.  I was coughing and my eyes were continually watering. I told them and suggested they use alcohol wipes on things I touched. My session was very short and when I got home, I crawled in bed. I did receive the approval to have six more weeks of Occupational Therapy, two times a week.

I also went in for an infusion of Herceptin on Friday.  I had nothing scheduled after and was able to go home and take a nap.

I finished Gone Girl and found it very depressing. I really don't want to be reminded how hateful people can be to each other and how a victim could go along with it.  Though this was an extreme, people do this. Creepy!

I did see my friend Janet on Thursday. I started to gain some energy on Tuesday.  I’m still clearing out my sinuses and hacking, but it is moving, I’m on the mend.  This has been a long time!

I did go to an art session at Art for Healing lead by Norma Neil.  She had a vase of Day Lilies.  First we did a picture just using charcoal, then we used the pastels and tried it again.  That dark area in the charcoal was my attempt to do the cellophane wrapping.  I have another class with her on Thursday.  I'm to bring fruit to draw, but I get to take it home to eat.

Day Lilys in Charcoal

Day Lilies in Pastel

So my television, computer and phone are working and it hasn’t gone down again.  It had also affected my alarm system and more had to be done to keep it up and running.  Very tiresome when you think you have done what you could to protect yourself and find out you were not protected.

Wonderful short video on difference between empathy and sympathy. Those of us really hurting can relate to this.

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10152078668023908

Here is an article on Six Steps to Rise Above Your Fear of Dying. It has been through doing this that I have been doing well.   I would say that this is what I did intuitively.

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/6125288

Meagan, my grandson Billy's wife and her mother Dainette drove Conner to Texas to meet the other side of the family.  All reports are that it went very well.  Billy flew back to join them, so they all got to be together.  I'm very happy for them.

Meagan and her mom Dainette

Johnny Ray and his grandson Conner

Conner with his daddy Billy.  Brrrr!

That's all for this week.  I'm tired and I'm going to do nothing right now.  See you next Sunday.        Rachel

Mom's Death in Persective

I read this excellent book by Meghan O'Rourke called The Long Goodbye. I would have liked to get it on Kindle, but it was unavailable that way. I was able to get it in paperback. It was published in 2011.  Meghan's mom was diagnosed with late stage colorectal cancer. She had a warm, loving relationship with her mom and it is about coming to terms with the dying and eventual death of her mom.

My relationship with my mother could not be described as warm, it did have its moments of warmth and love, but, generally I would not describe it like that.  When my parents both worked, my mom would put me in charge to get the kids to do their chores before they came home.  Well, who is going to listen to their older sister when the age range was less than five years for the four of us and I really had no power to get them to do what they were supposed to do.  Of course, they told on me every time and my mom said I was "the bad apple in the barrel".  She was very opinionated and judgmental.  She and my dad really encouraged education, reading, and not accepting abuse of people. Those were all positive.  I have fond memories of camping during summers.  We used to read books out loud taking turns at the dining room table.  These experiences were wonderful.

My mother wrote a lot but it was not published. She did send it in but I think the rejection letters were disheartening to her. She did do a review of one of Dorothy Parker's books and it was on the back cover of the dust jacket.

My mother would look for different ways to solve problems, some of them made us think of Lucy, as in Lucille Ball. 

One example of this was when she changed one of our bedrooms to a store so we would not want to walk to the store because she was concerned about traffic.  The problem was that we told all the neighbor kids about it and there was a long line of them out the door to make their purchases.  That store ended that day.

Another time, she became so frustrated with us taking the towels wrapping them around us and leaving them in our bedrooms that she sewed the towels to the towel rack.  The problem was that we figured out how to undo the towel rack to get the towels, however, we did realize we had to get them back, or she'd figure out what we had done.

And then, another time, we four kids were sick at the same time, so my mother took all our beds and lined them up in the living room like a hospital ward to care for us.

There were many more and it made our family very interesting.  Probably my dad had some issues with this.  I remembering them arguing and hated that, though I don't know what the specifics were.

So what was my issue?  Most of it started when I hit high school and my parents separated and divorced.  I think some of my issues were age related, but my mother started ridiculing me for trying to make myself look okay.  Her politics became really odd and I couldn't accept it.  My sense was that she was encouraging my siblings to jump on the bandwagon in being contemptuous and dismissive of me.  The relationship with my sisters was particularly strained.

She felt a need to demean me and really seemed to know how to aim those arrows. It was very painful.

So, years later my mother said she needed to move in with me or she would die.  I couldn't handle being responsible for her death, so I moved her up to Bakersfield to live with me.  At that time I was in the process of adopting my daughter Ronda who was ten.  I had told my mother that we had to set ground rules and she agreed.  It was interesting how fast we fell into old patterns.  So destructive! 

Nine years later, it became very obvious that mom wasn't doing well. She finally agreed to see a doctor.  Mom was 64 at the time and had no insurance.  The doctor she chose was willing to deal with her illness as she desired.  My mother had an inverted nipple which had occurred recently, but she refused to deal with that and made it clear to her doctor that didn't want to hear about cancer.. She did have COPD and her weight had dropped below 100 pounds and she was 5'6", so I sensed she probably didn't have long to live. I wrote my two sisters and my brother laying out her condition, but they never responded.

We went along like this for several months until I woke up one morning and found my mom crawling on the floor in the family room.  When I asked her what she was doing, she said she was trying to find a way out of the basement. We had a concrete slab foundation, ranch style one floor home. She said there were people after her. I asked who and she didn't know. I assured her we didn't have a basement.  I also told her I wouldn't let anyone harm her. She seemed a little better and said I could go to work.  I so wanted it all to be okay that I decided to go on to work.  I was the Director of Social Services in a local hospital.  My friend Janet worked there as the Nuclear Medicine Technologist. She was my confidante.  Thank goodness I had her to discuss these issues.  It kept me going.

During this period Janet lived three blocks away from me.  I needed a break from my mom and told her I was going to visit Janet.  When I walked in, it was clear to her I was very stressed. She pulled out a small stash of grass and rolled a joint for us to share. We were also having a glass of wine. Both of us got carried away talking about a variety of things. Well we were laughing so much that tears were coming down both of our faces. It felt so good that we discussed how we could make artificial tears and we figured we were going to make millions of dollars. We have never forgotten  this and have wondered what was so special about our idea from what was out there. Well I stayed there late and Paul called to say my mother called him asking where I was. Paul said "probably with Janet smoking dope". I said "You didn't". He said "I did".  "How could you tell her that?!"  Paul said "You were weren't you?"  Ugh!  He had never done this and probably was irritated my mom called him since she would not acknowledge him.

My mother turned 65 and got Medicare.  Thank was a relief!  The situation was getting worse.  One day, I came home and found my mom sitting on her stool in the kitchen. She was lethargic and could hardly talk.  I asked her if she wanted me to take her to the emergency room and she nodded yes. In the ER, the doctor asked if I wanted life support for my mom, because if they did that, it was highly unlikely she would ever get off it.  I said I was not comfortable making that decision for her and I would ask her.  I told my mom what the doctor said and she said no to life support.  I was choked up after doing this.    She was admitted to the hospital and put on a medical floor. 

I called my father to tell him what was happening.  He asked me if I had informed my sisters and brother and I told him I had not.  He told me I had no right to keep this information from them. I told him about the letter I wrote and that no one responded.  He told me to give them another chance.  So I did call them and let them know.  I told them I didn't expect mom to live long and that they might want to visit her.  They all agreed to make arrangements to visit.  I also called her sister on the east coast who said she would come out.  Everyone asked me if I was sure she would die.  I said there was no sure way of me knowing, but did they want to take the chance. 

Mom had trouble finding the words she wanted to say to express herself.  She also was hallucinating. She became angry with me stating she couldn't imagine why they would call names like "Dr. Butcher Knife, Dr. Butcher Knife". Dr. Blood Letter, Dr. Blood Letter".  My mother loved mystery books and read them constantly.  I'm sure that was a part of this.  I told her that I hadn't heard that and didn't know any doctors by that name.  She also said we were carting bodies out the back. (Though we may have, it wasn't how she described).  The carts she described were used for removing dirty laundry.  The nurses in turn found her funny and other times frustrating.  They had put a restraint on her because she kept trying to get up, then falling.  Mom asked me to bring her cup that she used to hold little things.  One of the items were very old dull embroidery scissors.  My mother used that to cut through this vest thread by thread, even through thick straps.  When they came to her room and found her on her knees on the floor, she explained she was praying. (Believe me,she was not praying).

They were talking about discharging her and I knew she needed more help.  The nurses who worked with me in discharge planning made an arrangement for her to go to a nursing facility.  My brother and father came while mom was still in the hospital and were warm and supportive.  Ben visited mom.  Their relationship had been strained and I was glad they met again after ten years.  My Aunt Shirley, my mother's sister came.  We went for a drive up a dirt mountain road and took pictures of the wild flowers besides visiting mom.    One of my sisters and I visited a few nursing homes and found ourselves very teary seeing mom come to this end.  One of the directors of nurses seemed affronted that we would cry feeling we were making a negative judgement of his facility.

I was called into a meeting with a variety of staff at the facility.  They wanted to put a feeding tube down her.  I asked them if they had asked her and I was told "No, we are asking you". I told them my mother can still answer a specific question and if she said yes, I'd go along with her wishes.  I also explained that eating was a big thing in our family.  We did so much talking at the table.  I didn't think that a tube would be what she would want.  For the rest of our time there, I got such bad looks, like I was trying to kill my mother.  It made me angry since I felt I knew her much better than them. 

One day while working I get a call from Paul, who was the CFO at the same hospital where I worked. Our relationship had been going for six years at this time.  We each had our own homes but got together on weekends at his home.  My mom would never accept him no matter how much he tried.  She was threatened that he would take me away from her.  So, on this particular day, Paul tells me my mom called him.  I'm shocked and tell him so.  He tells me he was shocked too.  So I asked what it was about.  "It was something about the food, and then she asked me what I was going to do about it.  I told her I was calling you and you would deal with it". So I went over and she points to her tray and the menu.  The words don't make sense to me at all but I finally look at the menu she checked and what she got.  Nothing she checked did she get.  I asked to speak with whoever was in charge of this.  The head of dietary came to the room.  She explained they didn't have the food she checked.  I explained that they had an obligation to give someone what they asked for if they gave the person choices and if it required that they go to a local store to get the supplies, then I felt this was reasonable.  Otherwise, you don't give people choices. 

Two weeks after mom entered the nursing home, she died, the day after Mothers Day.  That was the first time I ever understood that my heart could actually physically ache. They called and said to come right now.  Two of my co-workers went with me and when I walked in I was intercepted and I said "she died didn't she?"  "Yes" she said. I lost it.  I was wailing.  My friends called Paul to let him know.  I demanded to see my mom (they weren't trying to keep me away from her).  I was struck by how peaceful she looked.

I went back to work not sure what I was supposed to do.  I met Janet for lunch and told her my mom died.  She then asked "What are you doing here?"  It's like I didn't get what the next step was. It turned out I had locked my keys in the car and had to wait for the auto club.  I had an appointment to get new tires and I went for that sitting there numbly still trying to figure out what I was supposed to do.  The man came out to tell me there was a little delay and I told him "Not too long.  My mom just died".    They finished fast.  When I got home I called family and asked each to pass the word to others. My sisters said they were coming right away. 

Mom had told me to use The Neptune Society years before.  I had called maybe three weeks earlier.  I asked if we could be there when they put the ashes in the ocean.  I was told they were not set up for that and it would be going to the Bay Area.  I was told we could make our own arrangements, pick up the ashes, then call charter boats on the coast. They used a local mortuary and one of my sisters and I picked up her ashes.  My sisters were staying at the house and each of us took on responsibilities to get it all done.  On the day we went to Ventura, Paul, my daughter Ronda and her son Billy, my grandson I talk about a lot these days who was perhaps 4 months old, my sisters and I had my mother's ashes.  We went out three miles and we each wrote something about mom and read those.  I brought a screw driver because I couldn't figure out how we would open this box.  It turned out it was welded shut at one point.  Thank goodness Paul was there to deal with it.  So, the ashes were in a plastic bag with a twisty.  It did not all look like all ash. There were little bits of bone. Someone later said we could have had it ground.  Ugh!

We had lunch at a seaside restaurant at the marina.  I remember my sisters saying they would not have anything to do with our brother Ben since he wasn't there.  My brother said he could come while she was alive, or after she died.  I thought seeing her before she died was more important.  I explained this but that was not acceptable.

How was I coping?  Not very well. I slept poorly, I cried off and on for months.  I felt like an outsider in the world.  I thought it was amazing how everything was going as if a big thing did not just happen.  I could not tolerate trivial discussions.  Work was difficult. I could not invest myself emotionally. I had none left to give. I could only handle the information part. I felt like an automaton.  And, I decided that there was a whole lot of stuff that wasn't really important and I didn't care about a lot of things I thought were so important up to that point. I did notice the intensity of my grief lessened and it hit me less often as time passed.

People really varied in how they responded to me. There was much avoidance on their part.  Some who would reach out would say the oddest things such as,  "Well she is
in a much better place".  Perhaps that works for some people who see their loved ones in heaven.  I wasn't raised with that and never could accept that later.  Besides, usually, we don't want them to go, so it is our feeling of abandonment that is the issue.

A year after mom's death I was asked to give a talk to staff about grieving.  I wasn't asked because of my grieving, but because I had given many talks on issues like this. I didn't want to do it, but I didn't want to tell this man why. He kept bugging me about doing this and I finally gave in agreeing to give the talk.  Two men were also to talk, the chaplain of the hospital and the head of the Employee Assistance Program.  So I thought abut what I would say and thought I would talk about what was helpful and what was not helpful when mom was dying and when she did die.  I started off fine enough then all of a sudden, I stopped and looked at everyone. My eyes welled up with tears and my audience followed in kind. I wanted to run away and thought I couldn't  do this. I kept staring at everyone and swallowing the tears threatening to head south.  No one said anything. Eventually I said "Obviously I'm not through with my grieving and I can't go on.  You guys need to take over".  Well that changed how we all were going to talk.  They each talked about their person grief issues and what they were doing.. Afterwards the man who asked me to talk came up and "That was great!  Let's do that every year!"  Oh yeah, that is what I want to do. 

How did I try to deal with it?  I thought about it and found people to talk to.  I did go to a bereavement group.  I didn't stay long.  I didn't want to hear about anyone else's issues.  I was completely into me.  I did a very complicated puzzle of a mountain site that I could hear my mom saying to my dad "George, let's pitch the tent there".  It took me four months.  I did it each night I came home from work.  I ended up framing it and putting it on the wall opposite my mom's bed and putting curtains on the sides so it gave me a sense of the scene out the window.  I had taken my mother to Hawaii with me when I was the local president of a service organization Quota Club. Their annual meeting was there that year.  Mom loved Hawaii Five-O for the scenery so this was her chance to see it.  I got a calendar for the next year which was the year she died.  I had it up in her room.  I would go in her room once a month to change the calendar and I talked to my mom about our trip and what was currently happening and how I was feeling. It felt good to unburden myself.

This is an abbreviated version of what I went through.  Even though my relationship was not good much of the time, I think that I kept trying to make it work.  I think I missed what I was never going to have with my mom which was a warm and loving relationship as the basis of our relationship.  She came from a family where her father was abusive and was dropped off at farms as her father would look for work.  She didn't do well in relationships, but she sure knew how to teach.  Too bad she never got a chance other than tutoring ( which she had incredible breakthroughs with kids in reading and spelling) and working with us (which made us love learning, reading and doing a good job).  Another thing I learned to do was to forgive her.  I think she was really hurting. But, I didn't do it for her. I did it for me. I didn't want to continue hurting. It helps.

It's painful, even now to think of all this, but there is also a release as if I'm letting go, and this is twenty- three years after she died.  It's hard to believe it is that long ago.  How have you dealt with deaths close to you?  I will share how it was with other losses.  Similar but different.

Back to current time, I has my art class with Carol.  I hadn't worked on my art these two weeks. I've had a lot of arm pain and back pain I think from waiting on taking pain medication because my pain has been lessening and doing more because I've felt better.  So I'm learning not to overdo it and not wait until the pain is back before taking something. I want to be ahead of the pain.  Otherwise, it can take up to two days before it is under control.    Below is a picture of two parrots I'm working on.

I also took a class at The Art and Spirituality Center on Pastels by Kay Wilson.  I'm learning more on colors.

I also took an intro course on watercolor with Norma Neil.  I didn't do very well, but Carol happen to be there at the same time and found a picture within the picture.  I was amazed and gave it to Toni to frame. When that is done, I'll show it.  I will sign up for Norma's watercolor course.  I need to learn more about it.

My granddaughter-in- law Meaghan did a thorough cleaning of my home. Amazing!  It looks fabulous  We agreed on every other week. I don't think future cleanings would take as long.  Billy and Dainette (Meaghan's mom) came by during this time. I enjoyed the visit. There was a dead baby possum on my front lawn and animal control said they got calls for another possum and a cat in the same area.  They suspect poisoning and said they would come by to get it.  I have a problem with people killing animals. It makes me angry and sad.  I'm glad my kitties are house cats. 

My friend Barbara and I went out for an early dinner at Chef's Choice Noodle House  and to see the movie "Hundred-Foot Journey".  It just came out and was a really great movie.  I highly recommend it. 

Here are the latest pictures of Conner. Billy was at my mom's memorial at about the same age.

Conner Exhausted after His First Shots

Conner Attempting to Sit Up

Well that's it for this week.  Hope everyone is taking care of themselves.  See you next Sunday.      Rachel